Road to DVR...

I recorded some of my commute while riding my bicycle going to my DVR appointment today.


Once my meeting with my counselor had concluded I asked if she would mind taking part in a quick interview for my blog. She graciously agreed to do so. The interview is right after filming my bicycle ride, it is only 3 minutes long.

I AM NOT CRAZY! Really I'm not.

I had another appointment with DVR today and presented my vocational decision to my counselor. Both my psychiatrist and my DVR counselor feel that I have made a good decision. I have decided that because I am in excellent physical condition, I should probably take full of advantage of that fact. I decided that I am going to pursue a career as a physical fitness trainer. The credentials required to become a trainer are not that extensive. If my new brain serving me adequately I believe the certification process is only 6 months. I have interpersonal communication skills already. I am very comfortable talking to a large group of people, I am persuasive, I am extroverted and I know how to sell. Plus I am in the physically fit. Being physical fitness trainer would release me free from the confines of a desk and relieve me of the mental tasks required to be competent in that kind of environment.

Blogger yet again loads so damned slow. Youtube loads so much faster



What is going to happen next is that D.V.R wants me to be evaluated by their own psychologist. They want to be sure my disability is not so severe that I could not complete my training.. Which is very understandable I am just not overly excited about talking yet again to another doctor about my symptoms and the anguish I had to endure for the last 36 years.

I AM NOT CRAZY!

Really I am not going insane, I do not hear voices. I talked a little about how I have decided to give my AD/HD a personality. I am talking to him more now. Not like extended conversations. It’s more or less me telling him to shut up.

You see now that I am not having such a hard time focusing and concentrating, that void is being filled with negative thoughts. However these are not quiet, they’re loud inside my mind. The voice that I hear inside my mind is my own, when I have negative thoughts. It’s not an audible voice, its internal, inside my mind. I want to make that very clear

The other day when I was going to DVR there is this rather long hill. I was going up the hill with little effort and I was feeling good. There was a time when I would never have been capable of achieving such athleticism. Any AD/HD spoke up inside my head and said ‘see Shane, I gave this to you. Why do you want to get rid of me?” I ignored the thought and just kept riding. The question was repeated, and I said shut up. Then AD/HD said no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work, I will always be with you until we die.

THEN THIS IS WHAT I THINK IS REALLY FUNNY. Are there any more imperfections that want to take up residency in mind?

Another voice came up to my mind and said. ‘Don’t forget me Shane, I am going to be with you too. FOREVER! It was my love handles. I am fit and thin now, but I will never be able to get rid of my love handles. I told my wife “Jen is like they are taunting me, making fun of me. See no matter how hard you work Shane, no mater how long you exercise. I will always be here.

DVR, starting vocational rehabilitation.

Hello friends.

As some of you may know I have been diagnosed with severe AD/HD and I am currently disabled. Today I had my 1st appointment with D.V.R (department of vocational rehabilitation). I believe that everything is very positive, I feel good about my counselor, and the direction which she guiding everything thus far.

All of the rehabilitation I am going to be undergoing won't do me much good if I cannot learn to manage my daily activities. I do not have basic life skills, I am incapable of surviving on my own right now. From the moment I got up in the morning in the mornings for 36 years, my mind has been assaulted with so many different thoughts and ideas. I was not able and I cannot filter or decipher the overwhelming amount of stimuli and information that my brain receives. For 36 years I've been reacting to impulsive behavior because for the most part I was incapable of thinking about consequences long enough to moderate my actions. So for 36 years I created dysfunction and chaos all around me. In the wake of all that insanity I never learned how to live, how to survive. I mean I never even learned how to wash my own clothes.

D.V.R is providing me with a Independent Living Counselor. This person is going to come to my home and, and...well. teach me how to live. I've already briefly met with this individual and I am very excited about finally learning how to live. The prospect of being educated on how to balance a check book and expenses, its all too much. I am very giddy about all of this. When I started take my medication I tried to sit down and write a schedule that I thought I could follow while I am rehabilitating. However though I am medicated, I just could not focus long enough to think of everything. Having somebody else who can help me achieve that task is going to be so wonderful.

I am also very upset and depressed, about all of this as well. I mean I am 36 years old, I do not have a career, and I am incapable of maintaining employment. In addition to not having a vocation or having capacity to keep a job. In the 36 years that I've been sentient and bipedal, in all that time I never once acquired basic life living skills. If I was left to my own devices tomorrow, I would not know how to survive.

If one word could sum up my existence right now, my personhood, my individuality, can be described as pathetic. I am the institution from which all other think-tanks derive their definition from for how pathetic something or someone is. I know how I must sound right now, and I apologize. If you can, try to imagine yourself as tremendously relieved and at the same time extremely depressed. To complicate things more add hope and excitement to that emotional gambit. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster right now.

I've made my decision on what vocation i would like pursue, no it is not going to be art. However I am positive that I am making a good decision.

Shane