My Top Drawer...Chronicles of AD/HD rehabilitation.: July 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

I do not know what tot title this Blog entry,

As much as my ADHD has plagued me in the past, it has also been the genesis of great character that I've developed. I never gave up, I only failed. Nobody has ever worked as hard as I have at failing. There is nobody as close to me as wife is and I can honestly look deep into her eyes and say "I did my best and I tried my hardest." She endured all the pain too when I trekked upon failing attempts to become successful. Sometimes the individual who loves somebody the most is also a source of significant and great enlightenment. If my wife had not made me aware that my perceived minor imposition was in fact a severely impairing disability, I would have continued on conducting myself the same way. I was incapable of admitting both to her and myself that I was and am disabled.

However not to sound too pessimistic, because I've also overcome a lot of adversity and tribulations that some of my non-ADHD counterparts may have been incapable accomplishing. I believe I can safely assume that my life's experiences are not entirely unique. I am convinced that those of us who have been plagued with severe ADHD our entire lives have evolved the kind of character that can endure hardship. We have adapted to the sour taste of defeat and have become accustomed to it. The fear of failing fuels our ambition to succeed and it does not terrify us.

Education is liberation. Ignorance spawns fear. The two state of minds are both sides of the same coin. Not achieving aspirations yields a breadth of knowledge that the worst that could happen had already transpired. Empowered with the knowledge that failure had bestowed eliminates any reservations against further attempts. After all failing to obtain goals is another opportunity to succeed. There are only one of two choices at our disposal then. Either make another attempt, or adopt a defeatist mentality and never realize could happened. Personally I'd rather keep on trying until the opportunity is no longer available to me or until all possible avenues had been exploited. Anything less is unconscionable.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I've become APATHETIC.

Apathy is defined by Oxford dictionary as:

Ap-a-thy
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

My current state of affairs can most certainly be describe apathetic.

If one were to ask somebody that has personal knowledge of my character attributes to describe the kind of man I am, such inquires would yield a breadth of information that would be both extensive and complex. Becoming enlightened to the person that I am could be equated with attending a lecture on the structure of evolutionary theory. The point being its not an easy essay to digest.

Never in my entire life could I be described as an individual that is APATHETIC! I dislike typing that word even. The disdain that I harbor for people who nurture the nature of apathy within their own personhood is very profound. I am truly disgusted by the extent of people who do not care about social justice, equality, and intrusion upon personal liberties. Their accumulative apathy will be a catalyst to a downward spiral of self annihilation and their demise will impact everybody.

I devoted much of my time to charitable and non-profit organizations to combat the affects of apathy. I care very much for my fellow man and I strongly wish to safeguard every bodies rights to equality, justice, and personal liberties.

Apathy has been evolving within me and I've become disgusted with myself. I wish that I could give a damn about how other people are coping with their own ADHD, but I don't. I've become self absorbed and selfish about obtaining the tools needed to construct a foundation to support my rehabilitation. I only care about furthering my own endeavors and my pursuit to normality. All of the social causes that were once fundamentally important to me have dissipated into a cess pool of apathy. The vapidness that is developing within me is becoming more apparent and I have discovered that I do not care. My current self enlightenment should shock me into a realization that would ward off such a self indulgent existence. However I cannot discover the internal fortitude that I need to combat the sea of apathy that is growing within me.

My wife said that I need to be selfish, that I need to take care of me right now. She said that I am never going to get better if I do not take this time out for me. In my pursuit of happiness and normalcy I sincerely hope that I do not become the object of that which once disgusted me so profoundly. If I evolve into a man that is void of compassion, vapid, and lack genuine care for my fellow man, I'd rather remain the way that I have always been. I love my community and the brothers and sisters that I aligned myself with. The flame of compassion I once carried within me had encompassed nearly all of my personhood. I cannot lose that light, my flame, because it had defined me so thoroughly.

I do not know how to proceed from this point, because I genuinely don't care. All I care about right now is furthering my own goals and all of the endeavors that that entails.