Latest update.

If I am not making blogs of commenting much at all its because I am on vacation right now.

However I do have a lot to report because I got the results of my psychological tests back, and they were awful. I tested far below average in nearly every single category being tested. However I now know that my problems reach far beyond just AD/HD.

I have social anxiety disorder. I have sleeping disorders and I am constantly struggling with insomnia. The icing on my ****** up cake is that I am also Bipolar. However psychologist said that I do not show symptoms of depression, he said that its not uncommon for some people to just be constantly manic.

GREAT !!!!!! Just ******* great!

Is there anything else that I am freaking missing? Could there possibly be anything else that is wrong with me? I had pettymaul Epilepsy as a child that I outgrew. I have severe AD/HD, I have social anxiety disorder, and now bipolar disorder.

I am really one messed up dude. When I get back from my vacation I'll actually make a real update.

I do not know what tot title this Blog entry,

As much as my ADHD has plagued me in the past, it has also been the genesis of great character that I've developed. I never gave up, I only failed. Nobody has ever worked as hard as I have at failing. There is nobody as close to me as wife is and I can honestly look deep into her eyes and say "I did my best and I tried my hardest." She endured all the pain too when I trekked upon failing attempts to become successful. Sometimes the individual who loves somebody the most is also a source of significant and great enlightenment. If my wife had not made me aware that my perceived minor imposition was in fact a severely impairing disability, I would have continued on conducting myself the same way. I was incapable of admitting both to her and myself that I was and am disabled.

However not to sound too pessimistic, because I've also overcome a lot of adversity and tribulations that some of my non-ADHD counterparts may have been incapable accomplishing. I believe I can safely assume that my life's experiences are not entirely unique. I am convinced that those of us who have been plagued with severe ADHD our entire lives have evolved the kind of character that can endure hardship. We have adapted to the sour taste of defeat and have become accustomed to it. The fear of failing fuels our ambition to succeed and it does not terrify us.

Education is liberation. Ignorance spawns fear. The two state of minds are both sides of the same coin. Not achieving aspirations yields a breadth of knowledge that the worst that could happen had already transpired. Empowered with the knowledge that failure had bestowed eliminates any reservations against further attempts. After all failing to obtain goals is another opportunity to succeed. There are only one of two choices at our disposal then. Either make another attempt, or adopt a defeatist mentality and never realize could happened. Personally I'd rather keep on trying until the opportunity is no longer available to me or until all possible avenues had been exploited. Anything less is unconscionable.

I've become APATHETIC.

Apathy is defined by Oxford dictionary as:

Ap-a-thy
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

My current state of affairs can most certainly be describe apathetic.

If one were to ask somebody that has personal knowledge of my character attributes to describe the kind of man I am, such inquires would yield a breadth of information that would be both extensive and complex. Becoming enlightened to the person that I am could be equated with attending a lecture on the structure of evolutionary theory. The point being its not an easy essay to digest.

Never in my entire life could I be described as an individual that is APATHETIC! I dislike typing that word even. The disdain that I harbor for people who nurture the nature of apathy within their own personhood is very profound. I am truly disgusted by the extent of people who do not care about social justice, equality, and intrusion upon personal liberties. Their accumulative apathy will be a catalyst to a downward spiral of self annihilation and their demise will impact everybody.

I devoted much of my time to charitable and non-profit organizations to combat the affects of apathy. I care very much for my fellow man and I strongly wish to safeguard every bodies rights to equality, justice, and personal liberties.

Apathy has been evolving within me and I've become disgusted with myself. I wish that I could give a damn about how other people are coping with their own ADHD, but I don't. I've become self absorbed and selfish about obtaining the tools needed to construct a foundation to support my rehabilitation. I only care about furthering my own endeavors and my pursuit to normality. All of the social causes that were once fundamentally important to me have dissipated into a cess pool of apathy. The vapidness that is developing within me is becoming more apparent and I have discovered that I do not care. My current self enlightenment should shock me into a realization that would ward off such a self indulgent existence. However I cannot discover the internal fortitude that I need to combat the sea of apathy that is growing within me.

My wife said that I need to be selfish, that I need to take care of me right now. She said that I am never going to get better if I do not take this time out for me. In my pursuit of happiness and normalcy I sincerely hope that I do not become the object of that which once disgusted me so profoundly. If I evolve into a man that is void of compassion, vapid, and lack genuine care for my fellow man, I'd rather remain the way that I have always been. I love my community and the brothers and sisters that I aligned myself with. The flame of compassion I once carried within me had encompassed nearly all of my personhood. I cannot lose that light, my flame, because it had defined me so thoroughly.

I do not know how to proceed from this point, because I genuinely don't care. All I care about right now is furthering my own goals and all of the endeavors that that entails.

Me in the Seattle Gay Pride Parade

These are videos of me in the Seattle gay pride parade.

Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 1 of 4



Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 2 of 4



Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 3 of 4



Before Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 4 of 4





Seattle Atheists, FSM, Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 1 of 3



Seattle Atheists, FSM, Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 2 of 3



Seattle Atheists, FSM, Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2008 3 of 3







Seattle Atheists, Pastafarians, Flying Spaghetti Monster



Seattle Gay Pride Parade of 2008, Happy Penis Man

Endure

I do not know what else I am supposed to do. More than anything else in this world I want the love and devotion of my children. I’ve done everything in my power to encourage that too. However with the lies and manipulation of their mother, she has encouraged nothing but resentment and discontent of me in my children. She will never let a chance slip by her when she has the opportunity to say everything negative about me that she can. No matter how minuscule and an unrelated to the topic at hand, if she can tell somebody that will listen, she will indulge them about what kind of piece of shit I am. Compounded with the fact that I am incapable of paying child support at this current juncture in my life only proves to feed her ever increasing hatred of me. Even when I am paying child support regularly she is never happy. My ex-wife is a person that thrives in an environment where she can be the catalyst of negativity. She possesses a personality that will never be content if she cannot cause turmoil. The more pain and resentment she can cause in people that she comes into contact with, the better she will feel. I am vexed as to why she insists on behaving in this manner.

My son at least is still willing to visit me, however I am sure what I’ll say when I see him Thursday, he will have a whole lot of questions. I am uncertain of how I am supposed to proceed from this point. I just wish that my ex-wife understood that I never planned any of this and the last thing that I ever wanted in my life was to be disabled. I wish that she could be positive and encourage my rehabilitation process, thus insuring her own future as well when I am capable of paying child support. Alas however that is what a reasonable would do and my ex-wife is a person that is far from being reasonable, and her only wish is to spread as much negativity about me that she can is capable of doing.

Bicycling to Kevin and Shelly's

What does this have to do with AD/HD and AD/HD recovery?

While I am waiting for my appointment with the D.V.R. psychologist I am filling my time with my friend Shelly. Shelly and Kevin just had a baby and they want to paint their babies room. So I am bicycling to their house which is a good 25 maybe 30 miles from my home.

The bicycle trip was very arduous. Mapquest had me go way out of my way and up a hill that was unlike any other that ever experienced. I am sorry that I did not film this hill, because it was probably the most physically demanding that I ever climbed on my bicycle.

Before I departed on my long trek, I checked my bicycle for any mechanical failures.

I hate repairing flat tires. What I hate more is using new inter-tubes because I could not find my patch kit.

I stopped at Freemont.

Freemont is an artist community. I attended the Freemont Artist Society meeting once. They are a bunch of artists’ snobs that operate under the illusion that they have a monopoly over how art is defined. I have my own opinion on how true is defined, which drastically contradicts other people’s opinions. I believe that art is about the end product and not about the process of creating. I also have no problem with selling out my art and my talents. If McDonalds wants to pay me $5.000 to draw or paint the Golden Arches on my drawings, then by all means SHOW ME THE MONEY! The Freemont Artist Society frowns upon the process of “Selling Out” But none the less that is only my opinion and because it is such an unshared opinion, that tells what I know huh?

(LOL) Little side note. In that video when I said “there is also another reason why I like coming down here.” There was this super fine babe I was going to video tape in a black dress. However her husband or boyfriend saw me video taping and I did not want to get caught video taping her. So I said that Greek restaurant is why I like coming down here.

The Ship Canal trail is a fantastic bicycle trail.

It’s flat, cool, and beautiful. When I rode by those children I wanted to clearly announce my presence and make sure all of those children saw me. The last thing I wanted to have happen was a child run out in front me and cause me to crash. I’ve had that happen to me before, and I will by all means make sure that I will not seriously injure to children, even if that means I will not escape serious injury. I’ve been known to crash on concrete and avoid hurting children. Unlike those who were dumb enough to get in front of me, I’ll make sure they will cushion my fall and they will be the ones that get injured, even if it means they will be seriously injured. That too has happened to me before. If I can avoid an accident I will. If I can’t…well, better them than me. If they are dumb enough step in front of me when I announce my arrival, so be it.

Down town Seattle is a very dangerous place for bicyclist.

Most Seattle drivers think that they own the roads and they have no patients for bicyclists. So the onus is upon bicyclist to make sure that they avoid accidents. If we get hit we only have 100 pounds of aluminum to protect us. Where as the motorist have 5.000 pounds of steel between them and the bicycle. We bicyclist will be mortally injured if not killed. So we have to make sure that we are on the far right of the roads and watch the parked cars too, making sure that no car doors are opened in front of us. Seattle drivers are careless and stupid drivers.

The road along Boeing is about 2 – 3 miles and is completely flat.

I love riding my bicycle on that flat road. It is a lot of fun to watch the jets and air planes taking off while I am riding.

Today was the first time I had a chance to look at one of those behemoth pillars. It really is a wondrous accomplishment in both ingenuity and construction.

Interviewing Wife, dificulties having spouse with AD/HD

Dear Friends and Family

I am encouraging all of you to take 40 minutes and watch an interview I had conducted with Jenny (my wife). I had originally made this video four days ago and posted it on Youtube but they do not allow anything to be posted that is over 15 minutes long. So I had to edit the video into five different installments titled "Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD. Part 1 - 5" In the interview we discussed how difficult it has been for her being the pillar and support of our family while I am rehabilitating. I made the video for our friends and family that have expressed concern about me. Also for those of you whom I may never meet but you visit my blog (www.mytopdrawer01.blogspot.com) leave comments, and are following my progress. I wanted to show all of you that we're doing alright, we're getting through this tribulation together, and we're going to make it. I wanted all of you to see the better side of me, well actually you only get to get to hear her. The Grand Wizard behind the curtain.

Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 1


Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 2



Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 5


Usually I make journal entry's on my blog that are very personal. I am brutally honest about myself and very revealing. I do this as a way to record my rehabilitation progress and as a form of therapy. When I have completed my rehabilitation with D.V.R. (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) and my life living skills, I want to remember and visualize just how much progress I've made. To accomplish that goal I need to be honest with myself and with the world. Also if there is a possibility that somebody else may be going through the exact same thing that I am. If there is the slightest chance that I can help such an individual, just knowing that they are not alone, that I am experiencing the exact same thing that they are. It is my fondest hope that I may offer them assistance in their struggle. Even if my contribution may prove to be small, having the knowledge that they, that we, are not isolated nor alienated is a big measure of hope for recovery. I find solace in the possibility that my experiences may help somebody that I would otherwise never reach without transparent honesty and my blog.

I did not show Jenny on any of the videos, you can only see me during the entire interview and hear Jenny's voice. As I said earlier I am not asking questions that are overly personal, had I done that she would never have agreed to the interview. However I am showing a side of me, a side of us, that makes me the most fortunate man alive today.

For those of you who share my neurological disorder and whom I'll probably never meet in person, the person answering these questions is no different than your significant other or spouse. She experiences every hardship and tribulation that I endure. She does that while keeping a marriage and a family in a cohesive state. The kind of character and internal fortitude that my wife displays is nothing less than true strength personified. For those of you who visit my blog and on ADDER World, take 40 minutes and listen to the most intelligent, compassionate, understanding, and strongest person in my life. Until now all I've ever done is talked about her. Now you have the chance to listen to her for yourself.

Also if you have a spouse or significant other that is your own pillar of strength and support. These two videos would be ideal for them to listen to. I asked Jenny what she has done to help me but herself as well. I must admit and I am not saying this because she is my wife, she has a lot of fantastic ideas and advice.

One more thing before I end this journal entry. We who have this neurological disorder understandably get preoccupied with just struggling and coping with our disabilities. We cannot avoid getting wrapped up in everything we must endure to just live each day to the next. Rehabilitating, learning positive habits, unlearning negative coping skills, is overwhelming I know this all too well. However if we're fortunate enough to have somebody that loves us and is supportive, then all of our tribulations and hardships are theirs as well. Plus this person of support has the responsibility to keep a household in a cohesive state. Can you imagine how difficult it must be for them? Can you imagine how much strength that they need to have just to get through their day? They do not have the luxury of deciding if they have the internal fortitude each and every day, it's imperative that they must have it. They need to hear nearly every day how much they are loved and appreciated. Have you kissed your wife or significant other lately and thanked them for being your PILLAR, your ROCK? If not you should do so now. If you can't kiss this individual then call them, email them, and inform them just how much you love and appreciate them.