Endure

I do not know what else I am supposed to do. More than anything else in this world I want the love and devotion of my children. I’ve done everything in my power to encourage that too. However with the lies and manipulation of their mother, she has encouraged nothing but resentment and discontent of me in my children. She will never let a chance slip by her when she has the opportunity to say everything negative about me that she can. No matter how minuscule and an unrelated to the topic at hand, if she can tell somebody that will listen, she will indulge them about what kind of piece of shit I am. Compounded with the fact that I am incapable of paying child support at this current juncture in my life only proves to feed her ever increasing hatred of me. Even when I am paying child support regularly she is never happy. My ex-wife is a person that thrives in an environment where she can be the catalyst of negativity. She possesses a personality that will never be content if she cannot cause turmoil. The more pain and resentment she can cause in people that she comes into contact with, the better she will feel. I am vexed as to why she insists on behaving in this manner.

My son at least is still willing to visit me, however I am sure what I’ll say when I see him Thursday, he will have a whole lot of questions. I am uncertain of how I am supposed to proceed from this point. I just wish that my ex-wife understood that I never planned any of this and the last thing that I ever wanted in my life was to be disabled. I wish that she could be positive and encourage my rehabilitation process, thus insuring her own future as well when I am capable of paying child support. Alas however that is what a reasonable would do and my ex-wife is a person that is far from being reasonable, and her only wish is to spread as much negativity about me that she can is capable of doing.

Bicycling to Kevin and Shelly's

What does this have to do with AD/HD and AD/HD recovery?

While I am waiting for my appointment with the D.V.R. psychologist I am filling my time with my friend Shelly. Shelly and Kevin just had a baby and they want to paint their babies room. So I am bicycling to their house which is a good 25 maybe 30 miles from my home.

The bicycle trip was very arduous. Mapquest had me go way out of my way and up a hill that was unlike any other that ever experienced. I am sorry that I did not film this hill, because it was probably the most physically demanding that I ever climbed on my bicycle.

Before I departed on my long trek, I checked my bicycle for any mechanical failures.

I hate repairing flat tires. What I hate more is using new inter-tubes because I could not find my patch kit.

I stopped at Freemont.

Freemont is an artist community. I attended the Freemont Artist Society meeting once. They are a bunch of artists’ snobs that operate under the illusion that they have a monopoly over how art is defined. I have my own opinion on how true is defined, which drastically contradicts other people’s opinions. I believe that art is about the end product and not about the process of creating. I also have no problem with selling out my art and my talents. If McDonalds wants to pay me $5.000 to draw or paint the Golden Arches on my drawings, then by all means SHOW ME THE MONEY! The Freemont Artist Society frowns upon the process of “Selling Out” But none the less that is only my opinion and because it is such an unshared opinion, that tells what I know huh?

(LOL) Little side note. In that video when I said “there is also another reason why I like coming down here.” There was this super fine babe I was going to video tape in a black dress. However her husband or boyfriend saw me video taping and I did not want to get caught video taping her. So I said that Greek restaurant is why I like coming down here.

The Ship Canal trail is a fantastic bicycle trail.

It’s flat, cool, and beautiful. When I rode by those children I wanted to clearly announce my presence and make sure all of those children saw me. The last thing I wanted to have happen was a child run out in front me and cause me to crash. I’ve had that happen to me before, and I will by all means make sure that I will not seriously injure to children, even if that means I will not escape serious injury. I’ve been known to crash on concrete and avoid hurting children. Unlike those who were dumb enough to get in front of me, I’ll make sure they will cushion my fall and they will be the ones that get injured, even if it means they will be seriously injured. That too has happened to me before. If I can avoid an accident I will. If I can’t…well, better them than me. If they are dumb enough step in front of me when I announce my arrival, so be it.

Down town Seattle is a very dangerous place for bicyclist.

Most Seattle drivers think that they own the roads and they have no patients for bicyclists. So the onus is upon bicyclist to make sure that they avoid accidents. If we get hit we only have 100 pounds of aluminum to protect us. Where as the motorist have 5.000 pounds of steel between them and the bicycle. We bicyclist will be mortally injured if not killed. So we have to make sure that we are on the far right of the roads and watch the parked cars too, making sure that no car doors are opened in front of us. Seattle drivers are careless and stupid drivers.

The road along Boeing is about 2 – 3 miles and is completely flat.

I love riding my bicycle on that flat road. It is a lot of fun to watch the jets and air planes taking off while I am riding.

Today was the first time I had a chance to look at one of those behemoth pillars. It really is a wondrous accomplishment in both ingenuity and construction.

Interviewing Wife, dificulties having spouse with AD/HD

Dear Friends and Family

I am encouraging all of you to take 40 minutes and watch an interview I had conducted with Jenny (my wife). I had originally made this video four days ago and posted it on Youtube but they do not allow anything to be posted that is over 15 minutes long. So I had to edit the video into five different installments titled "Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD. Part 1 - 5" In the interview we discussed how difficult it has been for her being the pillar and support of our family while I am rehabilitating. I made the video for our friends and family that have expressed concern about me. Also for those of you whom I may never meet but you visit my blog (www.mytopdrawer01.blogspot.com) leave comments, and are following my progress. I wanted to show all of you that we're doing alright, we're getting through this tribulation together, and we're going to make it. I wanted all of you to see the better side of me, well actually you only get to get to hear her. The Grand Wizard behind the curtain.

Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 1


Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 2



Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 5


Usually I make journal entry's on my blog that are very personal. I am brutally honest about myself and very revealing. I do this as a way to record my rehabilitation progress and as a form of therapy. When I have completed my rehabilitation with D.V.R. (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) and my life living skills, I want to remember and visualize just how much progress I've made. To accomplish that goal I need to be honest with myself and with the world. Also if there is a possibility that somebody else may be going through the exact same thing that I am. If there is the slightest chance that I can help such an individual, just knowing that they are not alone, that I am experiencing the exact same thing that they are. It is my fondest hope that I may offer them assistance in their struggle. Even if my contribution may prove to be small, having the knowledge that they, that we, are not isolated nor alienated is a big measure of hope for recovery. I find solace in the possibility that my experiences may help somebody that I would otherwise never reach without transparent honesty and my blog.

I did not show Jenny on any of the videos, you can only see me during the entire interview and hear Jenny's voice. As I said earlier I am not asking questions that are overly personal, had I done that she would never have agreed to the interview. However I am showing a side of me, a side of us, that makes me the most fortunate man alive today.

For those of you who share my neurological disorder and whom I'll probably never meet in person, the person answering these questions is no different than your significant other or spouse. She experiences every hardship and tribulation that I endure. She does that while keeping a marriage and a family in a cohesive state. The kind of character and internal fortitude that my wife displays is nothing less than true strength personified. For those of you who visit my blog and on ADDER World, take 40 minutes and listen to the most intelligent, compassionate, understanding, and strongest person in my life. Until now all I've ever done is talked about her. Now you have the chance to listen to her for yourself.

Also if you have a spouse or significant other that is your own pillar of strength and support. These two videos would be ideal for them to listen to. I asked Jenny what she has done to help me but herself as well. I must admit and I am not saying this because she is my wife, she has a lot of fantastic ideas and advice.

One more thing before I end this journal entry. We who have this neurological disorder understandably get preoccupied with just struggling and coping with our disabilities. We cannot avoid getting wrapped up in everything we must endure to just live each day to the next. Rehabilitating, learning positive habits, unlearning negative coping skills, is overwhelming I know this all too well. However if we're fortunate enough to have somebody that loves us and is supportive, then all of our tribulations and hardships are theirs as well. Plus this person of support has the responsibility to keep a household in a cohesive state. Can you imagine how difficult it must be for them? Can you imagine how much strength that they need to have just to get through their day? They do not have the luxury of deciding if they have the internal fortitude each and every day, it's imperative that they must have it. They need to hear nearly every day how much they are loved and appreciated. Have you kissed your wife or significant other lately and thanked them for being your PILLAR, your ROCK? If not you should do so now. If you can't kiss this individual then call them, email them, and inform them just how much you love and appreciate them.

Road to DVR...

I recorded some of my commute while riding my bicycle going to my DVR appointment today.


Once my meeting with my counselor had concluded I asked if she would mind taking part in a quick interview for my blog. She graciously agreed to do so. The interview is right after filming my bicycle ride, it is only 3 minutes long.

Two more videos I made when I was coming to terms with my disability.

About month ago these videos were madde. I got up at 4:00 AM one morning and I just went bicycling. I only wanted to just get out and just, just....I don't know what I wanted I just needed to get my head straight.


While bicycling I came to terms with AD/HD and being disabled. These were some of the videos I made, I decided to make music videos out of them.

I made music video of the morning I came to terms with disability.

This is a short music video.


The morning I came to terms with having AD/HD and being disabled was a defining moment for me. My depression that i was in was over and I felt a lot better.

Today I am going Sircrazy. Discover my average day being disabled with AD/HD and see for yourself how mundane, menial, and frustrating it is for me.

Today I feel like I am going insane. Why? I feel like I am going batty today because I just really wanted to go bicycling on a long 50-80 mile ride. I love bicycling. Other than creating art, bicycling is my favorite thing todo.

I am so sick of being couped up in the house while my wife labors to keep our lives together. I am so sick of waiting to get things going with DVR too. I want to get on the road to recovery and gaining control of my life. Sitting at home doing nothing knowing that my wife is working hard. It just makes me feel so useless and worthless.

However, when I am bicycling and exercising intense veracity and my blood is pumping so hard that I can feel the THUMP, THUMP. THUMP, in my neck, I feel fantastic. Breathing the fresh cool air in the morning also makes me feel fantastic. All of my problems seem to disappear when I am engaged in bicycling. Bicycling has enriched and enhanced my life in so many different ways. It is more than a tool to maintain my fitness, its my therapy, it's my passion, its a love affair. When I can't bicycle, I get very irritated.

So what am I going to do with myself today. (LOL) I already looked at all of the good internet porn over the last 2 months. Nothing new or exciting there.

I know, why not show all of you my average day being disabled and see for yourself how mundane, menial, and frustrating it is for me.



Its raining in Seattle today.


Its a myth that Seattle gets a whole lot rain every day. But it does rain more here than other parts of the United states. I really, really, wanted to get out of the house today and go on a huge long bicycle ride. But if I can help it I will not ride my bicycle in the rain. Perhaps one of these days I should just say the hell with it and go riding in the rain anyway. I remember this one time riding to Kevin and Shellies house that it was pouring outside and I rode to their house anyway. I showed up soaked, and I got their hardwood floors all wet.


Making breakfast.


What else is there to do today? Other than blog about my usual day being disabled?


I do not know how stay at home moms, or other people who are disabled do this.


There is absolutely nothing, I mean nothing on TV. I have over 500 channels of shit.


(LOL) This my journal of descent into madness.


Elllen dancing. Do people actually enjoy watching Ellen dance.


More of Ellen dancing.


Actually I may regret admitting this later. But I do enjoy watching Ellen, but not her dancing. I like her ethical code of conduct and character.


My cat meowing.


That cat drives me insane at times. She will stay at that door and other doors just meowing "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" until I let her in or out. She learned that if she does that long enough I will give in. Later she will just stand outside the closed door wanting back in and do the same thing over again until I let her in.


One of the other things I do during the day is go on Adder World.




http://adderworld.ning.com

Adder World is a social networking site that is designed for people with AD/HD. I love contributing to this forum but it does not kill the endless monotony that I go through each day,

1st Support Group Meeting

Tonight I attended a support group for the first time. I also experienced what it’s like to be truly alone.

While I was attending the meeting tonight I could not help but to fidget in my seat and tap my foot continually. I knew that I had this meeting tonight; I had marked it in my daily planner, my Outlook calendar, and on my online calendar as well. However for all my planning I did not prepare directions or medication. (sigh) I really get discouraged with myself at times.

Paying attention to everybody that was sharing their personal experiences coping with their symptoms was a challenge for me. However I managed well enough and I noticed that every that was in attendance at the meeting had one thing in common with each other. That is with everybody but me. The discoursed that they were sharing dealt with the challenges they have met maintaining active employment. Some of them have kept their jobs for two years, five years, and one guy even managed to keep his job for nineteen years. NINETEEN YEARS! He felt that he was underemployed.

I can’t even remain employed for four months, let alone two years. I realized that I was a minority in that room. I finally spoke up and said “I do not mean to be a negative asshole about myself. But I’ve finally realized just how ****** I am.” I added that I’ve gone through one marriage. The one person who was supposed to love me the most said that I was stupid and asked why I was the way I am. I continued on and said since 1992 I’ve been incapable of holding a job for longer than four months. That I would go through five to six jobs a year. I would be happy with just keeping one of those jobs, even if it meant being underemployed. I said a lot of other things that I’ve already mentioned on this blog before.

The defining aspect of that meeting was so glaringly obvious to me tonight. I was not like them, I am singularly different then all of them. In a room full of people who are afflicted with AD/HD and ADD I was still different than my peers. I stood out. I took a moment just now staring at all the words on this Outlook page before I cut and paste it too my blog. I was not reading anything I had written; I was merely staring and thinking. My contemplations are filled with negative sentiments about myself.

My entire life I have always been different then other people because of my disability. Tonight I was in a room full of people who all have AD/HD and how sad is it that I am still different then all of them. How pathetic is my state of affairs that I still stood out.

Gifts! What gifts?

Recently I received the following response on one of the posts that I left on About.Com.

Hi Shane

Thankyou for sharing and my journey has been very slimular.

At the age of forty I went back to shool for one year for my grade 12 diploma. Then off to college for 3 years.

This is when I was labeled ADHD, relief i say because now there's a name . Now I can start somewhere to gather information .

This is life long and has to be manage every day,with humor

*nutrient eating certain food, mediation, working out is a must, behavior techniques. accepting you are brillant special gifts, I am blessed to be born with a positive attitude and sense of humor. Humor is strong !

I really love the gifts and accept who I am. Understanding -it is a combination of resources that works

It was a struggle, re inventing myself every day.

Learning to step back shake emotions and see the learning in all things. The negative and positive .)

Once I understood all the behaviour etc. I started Orgainizing my life,what hell this was. I tried many diffrent techneques because it was a combination of things that clicked for me. You have to mix it up until you come up with receipe.

Now my life has structure, creativity, work is stimulating .

My Volunteering is helping young people with adhd develope positive attitude , use thier gifts for strengths behaviors and devloping humor for life. Adhd people are so much fun to be around

Why do I do this? because this would have made my life so complete to have a adhd life coach.

The following was how I responded.

Gifts? What gifts? I do not think that I received the memo on that one. Sure I can take on many projects at once and I think faster than most my peers. However that does not mean I complete any those projects or that I would retain any of the information that is traversing through my mind at 100 MPH. My symptoms are like watching a TV and the channels are switching constantly and I have half a second to absorb the information before the next channel comes on. And the worst part about all of that is that somebody is controlling my TV by remote control.

Now if that is not bad enough, what little information that I can retain I think that it's so important that I have to share it with people while we're conversing. I'll interrupt them at times because I am afraid that I will forget what I was going to say. Of course this behavior is not understood by some people in my social circle. So they do not wish to be more than a than casual acquaintance because I am looked upon as a person that has bullying attributes.

Now if that is not bad enough at times I want to share or do something that I think is a good idea and in reality that which I wish to act upon is not socially acceptable. I am incapable of thinking about these impulses long to determine if it was actually a good idea or not. Inevitably I end up embarrassing myself or somebody else that I care about and I regret that which I had said or done. In those circumstances my guilt would be compounded if I hurt somebodys feelings that I deeply care about or I love.

Now isn't all of that a smoking resume on how to win friends and influence people? So honestly if there are any gifts that I can take advantage of in all of that I would like to be educated as to what they are.

Good news is that because I am medicated I am empowered to modify my behavior and socially evolve. I am also capable of adopting good habits and the negative ones I had come accustomed to are being eliminated. Retaining information while conversing is much more easier for me now. Which negates my need to interrupt individuals while we're sharing dialog. My mental faculties are not being overwhelmed by my sensory information which allows me to have the extra thinking room long enough to amend my behavior. As a result of all of this empowerment I haven't regretted my actions in a very long time now.

My only problem now is that I do not feel the need to add to dinner conversation while my wife and me are out with our friends. I am content on sitting back and listening to everybody else talk. Which is looked upon as uncharacteristic of me. I am receiving emails from my close friends and family if I am alright, I was very quiet that night. I have to explain to them that for the first time in my life I am very happy to listen to everybody else and I do not feel the need to interject or interrupt. If I feel like I have something worth sharing I can hang onto the thought long enough until the appropriate time avails itself. I've discovered that a lot things I thought were appropriate or important aren't. So I keep my actions and thoughts to myself.

So if there are any gifts that I am ignorant of, I'd certainly like to know what they are?

The Idealist

My wife describes me as an idealist. Certainly I do not think that her view or definition view of me is incorrect. However I do not think having ideals is a negative attribute to own. I have always been told that if people do the right thing that they would be rewarded. When individuals do the right and honorable thing in the face of adversity and hardship isn’t their actions that much more noble? I am not one of those success stories that were rewarded for being courageous when I was faced with injustice and persecution. The conviction of my character has a price that at times I feel is too costly. My relationship with my children has been impacted in a negative way because doing what was right meant that I needed to adjust the terms of our relationship. I desperately wanted to be close with my daughter and was willing to be exploited by her to achieve that goal. Interactions such as that are not how healthy relationships are defined and ultimately would not be beneficial for either party. Fueled by the deception and manipulation of her mother and my unwillingness to maintain the same terms my daughter had been accustomed to resulted in her not wanting to have contact with me. Which I am sure you can imagine hurts me immensely. My daughter viewed me as somebody that she could get the things that she desired from. Like any other loving father I wanted to make my beautiful daughter happy, so I gave into her demands. When I refused my daughter behaved in a negative way until I did as she wanted. At times my actions would cause turmoil between my wife and me. My wife could not and would not live in a marriage while her husband was continually spoiling his daughter. (My daughter is a child from my previous marriage. This is why I say my daughter and not our daughter.) The definition of the word “spoiling” when referring to the treatment of children is “rewarding bad behavior.” There are people that misuse the word “spoiling” and I wanted to make the context clear. My wife demanded that I quit acting that way, even if it meant that my daughter would want to go back and live with her mother. I knew that my wife was not incorrect in her assessment of my relationship with my daughter so I complied with her request. My daughter no longer wanted to live with me and she decided to go back and live with her mother. That was over a two years ago.

I am positive you want to know how all of this fits into AD/HD and rehabilitation. I’ll explain that in a moment. Please bare with me because I have a point, really I do.

I am guilty of performing the responsibilities that parenthood demanded. I had to do that which was right and I knew I could not afford it. The price for being an individual of high moral character has proved to be too much. I do not have the luxury of contemplating whether or not I can abide these demands. This is the way it is and I must endure the tolls.

Why though? Why does it have to be that way? My relationship with my daughter is just an example of how unfair life situations can be. I do not foresee that my decision will be rewarded at all. Certainly if the course that has been determined in my daughter’s life is not altered future event have a very bleak outlook. I envisioned a Spielberg ending while the music of John Williams was conducted in the background and my daughter returned running into my awaiting loving embrace. Fade out white, roll the credits, and the audience has a feeling of immense satisfaction and that everything would be alright.

I promised I would explain what this has to do with AD/HD and now I will. Persevering that which I must is much like what we who have AD/HD have no choices over. Abiding the chaos we have created through no fault of our own is too much to endure at times. However we are left with little or no choice at all. Those of us who have AD/HD fighting the injustice of it all each day are a struggle. The hardship and tribulations that we all have encountered is overwhelming at times. Competing with our peers in workforce who do not have AD/HD is unfair and unequal treatment. We either educate our employers of our affliction and take the chance that we will be fired or live in fear each day that our employment will be terminated at any time. Attempting to compete with our un-afflicted counterparts is an insurmountable undertaking. However compete we must. Why do we have to display such constitution and continually be in a strong confrontational state of affairs, while other people have the ability to excel with little or menial effort? Why does our own pursuit of fulfillment and happiness have to be fraught with such extreme adversity? In an ideal world it would not be like that and it should not be this way now.

30 percent of all inmates have severe AD/HD. I cannot help but to believe that some of those people had little or no choices available to them. Certainly when individuals are confronting such drastic situations in their lives and they believe that breaking the law is a viable solution, then it’s safe to assume that the state of their affairs are dire. Should we not as a civilized and compassionated society help these people who resort to such drastic measures? Then why are people with neurological disorders being sent to prison? Incarceration will not improve these people and the argument could be espoused that they are learning how to better further their careers as criminals. I am not trying to suggest that they should not be punished. I am merely expressing my belief that once they’re convicted they should be punished with compassion and rehabilitation afforded to them.

I am an idealist that is my ideal world. However that is not the way things are.

Since this is my blog and journal entry and I am expressing my idealism, let’s call my imaginary civilization “Shane’s World.” In Shane’s World the criminals who have AD/HD would not endure a conviction at all. People who suffer with all neurological disorders would have services that they could take advantage of and receive help. Shane’s World would affectively reduce the self medicating population and thus eliminate the amount of drug addicts who are being treated as criminals. In Shane’s World people who have neurological disorders would have allowances made for them in the workforce and they will be given the chance to excel and achieve happiness. Shane’s World would be free of unjust and unequal treatment and people who have neurological conditions would not be afraid of divulging that information to employers. In Shane’s World those who have the strength of their convictions would be rewarded for displaying such admirable qualities. In Shane’s World people who persevere through hardships and tribulations would be afforded the opportunity to improve their circumstances.

In Shane’s Wor…In Shane’s. What I mean to say is that I, I, --- (sigh). Well there is no Shane’s World or any other imaginary fairy tale existence. There are no Spielberg endings with John Williams’s music playing in the background. For those of us who have AD/HD this is the way things are. We all must either learn how to persevere or stay down when Shit-head life knocks us out and adopt a defeatist mentality. Is it fair? NO! Is it right? NO! Is it equal? Not only no but, HELL NO!

I cannot leave this blog entry on that note. I am forced to remember a line in a fantasy book I read called The Dragon Reborn, written by Robert Jordan (may he rest in peace). The Dragon Reborn, known Rand Al Thor, had just won a key victory. Rand Al Thor is the reincarnation of a long since dead leader called Ulterior Hawkwing. Rand Al Thor looked over the landscape and saw all of the dead soldiers on both sides of the battle. As he did this he heard the voice of Ulterior Hawkwing speak up in his mind. “You will bury your dead and you will mourn their passing. But you will take any victory that you can, when you can, and take it you must.” I fight for each and every battle that I win against Shit-head life. I will mourn when I am defeated; however I will take any victory that I can and take it I must.

Yes I am an idealist. How can one survive through everything that I had endured and not think about the way things are versus the way things should be. Yes I am an idealist and I see nothing wrong with that.

My psychiatrist frustrates me

My psychiatrist is really useless. She never listens to me, she interrupts me, and when I have a real problem that I want to tell her about she just ignores me. I do not know how many times I've told her that yes I have a son, yes he has AD/HD, yes I have a daughter, yes she has ADD. I told her that now that I am medicated I am having real complications in my life and she just says "Mmmhm tell me more about this psychologist you're going to see. I had already told her that I am being sent by DVR as a part of my rehabilitation program.

The only thing that she is good for is writing prescriptions.