My Top Drawer...Chronicles of AD/HD rehabilitation.

Latest update.

2008-08-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

If I am not making blogs of commenting much at all its because I am on vacation right now.

However I do have a lot to report because I got the results of my psychological tests back, and they were awful. I tested far below average in nearly every single category being tested. However I now know that my problems reach far beyond just AD/HD.

I have social anxiety disorder. I have sleeping disorders and I am constantly struggling with insomnia. The icing on my ****** up cake is that I am also Bipolar. However psychologist said that I do not show symptoms of depression, he said that its not uncommon for some people to just be constantly manic.

GREAT !!!!!! Just ******* great!

Is there anything else that I am freaking missing? Could there possibly be anything else that is wrong with me? I had pettymaul Epilepsy as a child that I outgrew. I have severe AD/HD, I have social anxiety disorder, and now bipolar disorder.

I am really one messed up dude. When I get back from my vacation I'll actually make a real update.

I do not know what tot title this Blog entry,

2008-07-21T19:03:00.001-07:00

As much as my ADHD has plagued me in the past, it has also been the genesis of great character that I've developed. I never gave up, I only failed. Nobody has ever worked as hard as I have at failing. There is nobody as close to me as wife is and I can honestly look deep into her eyes and say "I did my best and I tried my hardest." She endured all the pain too when I trekked upon failing attempts to become successful. Sometimes the individual who loves somebody the most is also a source of significant and great enlightenment. If my wife had not made me aware that my perceived minor imposition was in fact a severely impairing disability, I would have continued on conducting myself the same way. I was incapable of admitting both to her and myself that I was and am disabled.

However not to sound too pessimistic, because I've also overcome a lot of adversity and tribulations that some of my non-ADHD counterparts may have been incapable accomplishing. I believe I can safely assume that my life's experiences are not entirely unique. I am convinced that those of us who have been plagued with severe ADHD our entire lives have evolved the kind of character that can endure hardship. We have adapted to the sour taste of defeat and have become accustomed to it. The fear of failing fuels our ambition to succeed and it does not terrify us.

Education is liberation. Ignorance spawns fear. The two state of minds are both sides of the same coin. Not achieving aspirations yields a breadth of knowledge that the worst that could happen had already transpired. Empowered with the knowledge that failure had bestowed eliminates any reservations against further attempts. After all failing to obtain goals is another opportunity to succeed. There are only one of two choices at our disposal then. Either make another attempt, or adopt a defeatist mentality and never realize could happened. Personally I'd rather keep on trying until the opportunity is no longer available to me or until all possible avenues had been exploited. Anything less is unconscionable.

I've become APATHETIC.

2008-07-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

Apathy is defined by Oxford dictionary as:

Ap-a-thy
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

My current state of affairs can most certainly be describe apathetic.

If one were to ask somebody that has personal knowledge of my character attributes to describe the kind of man I am, such inquires would yield a breadth of information that would be both extensive and complex. Becoming enlightened to the person that I am could be equated with attending a lecture on the structure of evolutionary theory. The point being its not an easy essay to digest.

Never in my entire life could I be described as an individual that is APATHETIC! I dislike typing that word even. The disdain that I harbor for people who nurture the nature of apathy within their own personhood is very profound. I am truly disgusted by the extent of people who do not care about social justice, equality, and intrusion upon personal liberties. Their accumulative apathy will be a catalyst to a downward spiral of self annihilation and their demise will impact everybody.

I devoted much of my time to charitable and non-profit organizations to combat the affects of apathy. I care very much for my fellow man and I strongly wish to safeguard every bodies rights to equality, justice, and personal liberties.

Apathy has been evolving within me and I've become disgusted with myself. I wish that I could give a damn about how other people are coping with their own ADHD, but I don't. I've become self absorbed and selfish about obtaining the tools needed to construct a foundation to support my rehabilitation. I only care about furthering my own endeavors and my pursuit to normality. All of the social causes that were once fundamentally important to me have dissipated into a cess pool of apathy. The vapidness that is developing within me is becoming more apparent and I have discovered that I do not care. My current self enlightenment should shock me into a realization that would ward off such a self indulgent existence. However I cannot discover the internal fortitude that I need to combat the sea of apathy that is growing within me.

My wife said that I need to be selfish, that I need to take care of me right now. She said that I am never going to get better if I do not take this time out for me. In my pursuit of happiness and normalcy I sincerely hope that I do not become the object of that which once disgusted me so profoundly. If I evolve into a man that is void of compassion, vapid, and lack genuine care for my fellow man, I'd rather remain the way that I have always been. I love my community and the brothers and sisters that I aligned myself with. The flame of compassion I once carried within me had encompassed nearly all of my personhood. I cannot lose that light, my flame, because it had defined me so thoroughly.

I do not know how to proceed from this point, because I genuinely don't care. All I care about right now is furthering my own goals and all of the endeavors that that entails.

Me in the Seattle Gay Pride Parade

2008-07-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

These are videos of me in the Seattle gay pride parade.

Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 1 of 4

Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 2 of 4

Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 3 of 4

Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 4 of 4

Seattle Atheists, FSM, Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 1 of 3

Seattle Atheists, FSM, Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 2 of 3

Seattle Atheists, FSM, Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 3 of 3

Seattle Atheists, Pastafarians, Flying Spaghetti Monster

Seattle Gay Pride Parade of 2008, Happy Penis Man

Endure

2008-06-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

I do not know what else I am supposed to do. More than anything else in this world I want the love and devotion of my children. I’ve done everything in my power to encourage that too. However with the lies and manipulation of their mother, she has encouraged nothing but resentment and discontent of me in my children. She will never let a chance slip by her when she has the opportunity to say everything negative about me that she can. No matter how minuscule and an unrelated to the topic at hand, if she can tell somebody that will listen, she will indulge them about what kind of piece of shit I am. Compounded with the fact that I am incapable of paying child support at this current juncture in my life only proves to feed her ever increasing hatred of me. Even when I am paying child support regularly she is never happy. My ex-wife is a person that thrives in an environment where she can be the catalyst of negativity. She possesses a personality that will never be content if she cannot cause turmoil. The more pain and resentment she can cause in people that she comes into contact with, the better she will feel. I am vexed as to why she insists on behaving in this manner.

My son at least is still willing to visit me, however I am sure what I’ll say when I see him Thursday, he will have a whole lot of questions. I am uncertain of how I am supposed to proceed from this point. I just wish that my ex-wife understood that I never planned any of this and the last thing that I ever wanted in my life was to be disabled. I wish that she could be positive and encourage my rehabilitation process, thus insuring her own future as well when I am capable of paying child support. Alas however that is what a reasonable would do and my ex-wife is a person that is far from being reasonable, and her only wish is to spread as much negativity about me that she can is capable of doing.

Bicycling to Kevin and Shelly's

2008-06-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

What does this have to do with AD/HD and AD/HD recovery?

While I am waiting for my appointment with the D.V.R. psychologist I am filling my time with my friend Shelly. Shelly and Kevin just had a baby and they want to paint their babies room. So I am bicycling to their house which is a good 25 maybe 30 miles from my home.

The bicycle trip was very arduous. Mapquest had me go way out of my way and up a hill that was unlike any other that ever experienced. I am sorry that I did not film this hill, because it was probably the most physically demanding that I ever climbed on my bicycle.

Before I departed on my long trek, I checked my bicycle for any mechanical failures.

I hate repairing flat tires. What I hate more is using new inter-tubes because I could not find my patch kit.

I stopped at Freemont.

Freemont is an artist community. I attended the Freemont Artist Society meeting once. They are a bunch of artists’ snobs that operate under the illusion that they have a monopoly over how art is defined. I have my own opinion on how true is defined, which drastically contradicts other people’s opinions. I believe that art is about the end product and not about the process of creating. I also have no problem with selling out my art and my talents. If McDonalds wants to pay me $5.000 to draw or paint the Golden Arches on my drawings, then by all means SHOW ME THE MONEY! The Freemont Artist Society frowns upon the process of “Selling Out” But none the less that is only my opinion and because it is such an unshared opinion, that tells what I know huh?

(LOL) Little side note. In that video when I said “there is also another reason why I like coming down here.” There was this super fine babe I was going to video tape in a black dress. However her husband or boyfriend saw me video taping and I did not want to get caught video taping her. So I said that Greek restaurant is why I like coming down here.

The Ship Canal trail is a fantastic bicycle trail.

It’s flat, cool, and beautiful. When I rode by those children I wanted to clearly announce my presence and make sure all of those children saw me. The last thing I wanted to have happen was a child run out in front me and cause me to crash. I’ve had that happen to me before, and I will by all means make sure that I will not seriously injure to children, even if that means I will not escape serious injury. I’ve been known to crash on concrete and avoid hurting children. Unlike those who were dumb enough to get in front of me, I’ll make sure they will cushion my fall and they will be the ones that get injured, even if it means they will be seriously injured. That too has happened to me before. If I can avoid an accident I will. If I can’t…well, better them than me. If they are dumb enough step in front of me when I announce my arrival, so be it.

Down town Seattle is a very dangerous place for bicyclist.

Most Seattle drivers think that they own the roads and they have no patients for bicyclists. So the onus is upon bicyclist to make sure that they avoid accidents. If we get hit we only have 100 pounds of aluminum to protect us. Where as the motorist have 5.000 pounds of steel between them and the bicycle. We bicyclist will be mortally injured if not killed. So we have to make sure that we are on the far right of the roads and watch the parked cars too, making sure that no car doors are opened in front of us. Seattle drivers are careless and stupid drivers.

The road along Boeing is about 2 – 3 miles and is completely flat.

I love riding my bicycle on that flat road. It is a lot of fun to watch the jets and air planes taking off while I am riding.

Today was the first time I had a chance to look at one of those behemoth pillars. It really is a wondrous accomplishment in both ingenuity and construction.

Interviewing Wife, dificulties having spouse with AD/HD

2008-06-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family

I am encouraging all of you to take 40 minutes and watch an interview I had conducted with Jenny (my wife). I had originally made this video four days ago and posted it on Youtube but they do not allow anything to be posted that is over 15 minutes long. So I had to edit the video into five different installments titled "Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD. Part 1 - 5" In the interview we discussed how difficult it has been for her being the pillar and support of our family while I am rehabilitating. I made the video for our friends and family that have expressed concern about me. Also for those of you whom I may never meet but you visit my blog (www.mytopdrawer01.blogspot.com) leave comments, and are following my progress. I wanted to show all of you that we're doing alright, we're getting through this tribulation together, and we're going to make it. I wanted all of you to see the better side of me, well actually you only get to get to hear her. The Grand Wizard behind the curtain.

Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 1

Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 2

Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 5

Usually I make journal entry's on my blog that are very personal. I am brutally honest about myself and very revealing. I do this as a way to record my rehabilitation progress and as a form of therapy. When I have completed my rehabilitation with D.V.R. (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) and my life living skills, I want to remember and visualize just how much progress I've made. To accomplish that goal I need to be honest with myself and with the world. Also if there is a possibility that somebody else may be going through the exact same thing that I am. If there is the slightest chance that I can help such an individual, just knowing that they are not alone, that I am experiencing the exact same thing that they are. It is my fondest hope that I may offer them assistance in their struggle. Even if my contribution may prove to be small, having the knowledge that they, that we, are not isolated nor alienated is a big measure of hope for recovery. I find solace in the possibility that my experiences may help somebody that I would otherwise never reach without transparent honesty and my blog.

I did not show Jenny on any of the videos, you can only see me during the entire interview and hear Jenny's voice. As I said earlier I am not asking questions that are overly personal, had I done that she would never have agreed to the interview. However I am showing a side of me, a side of us, that makes me the most fortunate man alive today.

For those of you who share my neurological disorder and whom I'll probably never meet in person, the person answering these questions is no different than your significant other or spouse. She experiences every hardship and tribulation that I endure. She does that while keeping a marriage and a family in a cohesive state. The kind of character and internal fortitude that my wife displays is nothing less than true strength personified. For those of you who visit my blog and on ADDER World, take 40 minutes and listen to the most intelligent, compassionate, understanding, and strongest person in my life. Until now all I've ever done is talked about her. Now you have the chance to listen to her for yourself.

Also if you have a spouse or significant other that is your own pillar of strength and support. These two videos would be ideal for them to listen to. I asked Jenny what she has done to help me but herself as well. I must admit and I am not saying this because she is my wife, she has a lot of fantastic ideas and advice.

One more thing before I end this journal entry. We who have this neurological disorder understandably get preoccupied with just struggling and coping with our disabilities. We cannot avoid getting wrapped up in everything we must endure to just live each day to the next. Rehabilitating, learning positive habits, unlearning negative coping skills, is overwhelming I know this all too well. However if we're fortunate enough to have somebody that loves us and is supportive, then all of our tribulations and hardships are theirs as well. Plus this person of support has the responsibility to keep a household in a cohesive state. Can you imagine how difficult it must be for them? Can you imagine how much strength that they need to have just to get through their day? They do not have the luxury of deciding if they have the internal fortitude each and every day, it's imperative that they must have it. They need to hear nearly every day how much they are loved and appreciated. Have you kissed your wife or significant other lately and thanked them for being your PILLAR, your ROCK? If not you should do so now. If you can't kiss this individual then call them, email them, and inform them just how much you love and appreciate them.

Road to DVR...

2008-06-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

I recorded some of my commute while riding my bicycle going to my DVR appointment today.

Once my meeting with my counselor had concluded I asked if she would mind taking part in a quick interview for my blog. She graciously agreed to do so. The interview is right after filming my bicycle ride, it is only 3 minutes long.

Two more videos I made when I was coming to terms with my disability.

2008-06-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

About month ago these videos were madde. I got up at 4:00 AM one morning and I just went bicycling. I only wanted to just get out and just, just....I don't know what I wanted I just needed to get my head straight.

While bicycling I came to terms with AD/HD and being disabled. These were some of the videos I made, I decided to make music videos out of them.

I made music video of the morning I came to terms with disability.

2008-06-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

This is a short music video.

The morning I came to terms with having AD/HD and being disabled was a defining moment for me. My depression that i was in was over and I felt a lot better.

Today I am going Sircrazy. Discover my average day being disabled with AD/HD and see for yourself how mundane, menial, and frustrating it is for me.

2008-06-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like I am going insane. Why? I feel like I am going batty today because I just really wanted to go bicycling on a long 50-80 mile ride. I love bicycling. Other than creating art, bicycling is my favorite thing todo.

I am so sick of being couped up in the house while my wife labors to keep our lives together. I am so sick of waiting to get things going with DVR too. I want to get on the road to recovery and gaining control of my life. Sitting at home doing nothing knowing that my wife is working hard. It just makes me feel so useless and worthless.

However, when I am bicycling and exercising intense veracity and my blood is pumping so hard that I can feel the THUMP, THUMP. THUMP, in my neck, I feel fantastic. Breathing the fresh cool air in the morning also makes me feel fantastic. All of my problems seem to disappear when I am engaged in bicycling. Bicycling has enriched and enhanced my life in so many different ways. It is more than a tool to maintain my fitness, its my therapy, it's my passion, its a love affair. When I can't bicycle, I get very irritated.

So what am I going to do with myself today. (LOL) I already looked at all of the good internet porn over the last 2 months. Nothing new or exciting there.

I know, why not show all of you my average day being disabled and see for yourself how mundane, menial, and frustrating it is for me.

Its raining in Seattle today.

Its a myth that Seattle gets a whole lot rain every day. But it does rain more here than other parts of the United states. I really, really, wanted to get out of the house today and go on a huge long bicycle ride. But if I can help it I will not ride my bicycle in the rain. Perhaps one of these days I should just say the hell with it and go riding in the rain anyway. I remember this one time riding to Kevin and Shellies house that it was pouring outside and I rode to their house anyway. I showed up soaked, and I got their hardwood floors all wet.

Making breakfast.

What else is there to do today? Other than blog about my usual day being disabled?

I do not know how stay at home moms, or other people who are disabled do this.

There is absolutely nothing, I mean nothing on TV. I have over 500 channels of shit.

(LOL) This my journal of descent into madness.

Elllen dancing. Do people actually enjoy watching Ellen dance.

More of Ellen dancing.

Actually I may regret admitting this later. But I do enjoy watching Ellen, but not her dancing. I like her ethical code of conduct and character.

My cat meowing.

That cat drives me insane at times. She will stay at that door and other doors just meowing "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" until I let her in or out. She learned that if she does that long enough I will give in. Later she will just stand outside the closed door wanting back in and do the same thing over again until I let her in.

One of the other things I do during the day is go on Adder World.

http://adderworld.ning.com

Adder World is a social networking site that is designed for people with AD/HD. I love contributing to this forum but it does not kill the endless monotony that I go through each day,

1st Support Group Meeting

2008-06-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight I attended a support group for the first time. I also experienced what it’s like to be truly alone.

While I was attending the meeting tonight I could not help but to fidget in my seat and tap my foot continually. I knew that I had this meeting tonight; I had marked it in my daily planner, my Outlook calendar, and on my online calendar as well. However for all my planning I did not prepare directions or medication. (sigh) I really get discouraged with myself at times.

Paying attention to everybody that was sharing their personal experiences coping with their symptoms was a challenge for me. However I managed well enough and I noticed that every that was in attendance at the meeting had one thing in common with each other. That is with everybody but me. The discoursed that they were sharing dealt with the challenges they have met maintaining active employment. Some of them have kept their jobs for two years, five years, and one guy even managed to keep his job for nineteen years. NINETEEN YEARS! He felt that he was underemployed.

I can’t even remain employed for four months, let alone two years. I realized that I was a minority in that room. I finally spoke up and said “I do not mean to be a negative asshole about myself. But I’ve finally realized just how ****** I am.” I added that I’ve gone through one marriage. The one person who was supposed to love me the most said that I was stupid and asked why I was the way I am. I continued on and said since 1992 I’ve been incapable of holding a job for longer than four months. That I would go through five to six jobs a year. I would be happy with just keeping one of those jobs, even if it meant being underemployed. I said a lot of other things that I’ve already mentioned on this blog before.

The defining aspect of that meeting was so glaringly obvious to me tonight. I was not like them, I am singularly different then all of them. In a room full of people who are afflicted with AD/HD and ADD I was still different than my peers. I stood out. I took a moment just now staring at all the words on this Outlook page before I cut and paste it too my blog. I was not reading anything I had written; I was merely staring and thinking. My contemplations are filled with negative sentiments about myself.

My entire life I have always been different then other people because of my disability. Tonight I was in a room full of people who all have AD/HD and how sad is it that I am still different then all of them. How pathetic is my state of affairs that I still stood out.

Gifts! What gifts?

2008-06-04T04:52:00.001-07:00

Recently I received the following response on one of the posts that I left on About.Com.

Hi Shane

Thankyou for sharing and my journey has been very slimular.

At the age of forty I went back to shool for one year for my grade 12 diploma. Then off to college for 3 years.

This is when I was labeled ADHD, relief i say because now there's a name . Now I can start somewhere to gather information .

This is life long and has to be manage every day,with humor

*nutrient eating certain food, mediation, working out is a must, behavior techniques. accepting you are brillant special gifts, I am blessed to be born with a positive attitude and sense of humor. Humor is strong !

I really love the gifts and accept who I am. Understanding -it is a combination of resources that works

It was a struggle, re inventing myself every day.

Learning to step back shake emotions and see the learning in all things. The negative and positive .)

Once I understood all the behaviour etc. I started Orgainizing my life,what hell this was. I tried many diffrent techneques because it was a combination of things that clicked for me. You have to mix it up until you come up with receipe.

Now my life has structure, creativity, work is stimulating .

My Volunteering is helping young people with adhd develope positive attitude , use thier gifts for strengths behaviors and devloping humor for life. Adhd people are so much fun to be around

Why do I do this? because this would have made my life so complete to have a adhd life coach.

The following was how I responded.

Gifts? What gifts? I do not think that I received the memo on that one. Sure I can take on many projects at once and I think faster than most my peers. However that does not mean I complete any those projects or that I would retain any of the information that is traversing through my mind at 100 MPH. My symptoms are like watching a TV and the channels are switching constantly and I have half a second to absorb the information before the next channel comes on. And the worst part about all of that is that somebody is controlling my TV by remote control.

Now if that is not bad enough, what little information that I can retain I think that it's so important that I have to share it with people while we're conversing. I'll interrupt them at times because I am afraid that I will forget what I was going to say. Of course this behavior is not understood by some people in my social circle. So they do not wish to be more than a than casual acquaintance because I am looked upon as a person that has bullying attributes.

Now if that is not bad enough at times I want to share or do something that I think is a good idea and in reality that which I wish to act upon is not socially acceptable. I am incapable of thinking about these impulses long to determine if it was actually a good idea or not. Inevitably I end up embarrassing myself or somebody else that I care about and I regret that which I had said or done. In those circumstances my guilt would be compounded if I hurt somebodys feelings that I deeply care about or I love.

Now isn't all of that a smoking resume on how to win friends and influence people? So honestly if there are any gifts that I can take advantage of in all of that I would like to be educated as to what they are.

Good news is that because I am medicated I am empowered to modify my behavior and socially evolve. I am also capable of adopting good habits and the negative ones I had come accustomed to are being eliminated. Retaining information while conversing is much more easier for me now. Which negates my need to interrupt individuals while we're sharing dialog. My mental faculties are not being overwhelmed by my sensory information which allows me to have the extra thinking room long enough to amend my behavior. As a result of all of this empowerment I haven't regretted my actions in a very long time now.

My only problem now is that I do not feel the need to add to dinner conversation while my wife and me are out with our friends. I am content on sitting back and listening to everybody else talk. Which is looked upon as uncharacteristic of me. I am receiving emails from my close friends and family if I am alright, I was very quiet that night. I have to explain to them that for the first time in my life I am very happy to listen to everybody else and I do not feel the need to interject or interrupt. If I feel like I have something worth sharing I can hang onto the thought long enough until the appropriate time avails itself. I've discovered that a lot things I thought were appropriate or important aren't. So I keep my actions and thoughts to myself.

So if there are any gifts that I am ignorant of, I'd certainly like to know what they are?

The Idealist

2008-06-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

My wife describes me as an idealist. Certainly I do not think that her view or definition view of me is incorrect. However I do not think having ideals is a negative attribute to own. I have always been told that if people do the right thing that they would be rewarded. When individuals do the right and honorable thing in the face of adversity and hardship isn’t their actions that much more noble? I am not one of those success stories that were rewarded for being courageous when I was faced with injustice and persecution. The conviction of my character has a price that at times I feel is too costly. My relationship with my children has been impacted in a negative way because doing what was right meant that I needed to adjust the terms of our relationship. I desperately wanted to be close with my daughter and was willing to be exploited by her to achieve that goal. Interactions such as that are not how healthy relationships are defined and ultimately would not be beneficial for either party. Fueled by the deception and manipulation of her mother and my unwillingness to maintain the same terms my daughter had been accustomed to resulted in her not wanting to have contact with me. Which I am sure you can imagine hurts me immensely. My daughter viewed me as somebody that she could get the things that she desired from. Like any other loving father I wanted to make my beautiful daughter happy, so I gave into her demands. When I refused my daughter behaved in a negative way until I did as she wanted. At times my actions would cause turmoil between my wife and me. My wife could not and would not live in a marriage while her husband was continually spoiling his daughter. (My daughter is a child from my previous marriage. This is why I say my daughter and not our daughter.) The definition of the word “spoiling” when referring to the treatment of children is “rewarding bad behavior.” There are people that misuse the word “spoiling” and I wanted to make the context clear. My wife demanded that I quit acting that way, even if it meant that my daughter would want to go back and live with her mother. I knew that my wife was not incorrect in her assessment of my relationship with my daughter so I complied with her request. My daughter no longer wanted to live with me and she decided to go back and live with her mother. That was over a two years ago.

I am positive you want to know how all of this fits into AD/HD and rehabilitation. I’ll explain that in a moment. Please bare with me because I have a point, really I do.

I am guilty of performing the responsibilities that parenthood demanded. I had to do that which was right and I knew I could not afford it. The price for being an individual of high moral character has proved to be too much. I do not have the luxury of contemplating whether or not I can abide these demands. This is the way it is and I must endure the tolls.

Why though? Why does it have to be that way? My relationship with my daughter is just an example of how unfair life situations can be. I do not foresee that my decision will be rewarded at all. Certainly if the course that has been determined in my daughter’s life is not altered future event have a very bleak outlook. I envisioned a Spielberg ending while the music of John Williams was conducted in the background and my daughter returned running into my awaiting loving embrace. Fade out white, roll the credits, and the audience has a feeling of immense satisfaction and that everything would be alright.

I promised I would explain what this has to do with AD/HD and now I will. Persevering that which I must is much like what we who have AD/HD have no choices over. Abiding the chaos we have created through no fault of our own is too much to endure at times. However we are left with little or no choice at all. Those of us who have AD/HD fighting the injustice of it all each day are a struggle. The hardship and tribulations that we all have encountered is overwhelming at times. Competing with our peers in workforce who do not have AD/HD is unfair and unequal treatment. We either educate our employers of our affliction and take the chance that we will be fired or live in fear each day that our employment will be terminated at any time. Attempting to compete with our un-afflicted counterparts is an insurmountable undertaking. However compete we must. Why do we have to display such constitution and continually be in a strong confrontational state of affairs, while other people have the ability to excel with little or menial effort? Why does our own pursuit of fulfillment and happiness have to be fraught with such extreme adversity? In an ideal world it would not be like that and it should not be this way now.

30 percent of all inmates have severe AD/HD. I cannot help but to believe that some of those people had little or no choices available to them. Certainly when individuals are confronting such drastic situations in their lives and they believe that breaking the law is a viable solution, then it’s safe to assume that the state of their affairs are dire. Should we not as a civilized and compassionated society help these people who resort to such drastic measures? Then why are people with neurological disorders being sent to prison? Incarceration will not improve these people and the argument could be espoused that they are learning how to better further their careers as criminals. I am not trying to suggest that they should not be punished. I am merely expressing my belief that once they’re convicted they should be punished with compassion and rehabilitation afforded to them.

I am an idealist that is my ideal world. However that is not the way things are.

Since this is my blog and journal entry and I am expressing my idealism, let’s call my imaginary civilization “Shane’s World.” In Shane’s World the criminals who have AD/HD would not endure a conviction at all. People who suffer with all neurological disorders would have services that they could take advantage of and receive help. Shane’s World would affectively reduce the self medicating population and thus eliminate the amount of drug addicts who are being treated as criminals. In Shane’s World people who have neurological disorders would have allowances made for them in the workforce and they will be given the chance to excel and achieve happiness. Shane’s World would be free of unjust and unequal treatment and people who have neurological conditions would not be afraid of divulging that information to employers. In Shane’s World those who have the strength of their convictions would be rewarded for displaying such admirable qualities. In Shane’s World people who persevere through hardships and tribulations would be afforded the opportunity to improve their circumstances.

In Shane’s Wor…In Shane’s. What I mean to say is that I, I, --- (sigh). Well there is no Shane’s World or any other imaginary fairy tale existence. There are no Spielberg endings with John Williams’s music playing in the background. For those of us who have AD/HD this is the way things are. We all must either learn how to persevere or stay down when Shit-head life knocks us out and adopt a defeatist mentality. Is it fair? NO! Is it right? NO! Is it equal? Not only no but, HELL NO!

I cannot leave this blog entry on that note. I am forced to remember a line in a fantasy book I read called The Dragon Reborn, written by Robert Jordan (may he rest in peace). The Dragon Reborn, known Rand Al Thor, had just won a key victory. Rand Al Thor is the reincarnation of a long since dead leader called Ulterior Hawkwing. Rand Al Thor looked over the landscape and saw all of the dead soldiers on both sides of the battle. As he did this he heard the voice of Ulterior Hawkwing speak up in his mind. “You will bury your dead and you will mourn their passing. But you will take any victory that you can, when you can, and take it you must.” I fight for each and every battle that I win against Shit-head life. I will mourn when I am defeated; however I will take any victory that I can and take it I must.

Yes I am an idealist. How can one survive through everything that I had endured and not think about the way things are versus the way things should be. Yes I am an idealist and I see nothing wrong with that.

My psychiatrist frustrates me

2008-06-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

My psychiatrist is really useless. She never listens to me, she interrupts me, and when I have a real problem that I want to tell her about she just ignores me. I do not know how many times I've told her that yes I have a son, yes he has AD/HD, yes I have a daughter, yes she has ADD. I told her that now that I am medicated I am having real complications in my life and she just says "Mmmhm tell me more about this psychologist you're going to see. I had already told her that I am being sent by DVR as a part of my rehabilitation program.

The only thing that she is good for is writing prescriptions.

Because you requested to see more of my art.

2008-05-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

I recently received a request that I post more of my pictures online. It never occurred to me that anybody would want to see my drawings. So I went into my closet and dug out all of my artwork and I have a lot of drawings. I never throw anything that I create away. However over the years I’ve somehow managed to lose some of my drawings. I could not decide which ones that I wanted to post on this blog. I thought about making a separate blog. Then I decided to just post nearly everything. Which I'll explain why I am posting my artwork on my AD/HD journal at the end of this of this blog entry. Between the uploading the artwork and writing the synopsis, this project has taken me 48 hours to complete.

This entire entry is going to showcase nearly every drawing that I've ever created. Some of the my artwork are 25 years old.

I am going to show my drawings in the the best chronological order that I can. However the majority of my drawings are not dated so obviously that task will be a challenge for me. Each drawing that I've uploaded I have provided a brief history explaining what I was thinking then, why I had created that drawings and what was transpiring at that juncture in my life. For instance I had a girlfriend break up with me in high school so I created a drawing reflecting my my broken heart. If you do not read the captions, you may miss the meaning of that piece of art.

I decided show case my artwork broken down into five categories.

MY DRAWINGS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

MY DRAWINGS IN HIGH SCHOOL

MY DRAWINGS IN THE 1990'S

MY DRAWINGS IN 2000

MY MOST RECENT WORK

Do keep in mind that the majority of my drawings are inspired by comic books. Had it not been for comic books I would not be an artist. Also I draw big, I like to make large drawings. So there is no way to actually scan the majority of my drawings. What I had to do instead was take pictures of them and upload the photos.

So get a large cup of coffee sit back and relax. I am inviting you to discover how much being an artist has enriched and enhanced my life.

MY DRAWINGS WHEN I WAS CHILD.

The drawing below is not my first drawing that I ever made. It’s actually my second drawing that I ever made.

My 1^st was of Conan the Barbarian that I copied directly out of a comic book. I do not know what ever happened to that drawing. However the lessons that I learned while I was creating that drawing I applied to the picture above. I wanted to make a drawing that was inspired by own imagination and independent of other peoples work.

The drawing below is a portrait of James Dean.

I was looking for inspiration for another drawing and I saw an image of James Dean in a National Geographic. When I saw that photo I instantly knew that I could draw it. I worked on that drawing for two days. It would take me probably 2 hours now. But I learned a lot of valuable lessons while creating that drawing.

Don’t ask me what that is a drawing below is.

I do not know myself. However as you can see I was understanding how to draw anatomy. I studied how comic book artists would draw the human body and I applied that knowledge to the drawing above. That picture was taken strictly from my own imagination.

The drawing below is something that I snatched from my imagination.

It is also taken from a photo as well.

Through the years this one drawing has been my most beloved drawing of all

I drew that drawing while vacationing with my family on the WA State Coast. As you can see my imagination at this point had grown considerably. No longer was I looking at the world the way other people viewed it. I would see a structure or an object and I would think of ways that I could turn it into drawing and a surreal kind of way. I’ve tried recreating that drawing and I’ve never been able to make it better.

The drawing below is self explanatory.

I copied this picture out of a news paper. But what you cannot see very clearly is the name that is printed on the jet. When I was drew this picture I changed the name to Sabra. I had humongous crush on this girl in Jr High named Sabra Crilly. We shared 3 period math together and I told what I thought was my friend that I liked Sabra. He thought it would be funny if he told her about my crush. To ad insult to injury when she discovered the news she said “oh gross’ and shoved her finger in her open mouth as if she were choking. It devastated me.

The drawing below is a quick sketch of the Joker with reflection of skull in his eye.

The idea was as that as the panels got closer the picture inside got larger until one could see whole side of the Jokers face with the skull reflection in his eye. As you can see I understood how comic books were drawn. I knew what I liked and what I thought looked good inside of comic books.

The drawing below is my first attempt and only attempt at drawing Superman.

I hated that drawing and I almost threw it away. I did not copy it from anything, it was my idea how Superman should look. I never wanted to try and draw Superman since then.

The drawings below are taken from my 1^st comic book that I ever drew.

The drawing on the left is my cover, and the drawing on the right is my 1^st page. My character name is Psychotic. The storyline is my character getting married and while they're taking vows their wedding ceremony was ambushed by drug cartels. Psychotic wife to be was murdered right in front of him. He was mortally wounded and should have died. Somehow he had survived and through his grief he and anger developed supernatural powers and became a vigilante.

The drawing below are more pages from my comic book.

The drawing above is my hero hunting down one of the drug cartels that killed his wife. Although I knew what I liked in comic books and how they flowed, I had no idea how they were made. I thought the drawings I saw inside of comic books were drawn to size. I had no idea that they were drawn bigger and shrank to fit inside of a comic book. The drawing below is a pinup I drew for my 1^st comic book.

What comic book would ever be complete without a pinup?

At this point I decided that what I really wanted to do more than anything else, what I wanted to do as a career, was become a comic book artist. I do not how old I was at then, certainly not old enough to work yet. I remembered that I heard stories about my favorite writers writing for Superman when they were just 15 years old. I decided if they could work as writers, why couldn’t I work as a comic book artist? So I mailed copies of my comic book Psychotic to either Marvel or DC and two weeks later I received a rejection letter. They told me me that I sucked. No not really. They just said that I needed to learn how to draw their characters.

The rejection letter did not deter me. However my parents, my grand parents, and even my school officials, they all saidthat I needed to do something practical. Everybody was telling me that I needed to get something useful under my belt 1^st. For instance my father told me “Shane you should do something practical 1^st, like welding. Then go back and do your art.”

First of all, WHAT DOES ANYBODY KNOW ABOUT PRACTICALITY? Commercial artists today make a shit load of money. Comic book artists also make a lot of money. Nobody encouraged me to follow my hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Nobody ever tried to discover what I needed to do to pursue a career in art. NOBODY! I do not care if my dream was practical or not. That is what I wanted to do, that was what I wanted to be. Those were my dreams. So I followed the advice I had received and I decided to take vocational training that was offered to me while I was in high school and become a welder, BECAUSE THAT WAS PRACTICAL! Eventually what really ended happening was that I abandoned my dreams. Well...I never became a welder. I hated everything about that vocation. My heart was in art, my dreams lied in a blank sheet of paper and a pencil. I never got a chance to receive formal training to fulfill my dream of pursuing a career in art.

I do not care if my son wants to play a trombone, guitar, or anything else as a career choice. What ever he decides to do I am going to discover what must be done for him to achieve his goals and support him.

O.K. I am done complaining about that.

Have you ever see n the picture The Trails End? There are two different versions of that painting. One is with a cowboy on the horses back and the other is with a Native American. That famous paint inspired my drawing below.

I decided it would be really cool to have a woman’s face in the clouds behind. It never turned out the way I hoped.

The drawing I below, I am unsure how I came up with that idea.

What I do remember about that drawing however is the fact that it was not well liked by a friend of my parents. Tom Simmons and his wife were both ministers. Both Tom and his wife were having dinner at our house one evening. After dinner I showed Mrs Simmons the drawing above. She said to me ‘if you ever want to successful you had better change your style.” Later Mrs Simmons and her husband ended up abandoning both their church and their congregation.

The drawing below is an idea I had while watching Star Trek The Next Generation.

What would it look like if we saw a woman’s face in space. One half of her face would comprise a nebula. The other half of her face would be real. I imagine it would look something like the drawing above. When I drew that drawing it turned out exactly the way I imagined.

The drawing below. I have no idea what inspired me to draw that, or why I drew it.
I do remember reading art books atthat time and I was experimenting with shading. All I know is that when the movie Robocop came out, I felt ripped off. Soon as I saw the movie it reminded me of my drawing. I wanted to know if someone in Hollywood was going through my drawings. Notice in nearly all of my drawings I do not show the hands. I discovered then that hands are particularly difficult to draw.

The drawing below is inspired by Frank Franzetta. He is one of my favorite fantasy

I decided that I wanted to discover art work outside of comic books. Soon after I made that decision I discovered artists like Frank Frazzeta, Boris Vallejo, and HR Giger. These fantasy artists were a huge inspiration to me. They are still my favorite artists to this day. The drawing above was my attempt to be like to Frank Frazetta. I was soon enlightened to the fact that women are a lot harder to draw than men. Especially if you’re trying to draw attractive half naked women.

What was I thinking? Why did I create the drawing below?I do not know why or what I was thinking.

I don't know what I was thinking when I had created the drawing below either.

However at this time in my life I had been studying human anatomy, shading, lighting, and most of all of my drawings at that point were strictly from my imagination. I was developing my own style and becoming a real artist. I remem ber thinking I w as extremely happy with the drawing above, that it looked exactly they way I imagined it in my head. Remember, I was not e ven in high school yet.

MY DRAWINGS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

All the drawings that are on lined notebook paper were created while I was actually sitting in my classes and I supposed to be paying attention. None of drawing that are on the note book papers were created in my art classes. Inevitably during parent teacher conferences my teachers informed my parents that I do not pay attention in class, and that I draw too much.

The Drawing below is obviously a snake.

Don’ t ask m e why I decided to draw a snake, I hate snakes. But notice the use of shading.

These next two drawings, I do not know what I was thinking or why I had drawn them.

All I know is that I was having a very hard time paying attention in my classes.

Sometimes I would just get ideas and go with them. This isn't anything special. It was just absolutely impossible for me to stay on task, I just could not pay attention to what my teachers were saying. So I would just draw, even when I had no inspiration or any idea about what I was going to draw.

Below is just a character I do not know why I drew it.

What I am attempting to show in this drawing was my knowledge of proportion then. The hand at the front of the body will be as big as the human head when it is drawn on paper. I was getting better at drawing hands too.

The drawing below is a castle floating on a huge boulder in the skies.
So I had this idea one night while I was reading one of my comic book to draw a castel floating in the skies. I thought it would look really cool to have the only source of color coming through a window. It never quite turned out the way I’d hoped. I was starting to make my drawing a lot bigger at that point in my life. I was just really bored with drawing things small.

The drawing below. I do not know what it is.

I wanted to draw your attention to the use of shading. I was really starting to understand how to use shading. This was supposed to be a big ass sea serpent. Unfortunately what I ended with was a small sea --- something.

The drawing below I had intended it to be something super sexy. I wanted it to be my end all of be all of erotica. Instead what I created was ...I do not know what it ended up being. I think it just looks stupid.
I was good at drawing men. However I still had a lot to learn about drawing women. The woman’s breasts in the picture above, they're aren't drawn correctly. They are upturned too much.

What would it look like if a giant held sword against a regular size man? Something like the drawing below I imagine.

I do not know what was going through my head when I drew that. But my hands were getting better.

The drawing below is Madonna.

When Like a Prayer was out. Before Madonna became a M.I.L.F

Speaking of Madonna. The drew picture below after my girlfriend broke up with me.
I actually had a girlfriend named Madonna, honestly and truly I did. I drew this picture after she had broken up with me.

The drawing below is a battle scene obviously.

had started drawing more action sequences.

As I was starting to learn human anatomy better.

The drawing below is one of my very 1^st heroes.
I was getting really good at drawing hands, anatomy, and excellent at shading. Now I just needed to learn how to draw action sequences.

The drawing below is a nother one of my early heroes.

I hate that drawing. I do not even know why I am posting it.

The drawing below is another hero I created.

Just a posing picture. But notice the hands, anatomy, and shading. Everything is coming together. I am coming into my own style, and becoming an accomplished artist.

The drawing below is another one of my heroes.

About this time I could draw clothes well, I was decent drawing hands, and I knew how to shade very well. The only thing I wanted to do more than anything else was draw comic books.

The drawing below is one of my early villains.

I never liked this drawing that much. But I needed a villain to show.

If you’re wonder why I keep writing “the drawing below”

Because I am writing this in a word doc and loading my blog with pictures. As it loading I am writing this. The drawing above is one of my villains I used a little color.

The drawing below is a high school project.

I do not know what it was about, or what I had to do. Something to do about hate goups and victims. This was also the last drawing I did in high school. That was all of my drawings from high school.

MY DRAWINGS OF THE 1990’S

The drawing below is just an astronaut hero.

I was pretty much into my own style at this point, and I was not evolving much as an artist. What I needed at this point was formal training. That has never happened, who knows if it ever will.

The drawing below is my attempt to draw Aliens and Predator.

I loved the comic books of Aliens and Predator and just had to draw my own. Also I drew this drawing completely from memory. I wanted to see if I could do that. When I compared my drawing later to the comic books. I was delighted to see how well I I had done.

The drawing below is just inspired by Frank Frazetta and Highlander the Movie.

In the 90’s I never did much of anything that was unique.

The drawing below is just a hero type drawing.

But the reasonwhy I am showing this particular one is because of the hands. I was getting really good at drawings hands. And I had the feeling that this design I was drawing, would turn into something really cool. But I was not aware of what he would be or what I would do with him.

The drawing below is probably my favorite super hero I ever created.

I had a dream one night of a balding man who was like Conan the Barbarian. This was at 3:00 AM. And when I woke up, I just had to get up and draw this character. If you can imagine Conan, and he was immortal, then you can imagine Crenshaw. I knew then the kind of a design I wanted to create for a really cool anti super hero type. I got the name Crenshaw from the street in Los Angeles.

The drawing below is Crenshaw in his past.

I just became obsessed with this character I thought of.

The drawing below is super hero Crenshaw.

I had a cool idea for his costume. I dunno if I like it very much.

Below is another drawing of Crenshaw I never completed.

Again this is Crenshaw in his future, no longer a barbarian. I just became so obsessed with making new renditions of this character. He is my most beloved comic book character I had made to that date. He still remains probably my most favorite of all the characters I’ve ever created. In this drawing one can really see how I go about drawing a character. I draw a lot of lines fleshing out my character. Then I would take a darker pencil and trace over the lines that are proportionally correct. Or sometimes I’ll use a pen.

The drawing below was done when my ex wife and I got divorced.

Notice that it is the same kind of theme as when my ex girl friend and I broke up when I was in high school.

Believe it or not, I did not mean to do that.

I was just depressed when I made that drawing and that was what came out. These two drawings are at least 7 years a part from one another. I just now noticed that as I am putting all of this together.

The drawing below. I dunno, what can I say?

I just wanted to draw something that I never did before. So I decided to push my personal boundaries and I drew a lot of pornographic drawings. Too bad this is a family friend blog or I would post them.

The drawing below is obviously a graveyard.

If you can read the tombstone its saying one of the lines from the movie The Crow. I watched that movie and I instantly fell in love with it. I at times use color in my drawings, but I prefer not to most of the time. Black & White has always been my chosen medium. To me a drawing just isn’t a drawing when color is brought into the picture. I’ll probably never will become an artist that uses color a lot.

The drawing below is Brandon Lee The Crow.

Except Brandon Lee was never that muscular. That is what The Crow would look like if I drew it in a Comic book.

The drawing below is a super hero inspired by Spawn.

Todd McFarlane has been one of my most favorite comic book artists in the world. Still to this day I love his work a lot. But the 90’s was not a decade where I did a lot of unique work. I improved on my skills a lot but life had a much different plan for me. I struggled to keep a job all of the time and I could not devote much time to drawing at all. My ex wife was never ever really supportive of me. And she thought my passion for creating comic book characters was childish.

The drawing below is probably my most original drawing I did in the 90’s.

I wanted to draw two people dancing. I don’t know why. I just wanted to draw it. So after I had the two of them fleshed in I was stuck. Now what? I needed a back ground. So I sat staring at my drawing for an hour. Then I decided to draw a light house in the back ground. Why a light house? I don’t know. What are these people doing dancing in front of a light house? I DON”T KNOW. So the back ground became just as much of a character as the dancers. I don’t know if this drawing is one of my favorites. But to this day it remains one of my oddest and most unique drawings.

The Drawing below is inspired by The Oklahoma City Bombing.

Do you remember that memorable image of the Firemen that carried that little girl from the rubble? That little girl ended up dying or was dead. I was so moved by that image that I had to draw it. I was also very affected by that tragedy. I was actually making this drawing for a local radio personality and I was going to mail it to him, but obviously as you can see I never did.

The drawing below is inspired by the super hero from th e comic book Alpha Flight called Sasquatch.

I wanted to draw my own Sasquatch and that was what I ended up with. Again nothing original or great. That was pretty much the story of how I spent my time in the 90’s. I wanted to be a comic book artist so badly, I wanted to be a known artist so much, and I could never devote any time to practicing or do anything unique and original.

The drawing below is a super hero I created that was inspired by Thor.

Same old story. Nothing Original.

The drawing below is a super villain I created.

As far as cool looking bad guys this villain is by far my most favorite. I became very good at drawing heroes and villains. I had pretty much mastered shading and I was still not the best artist at drawing anatomy. There were a lot of artists that could draw circles around. I had pretty much reached the boundary of my limits without formal training. Still to this day I have taught myself as much as I am capable of teaching myself. I do not have a name for this villain. This is just an idea I had for one and I needed to draw it and get it out of mind.

The drawing below is just another super villain that I created.

I don’t think it’s all that unique. But it was fun drawing him. He better not ever scratch his cheek on his shoulder.

The super hero below is inspired by The Punisher.

What would The Punisher look like if he had long hair and were a mercenary? Probably like the guy above. However the Punisher would never have a sword. Never the less this is my version of The punisher. I really like this guy a lot, I don’t know if I will ever do anything with him. I do not even have a name for him.

The drawing below is my final drawing of the 90’s.

I saved my best drawing forthe last. Its also my most unique drawing as well. I spent 2 days on this drawing, one of which was just drawing the fine detail on that bridge alone. The only complaint I have about this drawing is I do not like the cobble stones on one of the towers in the back ground. The stones are too uniformed. Other than that I love this drawing. You who are looking at this will probably say “what are you talking that? That drawing is absolutely amazing. It looks fantastic.”

Well dear reader, we artists are our own worse critics. We painstakingly take hours and obsess over the tiniest details. And if something doesn’t look right, the whole drawing doesn’t look right. We artists or maybe I should just talk for myself. I cannot help but to be that way aboutmy work. There are a lot of artists that are so much better than me. So I have to make sure that my artwork is perfect.

June 1 / 7:15 PM..I am Making an addition.
I was looking over this long journal entry and discovered numerous grammar errors. You’re just going to have to forgive me reader. This project took me 48 hours to complete. I did most of this unmedicated. I’ll go through and correct my mistakes later.

However I am not making this blod entry addition to complain about grammar. I was watching that lame movie Michael with John Travolta…when, when (sigh) Perhaps I should preface this addition a different way.

Back in 1993 I used to be really, really, religious. Matter of fact I was a huge Christian fundamentalist. If I still adhered to that religion now a person could use the word Evangelical to describe me. If one were inclined label me that is.

I was watching the movie Michael with Jen (my wife) and I was telling her about a comic book that I created back in 1993. I used to love reading about stories that dealt with biblical horror. Topics like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, 666, Number of the Beast, the Rapture, and Armageddon. I loved reading about the end of the world, the Antichrist, and the approaching war between heaven and hell. I still enjoy reading works of fiction dealing with the subject manner today. However I take these works of fiction as seriously as I would any other fictionalized story.

Human beings were no longer being born with souls. All the women in the world were giving birth to still born babies. Every pregnancy on the planet the fetuses would all gestate normally. Doctors on every continent were documenting nothing unusual during labor. However when the infants started sliding down the birth canals they would all die. This phenomenon was not isolated to just human babies. Every species on the planet were no longer giving live births.

One infant on the entire planet was going to be born alive and with a soul. This baby would eventually serve as an instrumental role between the forces of heaven or hell. The arch angel Michael was sent to intercept the birth and protect both the mother and child. Shaitan the son of Satan was also on the same mission however according to hells plans the mother was dispensable.

I went through my drawings again and I could not believe I overlooked this comic book. There are a lot of good drawings that I had created and stored away. In fact they’re such wonderful pieces of art that it constitutes an extra addition to this blog entry.

So I’ll start this series out with the cover for my comic book The End is Near.

I wanted to have two guys that looked really freaking cool. If you encountered either one of them you would be equally scared. Arch angel Michael is obviously the guy on the lft. I am not particularly happy with how his chest muscles look. I don’t think his biceps look all that great either. However Shaitan, I think I got all his muscle groups drawn correctly and I think he looks fantastic.

The story starts with a voice in heaven that says “it is you who must go. You are their last ope.”

Drawing comic books is like looking through a television monitor. The monitor is telling a story with images alone. There for every panel that is created must be thought of as television monitor telling story as well. The reader or the viewer would see the Earth, the sun, and the moon. Next the a city would be seen with the moon in the back ground. Following the views all the way to a church

The next page shows Michael materializing instantly in a church scaring the grounds keeper.

I always liked using checkered tile on a floor. Because the extreme contrasts make a very interesting drawing to look at.

The next two pages are of a pregnant crack addicted prostitute named Claire.

While she was standing naked in her bedroom she had decided to end all her misery and pain. I had the coolest idea for this page. The razor blade and blood droplets falling to floor would become panels for this page.

I thought that it would be a great idea to tell Bobby’s murder with images inside the blood droplets. I used the razor blade shows one of Clair’s eye crying. The blood droplet shows a gun shooting Bobby (Claire’s fiancé) in the face. I do not think that this page is my best work. But I do love the idea I had.

Clair was once engaged and very much in love Bobby. As the two of them were leaving a live musical one night they were abducted by 3 men. Claire was forced to watch as Bobby was murdered. After Claire was raped, brutalized, mortally wounded, she left for dead.

Claire stumbled to her bed as the blood drained from her body. As the darkness encroached on the edge of her vision the misery that was her life had finally pumped out her severed arteries and the darkness took her.

The next page is Shaitan materializing in a satanic church.

On an earlier page Satan worshipers were praying to Satan in the hopes conjuring a demon. They got more than they asked for and when Shaitan materialized he killed everybody. I did not like this page at all, the artwork sucked. So I did not add it to this addition.

The next page is Shaitan is on a hill with full moon in the skies.

Unsure why he is on Earth he calls upon his father Satan and asks what him what his will is?

On the next page a bolt of energy is streaking through space and time.

This energy manifests itself on Earth and Satan’s huge head appears in front of Shaitan hanging in the air. Satan then tells his son what he must do.

There is another page I drew where Shaitan is recalling the last time he encountered Michael.

When Lucifer fell from Gods grace he and Shaitan both took a 3rd of heavens angels with them. They then lead these fallen in a revolt against the armies of heaven. Michael commanded the forces of heaven and defeated Lucifer and Shaitan fallen angels. The legions of hell were then exiled for eternity vowing to take all of mankind with them. If they were to be ostracized from heaven and God’s glory, then all of God’s creations would join them as well. God would not allow this atrocity to take place, so he placed Gabriel and Michael in charge of the forces of heaven. This war has been transpiring before mankind’s creation and continues today.

I am not a huge fan of these sea serpents. I do not think that they look all that good at all.

I do not know what my inspiration was when I created this drawing. However I thought maybe some of you would like this drawing.

Then there is this bridge that I never finished as well.

I am uncertain as to why I never completed the drawing above. However if my memory serves me correctly, I think I wanted to start a different drawing. What art piece that was I do not know.

I had an idea to draw a person wearing shades with two separate faces in the lenses.

Where this idea came from I am uncertain about. However I do like this drawing a lot so I added it to this addition. I did not like how the face didn’t look all that interesting so I added some scars and tattoos to it.

There are also a lot of other good drawings in this stash that are not related to this comic but I decided to include them in this addition.

Drawings like this unfinished barbarian on a very extreme mountain top.

MY DRAWINGS OF 2000

So I wanted to start 2000 off learning a new technique. I also wanted decided because I never will become a comic book artist that I would just become the best artist that I could become at making pictures. I thought it would just be best if I drew big pictures and took my time with me. I decided to fulfill my need of drawing comic books would be served as drawing fantasy art.

Fantasy art is the one medium that doesn’t require dead on accuracy. To an extent that is. I still have to draw shading correctly, but who knows what light and shadow looks like on a alternate universe or distant galaxy? I could draw anything to look exactly the way I wanted it to look because these objects, figures, or landscapes do not exist in real life. I could draw barbarians fighting on a distant planet and universe in the middle of space and I do not need to worry about whether or not they can breathe in space because to my knowledge these landscapes and people do not exist. They exist purely in my imagination and I fantasy art allows this freedom. Unlike life drawing where anatomy, landscapes and objects all have to be accurate.

That being said the drawing below is barbarians in a distant galaxy.

I decided to experiment with a different technique called cross hatching and stipple art. This drawing was created all in ink. The shading is created by bunching dots closely together and cross hatching lines. I liked the way this drawing turned out. However the big guy’s neck isn’t sitting on his shoulders correctly. His neck looks broken. I am not happy with that.

The drawing below is a barbarian’s face I could not get out of my mind.

Sometimes I’ll get a character, or a person’s face stuck in my mind and I just have to draw it to get it out or I’ll be tormented until I do. The character below is one of those faces. I had to draw his face and more importantly his tattoo in his face.

The Drawing below is Crenshaw again.

A slight variation of him Crenshaw won’t leave me alone. He still pops up in mind from time to time and I have to draw him. The time spent in the 90’s I perfected my technique tremendously. My drawings and faces look more realistic in 2000.

The Drawing below is what I called Battle Across the Skies.

I had an idea to draw a hero fighting a demon. Except the hero side will be like a sunny forest. The demons side would be dead trees, cloudy skies, and lightning. I liked the way the drawing above turned out. However its not one of my favorites.

The drawing below is what I call Dark Encounters.

I saw this guy in a dark trench coat one day and I thought what it would be like to encounter this guy in a dark alley. What does he have underneath his trench coat? Then I thought it would make an amazing drawing. I couldn’t get it out of my head until I did decide to draw it.

The drawing below is a girl I saw at the mall in Seattle.

One of the many times that I was unemployed I was in down town Seattle at Pacific Place mall and I saw this little girl sitting in the sun. She looked like that she was Latino, however I am uncertain. Her positioning in the sun light made one of her face look really dark. I saw this moment in time and I just had to get a picture of her. Later on I printed the picture and drew her. The drawing above is exactly what she looked like and identical to the photo.

The drawing below is actually basketball players.

I decided I wanted to make a really cool battle scene and I thought the best way to get that accomplished was to look at action sequences. What better way to get that accomplished than studying professional sports players. I got this scene out of a Sports Illustrated.

The drawing below is rather self explanatory. Just barbarians hiking up a mountain.

Wouldn’t it had been cool to see Vikings or barbarians hiking up the side of a mountain? That was the general idea I had for this drawing. However drawing the background for this picture proved to be a lot more challenging than I expected it to be. It took me longer to draw this piece than I had anticipated because of the background alone. It surprised me a lot.

The drawing below is just what it looks like.

The above is an idea I had. I just wanted to draw a dark medieval tunnel and light at the end of it at night. This drawing is really boring.

The drawing below is an idea I had one night while trying to sleep.

It’s just a basic barbarian type hero, just posing on a cliff edge with bad weather in the back ground. I guess I like it OK. Its not one of my favorites.

The drawing below is a barbarian in prison.

At night while I am trying to sleep is when I get the best ideas. This particular idea struck me and it stayed with me all the following the next day. What would it look like to have a pissed off barbarian in chains, behind bars, with a Viking type barbarian looking in on him. Also what would it look like if they were all surrounded by torches, with torch light coming in on them. I thought it would look cool and I am happy with the way this turned out.

The drawing above is a volcano erupting with a shark and merman swimming through the air.

This picture is a part of series of pictures I did called Reality Bent. This particular illustration is called Reality Bent 2. Honestly I do not know what to think about this picture. I do not know if I like it or not. Certainly this drawing was one of my hardest to create. The entire drawing is all done with lead. I used an entire pencil on creating it. And to get it that dark requires a whole lot of pressure and going over the same area many times. Plus one has to get all of lines going in one direction. I don’t like the shark much; it looks like its smiling. It was very difficult to get the shark to look vicious. I like the merman a lot; I thought I did a good job on him. But I do not know if they look like they’re swimming through the air.

The drawing below is a Valkyrie.

I do not know what to think of this drawing either. Certainly the 90’s were all about perfecting my skills. 2000’s now that my skills are perfected and I do portrait like drawings. I do not know if they look good or not. That is a woman’s face above. I think she looks very, very, masculine which is why I chose to draw her. The portrait is great, that is what that woman’s looks like. I just don’t think she makes a good Valkyrie.

That is it for 2000’s drawing. Now I am going to post my current project.

MY MOST RECENT WORK

So the following images are my most current work I am creating a graphic novel. My book is fantasy and Scifi. The setting is future Earth. The world had become broken and mankind lost all technology except for one society. This society called Liere dominates the entire planet. There are witches, wizards, and techno sages in my graphic novel. There are humans giants, genetically enhanced humans. There are barbarians, cyborgs, and all sorts great ideas I am toying with. One of the coolest ideas I am excited about is playing with sexuality and comfort zones. One of the races people are hermaphrodites, very endogenous and peace loving people. However thay can also be wickedly deadly. Their enemies are war loving society and very masculine. The prince from that society is going to fall in love with one of hermaphrodites.

The picture below is one of my early drawings for Einherjar.

I like to draw big, but my scanner cannot scan my large drawings. As you can see it is also dificult to take pictures of my drawings as well. For this graphic novel I decided to draw small so that it would be easier to scan. The picture above is my hero looking down upon a burning village. His name is Peyguhn, which is old Norse for pagan.

All of the rest of the drawings i am going to show you are all in a spiral bound note book containing my art and story.

The idea I have is to have one page art, and one page of story. Or at least as much art work as I can. Its not working like I planned.

Introduction to Einherjar, the Viking Norse Legend.

“The Einherjar are the heroes, chosen by the Valkyrie to enter Valhalla. Each day, they fight each other to the death. Those slain, are brought back to life at the end of each day. By night, they feast on meat from Saehrimnir, the boar who comes back to life just in time for the next meal. Mead, from Odin's goat, Heidrun, are served by the Valkyries to the Einherjar. When the Einherjar have had their fill, they then go out and fight each other again. They do this in preparation for Ragnarok, where the Einherjar shall fight along side Odin in the final battle.”

There are remnants and signs of a forgotten humanity. There are stories of instant communication, when humans could talk to their loved ones and view their images over vast distances. A time where a thing called the atom was split and nations could decimate each other in a single moment. Men walked on the moon and touched the stars.Nobody knows how or when it happened, before the world broke. It was said that technology betrayed mankind and individuals became far too dependent on luxuries like having their food instantly cooked. When people could no longer have instant light and the lands had shifted and cracked, they turned against each other. Those who could not fight and survive died.

The drawing below is one of my heroes Peyguhn and his father.

Peyguhn father looks like Crenshaw doesn’t he? I did that on purpose. I may do a back story on his father. For now he is just father.

The drawing below is a close up of Peyguhn father.

Peyguhn and Fortis are both adopted by their father.

The drawing below is Fortis’ war tent.

Fortis is Peyguhn’s adopted brother. Fortis is the commander of all of Einherjar forces. Fortis is inside planning a battle. Einherjar is about to go to war with a neighboring kingdom. The kingdom adjacent are barbarians.

The drawing below is Fortis.

Fortis is old Greece for Force. Fortis is leaving his tent to see the Showen. Showen both a name and it is a title. Showen is old Norse for show. A Showen in the kingdom of Einherjar is both a spiritual leader and witch. Showen and Fortis are having a secret affair.

The drawing below is Hawken and Fortis arguing.

Hawken is Showen’s Protectere. A Protectere is a Showens bodyguard. A Protectere is trained from birth in all forms of combat. A Protectere and a Showen are paired at birth. A Protectere is trained to protect their Showen even unto their own deaths. They are also trained to love nobody else but their Showen. Protecteres are also enchanted by their Showens to have enhanced physical abilities. They also need less rest and nourishment.

In the drawing below, Hawken and Fortis are fighting.

I like this drawing a lot for the fighting sequence, and for the background. Hawken does that nearly every time that Fortis visits the Showen. He acts that way because he is jealous and because he is bored. Never has it gotten so seiorus though.

In the drawing below, Fortis is walking away from Hawken.

Hawken quit fighting with Fortis after The Showen told him tio quit. Hawken was just toying with Fortis. Hawken is old Norse for Hawk.

The drawing below is The Showen.

Showen is a name and it is a title. Showen is old Norse for show. A Showen in the kingdom of Einherjar is both a spiritual leader and witch. Showen is and Fortis are having a secret affair.

In the drawing below a visitor is

A strange visitor says he has a message for the king and can only deliever it himself. The stranger is unarmed and being led by spear point.

In the drawing below Raul had been killed with his own sword after it had been broken in half.

Raul is dead, one of the kings most beloved guards and friend.

In the Drawing below Fortis is comforting the King. He just saw one of his closest guards killed.

Raul killer killed all of the kings guards and gave a message to the King that impending doom will visit his kingdom if he does submit to their enemies kingdom.

In the drawing below Hawken and Showen are summoned to the Kings chambers.

The King is commanding Peyguhn, Fortis, Showen, and Hawken on a quest for Liere. Liere is the Kingdom of technology and the dominant force on the planet.

And it has been decided.

The quest for Liere will start after Einherjar forces are triumphant in the upcoming battle with the barbarians in the neighboring kingdom.

In the drawing below Peyguhn is sitting in a chair

While talking to the princess inside her chambers.

In the drawing below Peyguhn and the Princess are in bed together.

The two of them are spending this last quite moment together before Peyguhn goes into battle the following day.

In the drawing below, Fortis is planning for a battle with the neighboring kingdom.

Before Fortis can start the quest for Liere he first must to defeat their neighboring kingdom in battle the following day.

So with that last one that concludes my art show post. I hope you at least found something that you liked. If not I hope you hated it. Because I would rather you hate my art, than not feel anything at all. That would be the worst thing that could happen when people see my art.

Why did I decide to post my life's work on a blog dedicated to my rehabilitation process and efforts take control from AD/HD has had over my life?If you read my journal entry about the sacrifice I made selling my comic books. Then you would know the role that art has been played in my life.

Like comic books, being an artist, has played a monumental role in my life. Had I not been an artist I would not be the man that I am today. My art gave me confidence when I had none. The process of creating many of pieces of art that I made has taught me patience. Constructing my illustrations provided me an outlet to discover my imagination. But most of all being an artist defines who I am.

When I felt stupid, when I felt defeated, when I felt worthless, and when I just wanted to give up on myself. I knew that I could do something that many people only wished that they could accomplish. I am a very talented artist. I endured everything that AD/HD has unleashed on my life because I was and am an artist.

Creating art will be a part of my rehabilitation process.

Let things go.

2008-05-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I just need to chill out. My mother-inlaw was worried that I am just getting way too worked up over small things. She offered me some wonderful advice that I do intend on taking under deep consideration and remembering. If something has me upset I now have the ability to focus on it and decide if it is really worth getting upset about.

So this is my official kick off just chilling out. However it is difficult for me but, not impossible, because my medication causes me to be irritable at times. It also just amplifies my emotions. I am learning to work through it.

"That which does not kill us only makes us stronger"
Frederich Nietzsche

I remembered an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation the other day while I was reflecting upon past events. It was a Picard centric episode where Q was showing him what his life would had been like had he not been stabbed in the heart. Picard then received an artificial heart. Q showed Picard that he would never have had the same courage, ambition, not afraid to fail, and he would never had the drive to succeed. Remembering that installment made me wonder if I had not been afflicted with AD/HD my entire life, would I have the same character that I now possess today. The will to succeed no matter how many times I fail. The ability to get back up after I've been knocked down and out. I seriously doubt that I would.

"If it does not kill you, it will only make you stronger." I pulled through every tumulus event in my life. Granted I did have assistance at times. But for the most part I only had myself to rely on. I had no other option at my disposal. What was I going to do? Just stay down and give up? What people do after they get beat up by life and knocked to the ground is what defines them. That is how people are going to remembered.

I never realized that until just recently. We are defined by our past experiences and it is through hardships and tribulations that we learn how to construct lasting and real character. So if something is not worth expelling energy over, let it go. Save your emotions for something that will require your attention.

Thanks Chris

One of the worst days in my life.

2008-05-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

I just got back from bicycling half way across Seattle and back again. The weather was perfect and I felt fantastic. Too bad the meeting that I was scheduled to keep I really wasn't looking forward to. Recently I've gone through my comic book collection and I've been advertising them on Craig's List and I am preparing to auction them on Ebay as well. I jus t s old some my prized possessions at a price that would make any comic book collector’s mouth drop to the floor. A few of those comic books I've had since I was a teenager. I cannot describe the intense pain that I felt inside, it hurt me so deeply to part with my Wolverines and Spider Man. I wanted to just turn and walk out of that cafe. And after I sold them I wanted to chase the collector down screaming at the top of my lungs "no, no, stop, oh please for all that is good in this world NOOOOOOOooooo! I changed my mind."

Today is literally one of the worst monumental biggest days of my life that I will remember for as long as I am alive. I am not exaggerating at all, I could not be more serious. I am going to mourn this day, mark it on my calendar, and remember it every year for as long as I am alive. And each passing generation it will be one of my dying wishes that this day be remembered. Do you think I am over dramatizing this? Please understand that I am not. Today is one of the saddest days of my life.

There are probably four days that I can mark in my life that I will never forget because it hurt me so much. The day that my grandmother died. The day that I got divorced from my 1st wife. And the day that I heard the judge say "the mother shall be the custodial parent and children shall reside with her. The father shall have visitation rights every other weekend and holidays." I was reduced to a part time father and all of my dreams, hopes, and aspirations were crushed. And today is the fourth day that I will mourn for as long I shall live. The day that I left my ex wife and the life that I created with her I had packed my car with every meager possession that I owned. I took my clothes, my car, and god damnit I had my comic books. Matter of fact my comic books were worth more than my car was then. My comic books are still worth more than the car I have today. They're worth more than the bicycles I depend on for transportation too. And anybody that knows me can attest to the fact that I spend a lot of money to maintain my bicycles, because I do rely so heavily on them for my health and transportation. You may take the liberty of comparing my relationship with comic books to that of a love affair. Because that is almost what its like for me, it has been an affair that is kind of secret but not really. However I've never educated anybody how deeply I love comic books. I was afraid that they would think that I was being childish and silly for being so obsessed. Every serious relationship I've been involved in since high school and that includes my ex wife and current marriage. I've concealed my abiding love affair with comic books. So that may give you some idea as to how long I've been collecting comic books and what they mean to me, every single one of them. Granted I do not collect like I once did, but I never really stopped our love affair.

I was of the age of 10, I may have been 12 years old. I remember the day so vividly and intimately when my love affair with comic books had begun. My first comic book, was resting on my lap that my mother had just purchased for me at the gift shop of a Seattle hospital. Earlier my mother wanted a bottle of Coca Cola to quench her thirst so we stopped at the gift shop. Little did I know my moment of destiny was going to be realized. As my mothers beverage and other items were being calculated my child eyes had rested upon the one comic book that has determined the events of my life to this very day. When I saw the printed media on the news stand I was entranced and needed to have it. I eagerly grabbed the magazine and I requested that my mother add it amongst her purchases. It was good thing that she complied because I was not going to accept no as an answer. After we had departed from the gift shop my mother and I were sitting in a waiting room anticipating the time when my name would be called for an EKG. My first grade teacher noticed that I would frequently be in a daze. After many doctor appointments and tests I was diagnosed with petty-maul Epilepsy. I was in the hospital that day for one of those numerous procedured. As I was looking through the pages of my new comic book I did not comprehend how so much excitement could be printed upon such the flimsy news print. The pages were leaping up at me and I could identify that a story was unfolding upon my lap. As I my small fingers were thumbing through the printed media I became unaware that there was world beyond the pages of my newly purchased comic book. It was as if everything had come to a complete halt and my tiny boy-hood ears did not register the octaves of the hospital transpiring all around me. It was as if everything in world had stopped and I could not take my eyes away from the pictures that were obviously conveying a story that had been preordained for me to see. My adolescent mind perceived that the events of my life had all been predestined and culminated to the day that I would be sitting in that Seattle hospital waiting room with mother and my comic book. I can still remember the title; it was Ghost Rider series one #3. Or it may have been Alpha Flight #19. I knew then that comic books would occupy a special place in my heart and mind. I was so secure in this knowledge that I knew nothing else would or could ever take its place or even compare. The magnitude to which comic books would enrich and enhance my life I was completely ignorant of.

What a cruel joke the powers that be had played upon me that day. I had my comic book nestled against my tiny lap and I was incapable of reading it. When I was a child my class mates taunted me relentlessly because I did not read very well. My mother refused to read my newly discovered passion that day and every day that proceeded. She always said to me that if I wanted to know what the words were in the bubbles, what the characters were saying, I had to read it for myself. I still have that 1st comic book that my mother purchased for me today. During the commute home I was completely engrossed in my comic book while my mother drove the 36 miles. I immediately retreated to the confines of my bedroom where I spent the remainder of that day sounding out the syllables in every bubble on all the panels and pages. It took me one long frustrating week to read my very 1^st comic book but I did read it eventually and I completed that task all on my own accord. I was informed by mother that if I wanted a new comic book I had to first demonstrate my newly discovered skills which I promptly did. My imagination was expanding as I received three or four new comic books at a time. I escaped to my bedroom which I imagined was my personal Bat Layer. My small mouth repeated the process again when I labored to construct the letters into words that were in the bubbles on all twenty of the pages that contained the elusive story. Over an extended period of time my reading skills improved and I raised my grades from D- to C+ and B-s. Unfortunately the frequent harassment my school mates visited upon me never ceased. After enduring those long days and constant bullying I was subjected to, I would nurture my blossoming relationship with comic books. My collection of printed media that I accrued did not match passionate affection I had for them. I could never bring myself to discard any of my comic books because they were my comic books and mine alone. My father would often trespass in my Bat Layer and take one of my comic books to read while he bathed. The thought of all that moisture collecting upon the pages of MY COMIC BOOKS filled me with rage. I was also jealous of anybody touching my comic books but me. One of the other many gifts I received from my love affair with comic books is that I became an artist myself. I was reading Conan the Barbarian one day while laying on my Bat Bed and as I turned one of the final pages I saw the most incredible pinup that my eyes had ever beheld. I inspected the amazing drawing closely and I was confident that I could draw it. I got a large piece of paper from somewhere and I set my mind to drawing that picture. Over time copied other pictures and my father purchased my 1st real drawing pencil for me that still I have inside of my art supplies today. I've worn it down to barely a nub that is slightly bigger than my 1st knuckle on pinky finger but I kept it. I traded those same drawings with my friends in the neighborhood for a brown bomber leather jacket that was too small for me. Later my friend’s parents saw the drawing and he got in trouble for having satanic pictures and they made him destroy one of 1st drawings (stupid fundies). My pictures that I copied from comic books were hung in my JR High School. The artist that I am today is the direct influence that comic books have had over my life.

Comic books provided me an entry way into separate world that Stan Lee or Bob Kane created. I could ride a silver surf board with the Silver Surfer and deny the will of the planet destroyer called Galactus. Or I could join Conan as he got drunk and womanized. Later when the worshiper of Crom sobered up I would join him as he cleaved the Devourer of Souls down the middle with a battle ax or with the sword of his dead father. When I wanted something on a slightly smaller scale I would join the Micronauts in an alien universe called Microverse and watch as they foiled the latest plan of Baron Karza. For my personal finale I would join Charles Xavier as he sat in his wheelchair and bravely led the X Men on mission to deliver humanity that despised all of mutant kind from a sinister plot that Magneto devised. Every news print page that I turned held either the salvation or the demise of the planet. The 20 page stories that unfolded in front of me were my 1st real love in life. The love affair I had with comic books was my one and only form of escapism that I had. The love I have for comic books is something that I've been nurturing and fostering my entire life. When the tantalizing story I was reading had concluded I knew it would be another 20 days before our flames would be rekindled. Next I would then retreated to the confines of my own alien world that I created with my own pencils and I was the lord over all I surveyed. I alone was god over the characters and landscapes that I sketched and I controlled the fate of everything. I still have those drawings and comic books that I drew and created as teenager.

I feel like I've betrayed my first love. I have a sense that my beloved is sharing our intimate moments right now that were once reserved for me. Those quite moments we spent late at night by the moonlight when nobody was watching us and it was school night and I supposed to be sleeping. I would carefully lick my finger tips with just enough moisture to turn the delicate pages so that I would not stain them or create a bend that would damage fragile newsprint. I am really jealous that somebody else is enjoying the pleasures those pages brought to me. I cannot help but to feel like I have a strong sense of ownership over that, like I have it patented.

So if you read all of that then maybe you’re willing to discover why I sold my beloveds today. My wife has sacrificed so much to make sure that I am going to get the help that I need to gain control of my life from AD/HD. I am not brining in an income and I want to contribute to our home as much as I can. I wanted to give something back to Jenny, and I had this opportunity to do it that for her. Selling some of my prized comic books was the very least that I could do for my wife who has sacrificed so much to make sure that I will get well. I am devoted to my rehabilitation and I am going to do absolutely anything that it takes to insure my success. The sacrifice that I made today and am going to do with the rest of my collection is necessary. This is a fact, SO BE IT.

So be it. I like that. I think that is going to be my new motto for my recovery. “Hey Shane what is needed for your rehabilitation? Anything that is required of me. SO BE IT.

Obama has “Yes We Can!”

I have SO BE IT. I think its kind of catchy in a way.

I just wish that sacrificing something you love a lot that means a lot to you, did not hur t s o incredibly much.

I am returning to Buddhism again.

2008-05-21T02:13:00.000-07:00

First let me start this blog journal entry off by stating that I am an ATHEIST. The word “atheist’ was all capitalized because I feel for the purposes of this post I establish right away my philosophical world view. I am very well educated to what that word “atheist” implies. Philosophy really is the art of thinking, and the word atheist simply means without a god or gods. I am not one of those atheists that are pissed off at my perception of god, or an angry ex-Christian. I’m also not one of those atheists that is undecided if there is a god or not. I can already see some of your mental gears and wheels turning in your heads. Yes it is true, I do not know if there are or is a Supreme Being that some people call God or Gods. I do not know if such an omnipotent and omniscience entity exists. “Well then Shane, mister know it all, that makes you an agnostic then. You’re not an atheist at all.” Like I said earlier in this paragraph I am knowledgeable to what the word “atheist” implies. I do not care whether or not a Supreme Being exists or not. This supposed all powerful entity or entities does not even do my laundry, pay my bills, or even cook for me. There is no evidence that a supernatural being has interjected or guided my existence in a divine what so ever. Because of those reasons I am left with the conclusion that there is no God or Gods. Thus I do not offer my allegiance or my devotion to any God or Gods. So by definition of the word atheist “without a God or Gods” I can be considered an atheist.

Now that that is out of the way let me get to topic of this thread.

The books that helped me the most are not necessarily self help books. The books I read are mostly philosophical in nature and science books. Books like Frederich Nietzsche, The Genealogy of Morals and Charles Darwin The Origin of Species and The Descent of Man. I read more contemporary science books as well. Authors like Stephen Jay Gould, The Structure of Evolutionary Theory, Ian Tattersal, The Fossil Trail, and Robert Broom, Getting Here. I also like reading about what our great American forefathers had to say so I read the memoirs of Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin. When I want something a little more on the lighter side I like to read science fiction. My favorite novels are Frank Herbert’s, Dune, Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451, and Philip K Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric sheep. All of those books have philosophical messages that the reader can really gain insight from about life in general.

Because I had suffered from a very poor self esteem I felt a profound need to expand upon my knowledge. I completed reading philosophical books like The Genealogy of Morals and The Art of War. Next I added science books to personal library and when I finished reading them I had learned a lot, and yet I was also left with what seemed to me like very profound questions. So it was at that juncture in my life that I felt an uncontrollable need to discover what my place in this world was. Who are we? Why are we the only sentient species inhabiting this third rock from the sun ? What is our purpose in life? What is life all about? Why are we here?

I wanted to become more intelligent because I drastically needed to build upon my self image. However at that point in my life the quest that I had embarked upon seemed to like it had ended at an impasse. I arrived at an intellectual fork in the road. One road would yield more knowledge and education that I desired but it did not even attempt to answer the more interesting questions I had. Then there was other road that did offer some explanations to the inquiries I had at that time. However these supposed solutions were purely speculative, hardly even hypothetical in nature, and in no way based in real science or research.

Let me set another record straight that I am a huge skeptic. I do not accept something as a fact until that which is in question can be empirically confirmed. If claims cannot be verified by scientific research I do not place my confident s or trust in them.

So I decided that the questions I needed answered may be found metaphysical philosophy. Siddhartha, the founding father of modern day Buddhism said a lot of very fascinating things. He taught the Eight Fold Path and the Four Noble Truths. Learning the philosophy of the Buddha offered me a way of thinking, and more importantly a way of life. Buddha espoused that all of us, everything in this world, and even our galaxy is transitory. Because all sentient beings and all things have a temporary nature, it is imperative that their time be spent maximizing their existence. Simply stated, this is the only life we're ever going to have, so you better make the best of it.

Buddhism enriched my life and gave me purpose. Becoming a pupil of the Buddha offered solutions to all of those very interesting questions that we all have. My purpose in life is to be the best me that I can possibly be. I learned that practicing acts of compassion we not only help those we're assisting we ultimately end up enriching our own lives. Mankind should not be charitable towards our fellow man for promises of rewards; instead men and women should assist one another for goodness sake alone. That act of kindness would then leave the benefactor free of debt and allow them to have the capacity to repeat the same process to those who are in need as well.

At one point in my life those were my reading habits and what I had learned, and that is how my life was enriched. It was at that time that I started attending a monastery and I became pupil of the philosophy of the Buddha. I took refuge in the Buddha and Sangha and according Buddhism I was considered a Buddhist. I devoted my life to the teachings of the Buddha and it was not until I acted upon the knowledge that I gained that I acquired an education about my purpose in life.

Last night my wife and I went to the grocery store to get dinner. While we were leaving I saw these statuettes of the Buddha in the garden center. Well actually they were not the Buddha, they were Hoatia. They laughing fat guy most people associate as the Buddha is not Siddartha. That is not important right now for the purpose of this entry. I commented to Jen that I liked those figurines and that I wanted one of them. It was while we were going down the elevator that remembered everything that Buddhist philosophy did for me. How Buddhism both enriched and enhanced my life. It occurred to me that that way of living must be a lifestyle choice for me again. I knew how was going to recover from the devastation that AD/HD caused in my life. I am so confident in my decision that not following through with my plans will never be a viable option. The tools Buddhist philosophy can offer me are going will play an intricate role in my rehabilitation. I feel a PROFOUND need to return Buddhism. I believe that this is going to be a FUNDAMENTALLY important to my recovery and ultimately my rehabilitation. My mind is made up, I am going to do this.

When I was at a very unhappy point in my life, I was also the most at peace. I was working in a warehouse that I profoundly disliked. I had to get up at 4:15 AM so that I may catch the bus and start my commute. After spending two hours on two separate busses, I would then walk two miles just to get to work. Then while I was working I had to endure the abuse of my superior who was a very negative and unhappy woman. This person had no right being in the position of power over employees because she did not even know correct procedures while searching their personal belongings that she suspected of theft. One day she assumed that I had placed company property in my backpack and she proceeded to inspect my baggage in front of my entire department and coworkers.

I continued getting up in the early AM hours every day, I walked the two miles every day, and I did abide the horrible working conditions every day. I did all of that because to a certain degree that AD/HD would allow my mind was at peace. Buddhism offered me a way to not be at odds while engaged in an environment that was very negative. Buddhism empowered me; it allowed me to be in a peaceful state of mind. I need to return to that philosophy once again. I must go back to a way of living that can give me the tools needed to rehabilitate and gain control over all the dysfunction that AD/HD and my destructive habits caused.

I said earlier on in this blog that I am an atheist and that I am a huge skeptic. Those two facts have not changed at all. Buddhism does not make claims that a Supreme Being exists. Any demi-gods that Buddhism says exists are extensions of our own selves. Buddhism teaches that universal karmic law is a fact and that we all have had past lives. Perhaps karma is true and maybe I was a slug, duck, or the queen of Sheba in a past life. It would be wonderful to have the chance to eat chocolate again, have sex again, love the people closest to me again, and fall in love with my wife all over again. It is my fondest hopes and desires that everything that I just said above is all true. The word “hopes” does not mean “faith” the two words are the exact polar opposite from each other. I do not live my life by faith but by trust and confidence. I do not have faith that the ignition key on my vehicle will work because I conducted, observed, and repeated that process many time.

Everything, this whole entire long post is leading up to this moment. I AM GOING TO BECOME A BUDDHIST AGAIN! That does not mean I will wear robes. It does mean I am going to attend a monastery again. It does not mean I will shave my head, and if I do its not because I am a Buddhist. It does not mean I am no longer an atheist and it does not mean I am no longer a skeptic. It does mean I am returning to a way of life that brought me happiness, clarity, and peace of mind. I need this in my life now more than ever before.

Like Kevin.

2008-05-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

It’s not really difficult for me to say who my closest and dearest friend is in this world. That person is my wife of course. That is not a cliché patented answer, it’s the truth. Other than my wife my closest and dearest friend in this world is also a woman named Shellie. I was given the privileged honor of being considered as one her friends while living in Tacoma WA 5 years ago (five years! It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long.) Since that Shellie moved to Seattle, married, and is now pregnant (due July 8th) to a wonderful person whom I talked about before. His name is Kevin and today I am going to dedicate this part of my journal to him.

Webster defines Character:
3. The inherent complex of attributes that determine a persons moral and ethical actions and reactions: "education has for its object the formation of character"- Herbert Spencer.

I felt that it was pertinent that I establish that definition first before I attempted to describe Kevin. I say that because he is a man that is not in any way shape or form transparent. He is a very complex person that has many different layers that comprise his personhood. Which isn’t surprising to me at all because his wife (Shellie) is as equally complex.

Yesterday I helped my good friend Shellie and her

husband move, and today I really feel it in my arms.

It was hot and everybody got really sweaty. As you

can see in these videos and photos. Mason whom I just

met yesterday worked his off, well we all did, but man did he work.

Kevin stacked nearly the entire inside of that truck himself.

We carried all the boxes to him, but he stacked nearly all of

it himself. We all helped with the big stuff though. Shellie is

8 months pregnant and she was made to sit down and just

put her feet up. I did not take any photos or videos of her.

First I would have to say that Kevin is a man that has the strength of his character. There are so many positive attributes to his character; I find it very difficult to list them all. Kevin’s sense of morality is very well matched his perception of justice. His ethical codes of conduct are woven into individuality to the point that they cannot be dissected. It begs repeating again that it’s not surprising to me at all that Shellie married him.

KEVIN FEELS! I typed that all in capitals and in bold print because I want the reader to understand what I am trying to illustrate with words. I do not mean to sound like a broken record, but Kevin’s emotions, his feelings, are very complex to describe. Kevin is in touch with his emotions on a very deep and personal level, which makes him very. He feels absolutely everything. Kevin's compassion for the people closest to him is only matched by his love for them. Matter of fact I believe that these two emotions alone overwhelm him on a monumental level at times. My friends love for life brings excitement and joy to all that come into contact with him. One does meet Kevin, they encounter Kevin.

When Kevin confronts obstacles, situations, and problems he is very methodical is his plan of execution. Most people go about accomplishing a task with some idea how they are going to complete it. Not Kevin! He is like a grand chess player where every move is already carefully planned out. When Kevin goes about accomplishing his goals, he does so with iron willed determination. He will not be detoured from his plan, and the word “can’t” is not a part of his vocabulary. On that thought I have to add one more thing my friend. Like everything else, Kevin Feels! He feels situations, problems, and obstacles, which makes it all very personal for him.

This video of this pond was dug out by hands

and sweat. Shellie likes to joke around that the

pond nearly divorced her and Kevin. But very

amazing to look at.

This pond really is a testament to how hard the two

of them work. They deserve all of the happiness

that they can get.

Not everybody who Kevin ask ed to help
him move showed up. Those that did show
up he was very thankful for.

People like his JR high sweetheart with the dark hair.

Kevin asked that I go around and take pictures of everybody.
He jokingly requested that I get pictures of the girls kissing.

So here they are Kevin, locking lips. I am
joking. That picture isn't even them.

I am really going to miss this house that Kevin and Shellie

lived in.I used to bicycle to there house rain or shine.

We had many BBQ’s in their back yard. We walked to the

beach on the 4^th of July.(sigh) Sad.

Here is a picture of sweaty hard working Mason.

That Guy is not afraid of hard work at all. I was very, very,

happy that Mason was there to help Kevin. Because I would

have had to help Kevin do some of that heavy lifting. I mean I

did my fair share, but the huge ass stuff they did,

Kevin is a man that can apply himself to any situation and evolve. When he is confronted with a crisis his adaptable nature enables him to persevere. Kevin is the kind of person that is capable of learning everything and anything he wants. I have never seen him not finish something, or complete that which he set out to accomplish. When I first met Kevin he was working in a paint shop, making $12.00 an hour. After he married Shellie he entered into an electrician’s apprenticeship program. He is now making $25.00 an hour and has two years left on his apprenticeship program before he will become a Journey Men. The complex mathematical equations he is learning is absolutely amazing to me.

I never felt like I had to earn the honor of being considered Kevin’s friend. That is exactly how I feel about his friendship too, that it is a privileged honor. I feel that way about all my close friends, but especially so with Kevin. When I am around Kevin I have a feeling like I am in the club. I’m not talking about just any ordinary club either, NO! When we’re together I feel like he is making a part of The Fucking Club Man. Like he is one of those guys. He truly is the prime example of a real mans man. He is not a snob either, he doesn’t believe in classism, and he does not have an elitist personality. However everything that I just said above, I know that those he considers as his closest friends, he didn’t just give that friendship away. The kind companionship that he feels, the close brotherhood he offers to his closest friends. That is not something he just offers to anybody. For Kevin to make that kind of emotional investment in somebody they would need to be very special.

Kevin suggested that he should take the scenic route out West

Seattle to prevent from going down hills and shifting the load.

So Kevin, Mason, and me we’re all riding down this beach in along

Alki in the moving truck. There were a whole lot of bikinis on the

beach and we were verythankful Kevin decided to take that route.

At one point Mason got out of the truck and got us all free
ice cold energy drinks, which we all consumed much later.

Here are some photos of Kevin and Shellie’s new home.

I am very happy for the two of them.

They both deserve, especially Shellie, all the

happiness that they can get.

After the long hot day we all finally got Kevin and

Shellie moved. We could not wait to get the rental

truck returned and go home. At least I got to go

home and relax. Kevin still had to unpack.

Kevin and I get to the moving company and we could

not believe it. The gates were locked and his was inside.

Kevin handled it very well. He politely called the company

corporate head offices and they contacted the manager who

in return called Kevin and we got the truck inside and Kevin

drove me home.

If there was just one person in this world that I would want to be, that individual would be Kevin. If I was Kevin I would be smart and good looking. Which two great attributes to have. If I were him I would then have a huge affinity for life and infect other people with it. If I was Kevin I would have the uncanny ability to adapt. I could make people feel like that they are a part of something special by just being around me. I would make people feel like that they are in THE FUCKING CLUB MAN! If I were Kevin I would be able to work and succeed, and not work at failing all the time. If I were Kevin I would have a wonderful house and great big fucking dog. I am not saying all of that to put myself down. I’m just saying it because it’s the truth. I wish I was like my best friend Kevin.

I felt like a huge asshole yesterday because when we got to Kevin’s new home I went around investigating it for the 1st time. I proceeded down stairs where there is practically another whole entire living unit and I saw his wife sitting on a bed with her feet propped up. I went looking around the huge down stairs, stared out one of the window at their nice back yard, and I started crying. I’m such an asshole. Here I am crying in front of this 8 month pregnant woman, on what should be one of the happiest moments in her life.

I was crying partially because I was happy for her. I mean she has worked so hard to succeed and get that house life. She has finally done that. She has a wonderful husband and a wonderful house. She deserves to be happy. I was also crying for myself, because I had a plan for my life too. Except the plan I had did not include having to work and fail at every job I ever had. It included working hard, and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

I find it increasingly difficult to believe people when they say that I am smart. I don not feel smart at all. I mean it too; I am not saying that just to get attention. Anybody that knows me can attest to that fact. Since I was 20 years old I’ve never been capable of maintaining employment for longer than 6 months. If I could keep a job longer than that I was extremely fortunate. It did not matter how hard worked or tried either. I could not learn fast enough to keep a job. So when people tell me that I am not stupid, or I am one of the smartest people they know. I feel like they are either trying to make me feel good about myself or they do not know me very well.

I’m being brutally honest about myself here. I want to be totally transparent on this journal. I cannot help but to feel that way about myself. My entire life I’ve been beat down time after time AFTER TIME! It never mattered how hard I studied or how much I applied myself I always failed. I wanted and did my absolute best to be different and I just could not change.

I do not know how feel differently about myself.

I AM NOT CRAZY! Really I'm not.

2008-05-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

I had another appointment with DVR today and presented my vocational decision to my counselor. Both my psychiatrist and my DVR counselor feel that I have made a good decision. I have decided that because I am in excellent physical condition, I should probably take full of advantage of that fact. I decided that I am going to pursue a career as a physical fitness trainer. The credentials required to become a trainer are not that extensive. If my new brain serving me adequately I believe the certification process is only 6 months. I have interpersonal communication skills already. I am very comfortable talking to a large group of people, I am persuasive, I am extroverted and I know how to sell. Plus I am in the physically fit. Being physical fitness trainer would release me free from the confines of a desk and relieve me of the mental tasks required to be competent in that kind of environment.

Blogger yet again loads so damned slow. Youtube loads so much faster

What is going to happen next is that D.V.R wants me to be evaluated by their own psychologist. They want to be sure my disability is not so severe that I could not complete my training.. Which is very understandable I am just not overly excited about talking yet again to another doctor about my symptoms and the anguish I had to endure for the last 36 years.

I AM NOT CRAZY!

Really I am not going insane, I do not hear voices. I talked a little about how I have decided to give my AD/HD a personality. I am talking to him more now. Not like extended conversations. It’s more or less me telling him to shut up.

You see now that I am not having such a hard time focusing and concentrating, that void is being filled with negative thoughts. However these are not quiet, they’re loud inside my mind. The voice that I hear inside my mind is my own, when I have negative thoughts. It’s not an audible voice, its internal, inside my mind. I want to make that very clear

The other day when I was going to DVR there is this rather long hill. I was going up the hill with little effort and I was feeling good. There was a time when I would never have been capable of achieving such athleticism. Any AD/HD spoke up inside my head and said ‘see Shane, I gave this to you. Why do you want to get rid of me?” I ignored the thought and just kept riding. The question was repeated, and I said shut up. Then AD/HD said no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work, I will always be with you until we die.

THEN THIS IS WHAT I THINK IS REALLY FUNNY. Are there any more imperfections that want to take up residency in mind?

Another voice came up to my mind and said. ‘Don’t forget me Shane, I am going to be with you too. FOREVER! It was my love handles. I am fit and thin now, but I will never be able to get rid of my love handles. I told my wife “Jen is like they are taunting me, making fun of me. See no matter how hard you work Shane, no mater how long you exercise. I will always be here.

DVR, starting vocational rehabilitation.

2008-05-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

Hello friends.

As some of you may know I have been diagnosed with severe AD/HD and I am currently disabled. Today I had my 1st appointment with D.V.R (department of vocational rehabilitation). I believe that everything is very positive, I feel good about my counselor, and the direction which she guiding everything thus far.

All of the rehabilitation I am going to be undergoing won't do me much good if I cannot learn to manage my daily activities. I do not have basic life skills, I am incapable of surviving on my own right now. From the moment I got up in the morning in the mornings for 36 years, my mind has been assaulted with so many different thoughts and ideas. I was not able and I cannot filter or decipher the overwhelming amount of stimuli and information that my brain receives. For 36 years I've been reacting to impulsive behavior because for the most part I was incapable of thinking about consequences long enough to moderate my actions. So for 36 years I created dysfunction and chaos all around me. In the wake of all that insanity I never learned how to live, how to survive. I mean I never even learned how to wash my own clothes.

D.V.R is providing me with a Independent Living Counselor. This person is going to come to my home and, and...well. teach me how to live. I've already briefly met with this individual and I am very excited about finally learning how to live. The prospect of being educated on how to balance a check book and expenses, its all too much. I am very giddy about all of this. When I started take my medication I tried to sit down and write a schedule that I thought I could follow while I am rehabilitating. However though I am medicated, I just could not focus long enough to think of everything. Having somebody else who can help me achieve that task is going to be so wonderful.

I am also very upset and depressed, about all of this as well. I mean I am 36 years old, I do not have a career, and I am incapable of maintaining employment. In addition to not having a vocation or having capacity to keep a job. In the 36 years that I've been sentient and bipedal, in all that time I never once acquired basic life living skills. If I was left to my own devices tomorrow, I would not know how to survive.

If one word could sum up my existence right now, my personhood, my individuality, can be described as pathetic. I am the institution from which all other think-tanks derive their definition from for how pathetic something or someone is. I know how I must sound right now, and I apologize. If you can, try to imagine yourself as tremendously relieved and at the same time extremely depressed. To complicate things more add hope and excitement to that emotional gambit. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster right now.

I've made my decision on what vocation i would like pursue, no it is not going to be art. However I am positive that I am making a good decision.

Shane

I do not have the answers.

2008-05-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve been getting a lot of emails from mothers, fathers, and wives of people who have AD/HD. And even some people who have it themselves. People asking me for advice, what they can do to help themselves or somebody they care about.

(Freaking Blogger is really pissing me off. I can load this very same video on YouTube a lot faster than it loads on Blogger. And I started uploading on Blogger 1st.)

The truth is is that I do not know, I do not have the answers. I only know what worked for me and how I came to terms with my affliction. I cannot give anybody advice because I barely know myself.

So my best advice for anybody asking what they can do for themselves or somebody they care about. Find a psychiatrist and get on medication.

I start my vocational rehabilitation tomorrow. I am excited about that.

I've suffered enough

2008-05-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have finally made a real breath through, I have come to the place in my life where I have come to terms with having severe AD/HD.

It seems like; well at least for me it was this way. I was diagnosed with disabling AD/HD and then I became seriously depressed. Then I entered into an acceptance faze. Then finally I needed to transition into accepting terms with having AD/HD and being disabled. This I discovered was very difficult for me. I did want to be disabled; I have no desire to be like this. I had a plan for my life, and it did not include having severe AD/HD and being disabled. I want what normal people take for granted. Which is the ability to perform their chosen vocation, and maintain active employment.

So coming to terms with having AD/HD has been very difficult for me. I looked for everything else that defined me and said to myself “see AD/HD is not defining you. You are an artist that happens to have AD/HD.” I was just avoiding having to come to terms with my disability, dealing with all of this. Who am I kidding? AD/HD does define who I am.

When I was a child I had a very difficult time learning how to reading. Then my mother purchased comic books for me, and I learned how to read. Then I noticed all of the pictures in these comic books and decided that I could draw like that too. Thus I became an artist.

My teachers and some adults all said that I was stupid and would never amount to anything. So I decided to prove them all wrong and work harder than anybody else in my office. Every job I lost, I worked that much harder on the next job. I developed iron will character.

Because of my AD/HD I cannot drive. Well actually I can drive, I just choose not to do so because I am incapable of paying attention to traffic and the road. I hate taking public transportation so I decided to bicycle everywhere I go. Thus I became an accomplished bicyclist.

The person I am today is because of the trials and tribulations of my past. I am defined by my life lessons. I am an individual that has the strength and fortitude of their character, BECAUSE of AD/HD. I need to embrace who I am and be proud of every aspect of my personhood. There are not a lot of people in this world who can say the same things about themselves.

The only thing that has changed about me is that I am finally diagnosed and aware of the fact that I have disabling AD/HD and that is it. This means I may not have to work so hard at failing anymore. My life may become easier to manage for me now. Plus I am still the individual that lost 100 lbs. I am still a man that has the strength and fortitude of his character.

So I went on a bicycle ride 4:00 AM this morning and I finally came to terms with my disability. Go to my Blog www.mytopdrawer01.blogspot.com and watch my videos. I took some amazing videos all over Seattle.

I actually woke up before 4:00 AM and I could not get back to sleep. I had a million thoughts going through my mind and I could not focus on any of them. I was just feeling sorry for myself because I am disabled. So I decided to get up and go bicycling. When I am bicycling my thoughts slow down enough that I am capable of focusing and ultimately concentrating. It’s the only time that when things make the most sense to me.

I raced up this one hill by my house and when I reached the top I laughed to myself and thought “haha, who else can do that.” And then I realized that I have this fitness because of AD/HD.

(There is a video there...)

(Just play it....)

I finally realized that I needed to embrace everything that contributed to the man I am today. I saw the statue below again, but this time in the darkness of the morning, it had a whole new meaning for me.

My entire life was and is defined by my willingness to take on any challenge head on, and do what ever needed to be done to over come any and all obstacles. Like the vikings, I too had to fight harder than anybody else just to gain what little measure of success I achieved.

I suppose it is the artist in me that looks for visual representations of to describe how I feel.

Which is why when I saw this bridge shrouded in darkness in morning, I needed to stop and just take the moment in.

I never intended for this blog to become another bicycling journal. I created these online chronicles to record my rehabilitation with AD/HD.

However I believe that it is very fitting that I discovered my epiphany, my defining moment, while riding on my bicycle.

I can't imagine a better time then while doing one of the things that defines me the most.

For those of you that do not know where that hill is below. Its a hill in Seattle that is called Stone Way hill. It is exactly one mile long and it is rather steep.

I can now ride up this on my bicycle, standing erect on my pedals, and never stopping once. Plus it is not even that hard for me any more. There was a time when it was extremely difficult for me to ride up that hill. But now, because of AD/HD I have the fitness to do, what most people will never attempt to accomplish.

AD/HD has defined my life, molded me into the man that I am very proud to be. I embrace who I am and what I am. That includes having ADHD.

I finally saw the sunrise and that just helped to bring everything together for me.

I think this really has to be one of my best moments in my life. I finally worked myself out, came to terms with my disability and being disabled.

However there is just one more thing that I must do.

Time to clean and organize my top dresser drawer.

I've been putting this off for a while, I just didn't want to organize my drawer. It seems like such a stupid and insignificant thing. But keeping this drawer a scattered mess was a representation of my old self. Now that I have come to terms with my disability and I am looking forward to the future. It is time that I organize my drawer too.

I am not trying to give the impression I will not be blogging anymore, because that is not the case. I still have D.V.R to go through and I still have a lot of work to do. Its just that I have finally come to a place with myself that I am at more peace with myself. I have suffered enough, it is time to take this sinking ship and move on.

This song means so much to me now, this song helped me to move on, come to terms with my AD/HD and my disability. 05/17/08

The world is just a click away.

2008-05-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Since I’ve been properly medicated I am capable of retaining so much more knowledge. In my quest to become more educated I’ve been learning computer programs and stuff like that.

Its amazing to me what one can do on the internet today. Just yesterday I watching TV in Iraq. Then I wanted to see what traffic was like. Then I wanted to know what the weather was like in Seattle. Then my wife wanted to order pizza. Later that night we sold our a mini trampoline and a printer.

We did all of this by just tapping our fingers on a mouse, and moving our hand two inches to the right and two inches to left. We brought the world to us, and never before in the history of mankind has anybody ever been able to do that, bring the world to us.

I am so happy that I am properly medicated now, that I am able to learn these things. Because before I never had the patients to learn new computer programs. I stuck with the old Yahoo program for so long because I knew it, and I just did not have the patients to learn a new program because it was so hard for me to pay attention. Now that I can learn better, and pay attention, I have a lot more patients.

Wives Thank you

2008-05-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

Having technology is so wonderful. I have my cell phone linked up to my Outlook now, which is really helpful. First thing I do when I get up in the morning besides go to the bathroom is check my phone for messages. One of the first things I see is a reminder of what I need to get done. Having AD/HD that is really helpful.

However it has also proved to be a huge distraction. I have my cell phone also linked to my email, and every time that I get a message my phone chimes. So while I am performing what ever task needs to be done, my phone is distracting me.

Speaking of distracting emails. The emails I am receiving has been from a lot of people who have visited my blog because they have seen my posts in the forums. Thank you, it really does mean a lot to me. I understand what you’re going through.

For those of you who have loved ones and significant others with AD/HD I am so, so, sorry. Especially you wives who are so very patient your husbands, I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

TO ALL OF THE WIVES…..THANK YOU!

It is because of my wife that I finally got the help that I desperately needed. Had it not been for her support, her love, and her patients I do not know what or where I would be today? I would probably be in another job desperately trying to do a good job. Working harder then all of my coworkers, and causing more problems than all of them put together.

You wives are our strengths and our pillars. You wives are what keep us men strong when we are feeling weak and defeated. If your husbands are not acknowledging that fact and telling you thank you, I’ll say thank you for them. THANK YOU.

I love my wife.

"Advance Settings" does not mean that you check it.

2008-05-04T04:42:00.000-07:00

When a setting on technology says "Advance Settings" it does not mean that ones needs to check that.

Especially if that area states "Advanced Network Settings."

I was synching my phone with my Outlook, the very cell phone that I use to video blog with. Everything was working wonderfully and I saw an area that I did not populate. So I thought "advanced setting, why not. I am connected to a network." Thinking that our internet connection is a "network" too.

After 4 hours, FOUR FREAKING HOURS!!!! Trying to figure out why it was not connecting with Outlook, my intelligent wife looks at everything and corrected my mistake. Of course I felt like a dumbass after she explained to me why it was not working.

Friends

2008-05-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

Hey Paul

So if you see this, we need to get together and go bicycling. Right now more than ever I could really use the companionship. I could really use your encouragement and support.

For those of you who don’t know who I am talking about. That’s O.K. Paul is the kind of guy that doesn’t like to be in the spotlight. However that being said, Paul is one of the greatest guys that I know.

Also, Paul. I promise that I won’t yell at people when we go bicycle together. I am no longer a slave to my impulse and I have a lot more patience now.

I made a quick video of that faucet for two reasons. I want to look back on that moment and laugh at myself.

I could not get that water to turn off. And what you did not see was me throwing a complete fit. (Sigh) I’ll take not patience because more than learning how to control my irritability, and temper. This medication seems to amplify all my emotions.

So I was up all last night because I took my medication too late.

I finally got to sleep at 6:00 AM, woke up at noon, and my whole day was lost. I didn’t go bicycling today, which is very important to me. How pitiful am I? I did not remember to eat today. Who has to remember to eat. I have not eaten anything all day today, and it is 6:28 PM. My daily schedule was all screwed up, and on top of all of that, I can’t remember to eat because I have no appetite. If one does not have an appetite how can they remember to eat?

I started another video blog on Youtube today.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LeesShane

It’s basically going to be the same thing as this blog but without the text. I am not going to make additional videos for Youtube.

I’m going bicycling tomorrow early. I am going to ride 45 miles and then come home and help my wife organize the devastation I caused over the last 5 years. We’re cleaning and organizing our house.

Psychiatrist Appointment Today.

2008-05-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

I had a psychiatrist appointment today which went very well. I am getting better, which is wonderful news. I am able to concentrate more and focus as well. My wife attended my session with me today.

Afterwards I felt very good about the appointment and talked about a little. I like to use windows that show my reflection when making my videos.

I know I wanted to add something else how everything went.

But sometimes even medicated I get distracted and forget what I wanted convey.

Getting Back To Good

2008-04-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

I decided that I am going to make this Blog unlike my last one, as interactive as I can for my few readers.

Today I decided was going to be a day of therapy for me. Today was all about getting back to me, connecting with me, getting back to good. There are so many aspects that define me and I haven’t connected with any of those things in a real long time.

Wendy is a very good friend of mine she has gone bicycling with me a few times and has been a very good friend to me. You can visit her website and discover what kind of a wonderful person she is for yourself.

http://wendita.com/index.php

I feel very fortunate and privileged that she considers me a friend. Click on the video below and see what she did for me.

Dave’s Killer Bread. Click on the video and discover the kind of bread that Dave makes

So if Dave can get his life back together after being in prison for 15 years, then why can’t I get myself together too?

I’ve slacked off on bicycling for the last two weeks. Not to say that I haven’t bicycled, just not as much. I was happy to discover that I hadn’t lost any fitness. I wanted to show how I prepare to go bicycling and talk a little about the things that make up me.

That bicycle is one of my favorite bicycles I ever had. I’m just showing my drawing pad why I love to draw.

Ever since I lost my last job I feel like I am washed out, that my life is washed out. I’m talking about when I was a customer service rep for a porn company. Not the stupid warehouse job that I lost. But even that job I could not keep. I mean I got fired from that job even. Because that job required me to concentrate and focus fast, and I have to pay attention to everything that I read when. So even that job and I could not keep. So not only was that a cool place to record a short video, it was great way talk in metaphors and get my feelings out. Because after all today was a therapy day for me.

So if anything, do click on the video below, the washed out road is really cool.

This is a cool video of me recording myself in the reflections of long widows riding my bicycle and through the park. I always wanted to make a video of me riding my bicycle like you would discover on Youtube.com. So this is kind of like that.

Cool video of Lief Erikson, I am assuming you know who Lief was right? This video is a very cool statue of him. I spent an hour drawing that statue today. It was the 1^st time I’ve drawn in a year. Was great therapy for me.

I am no longer as depressed as I once was. I just hope that people can read my Blog and listen to these videos and understand what it is like for people who have severe disabling AD/HD. I explain a lot of things about myself, and really talk about my feelings a lot in this video.

After I got home I made the rest of these videos. I feel like I made a real break through today, that I really connected with myself. I need to discover how I am going to become productive again and rejoin the work force successfully. However I am going to get through my rehabilitation, I need to figure that out.

When I decided to lose 100 pounds there was a defining moment for me. There was second in time where I decided that nothing or anybody was going to keep me from my goal. I did not care what it took, how I was going to do it, I just knew that I was going to achieve my goal

Today was all about finding that defining moment, rediscovering me. Getting back to those aspects that make up my personhood, and discovering that inner fortitude to accomplish what I need to do to get well.

I decided to add this very last video because I just did not like the way I was going to end this blogisode.

So I made this one which I think ends things nicely. But I'll end this journal entree with something even better.

Regardless of how one may feel about Pop Music, this song says so much, explains a lot how I feel.

"Everyone gets caught up in the pressure of the pain."

Matchbox Twenty "Back To Good."

Really frustrating day for me.

2008-04-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

That image really says it all, which is how I felt all day.

So I spent most of the day unmedicated today. Last week I was taking my medicine and for the 1^st time in my life I experienced real relief. Words cannot describe what it is like for me. One week I can hardly think or focus on anything and then the following week I have a new brain. My wife is supportive of me becoming more organized. She wants our house to be more organized as well so I was working on that all day.

However I ran out of medication today. Click on the video below to discover what my day was like.

One would think that pharmacies would have enough of this kind medication in supply. I mean I cannot be the only person in Seattle that is taking Adderall.

What Top Drawer Is All About.

2008-04-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

My name is Shane and you're looking at my AD/HD rehabilitation journal.

So I think you may be asking yourself what is Top_Drawer all about anyway?

Below is an actual picture of my top dresser drawer. If you look close you could see that I have a neck tie stuffed in there

Upon closer look one could see that there are also two different types of underarm deoderants in there. There is also scented oil, bicycle intertubes, and an Ipod charger.

I decided to scatter the contents of my drawer on the floor so people could get a better visual. There are gloves in that mess, batteries, a belt, and a sock. What am I going to do with single sock? I have no clue. There are shades down there, a note pad, black liquorices Altoids, and Adderall which is my AD/HD medication.

I am going to ask you to take a moment please and gaze further into that mess. Discover that which is not easily detected. If you're complying with my request you would then you may realize what it is like to live inside my head. My mind is a disjointed, scattered, and enormously messy.

Normal people utilize the top drawer to store their underware and socks. However I’ve never been capable of defining myself as a normal person. I cannot pay attention to where I set items down long enough to recall later where they're stored. Things like shades, belts, underarm deoderant, and Altoids. So instead of searching aimlessly for these elusive itmes I decided a good solution would be to just stuff everything in my

"TOP_DRAWER."

"This is me, yes I am a little upset. I just started taking my medication and the side effects causes irritability."

Normal people do not conduct themselves like that. Normal people can keep track of where they place their Altoids, or Ipod charger. I wish that I could be considered as normal too.

"The picture above are my friends celebrating the fact that I had lost 100 pounds. Yes I used to be 100 pounds over weight. I can transform my body by force of will and hard work. However I cannot use those same principles to evolve my mind."

After I was diagnosed with severe and disabling AD/HD it was like being struck with a sledge hammer. I do not want to be disabled. However it was also a relief.

I wish I could explain to people what it is like to live in my head. How painful it is for me to work so hard and never achieve success. Do you know how humiliating it is for me to come home and face my wife with the news that I had lost another job? Can you imagine telling your significant other four to five times a year that you had lost yet again another job. I do. I know what that is like.

I would tell my wife that I would just get another job and work even harder at that job. I did do that too. I worked harder than my coworkers and out performed my entire department. I was aware that I had AD/HD, I just convinced myself that I was not going to let that fact prevent me from being successful. Inevitably my superiors would all terminate my employment because I was guilty of making so many mistakes. I've since then been enlightened to the fact that if hard work alone could do away with AD/HD nobody would have it. One cannot by force of will do away with a neurological disorder.

I want what other normal people desire out of life. I want to pursue that which contributes to my own happiness. I want to work and contribute to my household. I want to make my wife proud of me, because right now I don't believe that she is. I do not want to feel stupid and worthless all the time. But most of all I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. My psychiatrist believes that I can make a full recovery and reclaim my life. My symptoms will never fully disapear, but they will become more manageable. However I will never be normal and I just have to learn how to accept that fact.

Watch the video and get kind of an idea what it is like to live in my head.

Now that I am properly medicated my wife and I are cleaning up and organizing our house. This is just a piece of the work we have to do so far."

April 7 I went to D.V.R (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) to discover if I could qualify for services. When a person applies for aide from DVR a case counselor will evaluate the severity of the applicants' disability and determine the appropriate designation. My disability warranted that my case should be classified as category one. Which meant my case will be considered as a high priority. Next Month on the 14th my vocational rehabilitation will begin.

Yesterday during my session with my psychiatrist I told her that I've experienced real relief that for the 1st time in my life. I informed that I can finally focus and concentrate without great effort. She told me that she believes that I am properly medicated. Being properly medicated is only a part of the process on the road to rehabilitation. The other part is learning to adopt positive behavior. I need to train myself how to become organized and that task is so overwhelming and incredibly difficult for me. Right now as I am writing this for my blog it is 11:23 in the morning and I haven't eaten breakfast yet. Not having an appetite is one of the side effects of the medication I am taking.

I am properly medicated now and the symptoms of my AD/HD are not so intense for me, I have begun the process rehabilitation. I am going to get my life under control. I wish I could say that I am going to get my life "BACK" under control. The truth of the matter is that my life has never been under control. Its my goal to become a productive member of society.

I am making this blog both as therapy and to chronicle my rehabilitation process. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. losing 100 pounds is easier than it is going to be rehabilitating the way I think and live. My entire life I conducted myself like a devestating train wreck. For the 1st time in my life I have my mind under control. Now that I can think clearly I need to educate myself how to operate as a thinking entity. I do not know to act now that I am not a slave to impulse all the time.

This is going to a long and dificult journey. I am positive that I will be able to accomplish my goal of becoming productive. I am sure I'll be able to achieve success too. However nothing I've done thus far in life has compared to how important this is going to be.

Writing in this blog is on my master list of things to do daily. Please check back and see how my progess is coming along.