Getting Back To Good

I decided that I am going to make this Blog unlike my last one, as interactive as I can for my few readers.

Today I decided was going to be a day of therapy for me. Today was all about getting back to me, connecting with me, getting back to good. There are so many aspects that define me and I haven’t connected with any of those things in a real long time.

Wendy is a very good friend of mine she has gone bicycling with me a few times and has been a very good friend to me. You can visit her website and discover what kind of a wonderful person she is for yourself.

http://wendita.com/index.php

I feel very fortunate and privileged that she considers me a friend. Click on the video below and see what she did for me.

Dave’s Killer Bread. Click on the video and discover the kind of bread that Dave makes

So if Dave can get his life back together after being in prison for 15 years, then why can’t I get myself together too?

I’ve slacked off on bicycling for the last two weeks. Not to say that I haven’t bicycled, just not as much. I was happy to discover that I hadn’t lost any fitness. I wanted to show how I prepare to go bicycling and talk a little about the things that make up me.

That bicycle is one of my favorite bicycles I ever had. I’m just showing my drawing pad why I love to draw.

Ever since I lost my last job I feel like I am washed out, that my life is washed out. I’m talking about when I was a customer service rep for a porn company. Not the stupid warehouse job that I lost. But even that job I could not keep. I mean I got fired from that job even. Because that job required me to concentrate and focus fast, and I have to pay attention to everything that I read when. So even that job and I could not keep. So not only was that a cool place to record a short video, it was great way talk in metaphors and get my feelings out. Because after all today was a therapy day for me.

So if anything, do click on the video below, the washed out road is really cool.

This is a cool video of me recording myself in the reflections of long widows riding my bicycle and through the park. I always wanted to make a video of me riding my bicycle like you would discover on Youtube.com. So this is kind of like that.

Cool video of Lief Erikson, I am assuming you know who Lief was right? This video is a very cool statue of him. I spent an hour drawing that statue today. It was the 1^st time I’ve drawn in a year. Was great therapy for me.

I am no longer as depressed as I once was. I just hope that people can read my Blog and listen to these videos and understand what it is like for people who have severe disabling AD/HD. I explain a lot of things about myself, and really talk about my feelings a lot in this video.

After I got home I made the rest of these videos. I feel like I made a real break through today, that I really connected with myself. I need to discover how I am going to become productive again and rejoin the work force successfully. However I am going to get through my rehabilitation, I need to figure that out.

When I decided to lose 100 pounds there was a defining moment for me. There was second in time where I decided that nothing or anybody was going to keep me from my goal. I did not care what it took, how I was going to do it, I just knew that I was going to achieve my goal

Today was all about finding that defining moment, rediscovering me. Getting back to those aspects that make up my personhood, and discovering that inner fortitude to accomplish what I need to do to get well.

I decided to add this very last video because I just did not like the way I was going to end this blogisode.

So I made this one which I think ends things nicely. But I'll end this journal entree with something even better.

Regardless of how one may feel about Pop Music, this song says so much, explains a lot how I feel.

"Everyone gets caught up in the pressure of the pain."

Matchbox Twenty "Back To Good."

Really frustrating day for me.

That image really says it all, which is how I felt all day.

So I spent most of the day unmedicated today. Last week I was taking my medicine and for the 1^st time in my life I experienced real relief. Words cannot describe what it is like for me. One week I can hardly think or focus on anything and then the following week I have a new brain. My wife is supportive of me becoming more organized. She wants our house to be more organized as well so I was working on that all day.

However I ran out of medication today. Click on the video below to discover what my day was like.

One would think that pharmacies would have enough of this kind medication in supply. I mean I cannot be the only person in Seattle that is taking Adderall.

What Top Drawer Is All About.

My name is Shane and you're looking at my AD/HD rehabilitation journal.

So I think you may be asking yourself what is Top_Drawer all about anyway?

Below is an actual picture of my top dresser drawer. If you look close you could see that I have a neck tie stuffed in there

Upon closer look one could see that there are also two different types of underarm deoderants in there. There is also scented oil, bicycle intertubes, and an Ipod charger.

I decided to scatter the contents of my drawer on the floor so people could get a better visual. There are gloves in that mess, batteries, a belt, and a sock. What am I going to do with single sock? I have no clue. There are shades down there, a note pad, black liquorices Altoids, and Adderall which is my AD/HD medication.

I am going to ask you to take a moment please and gaze further into that mess. Discover that which is not easily detected. If you're complying with my request you would then you may realize what it is like to live inside my head. My mind is a disjointed, scattered, and enormously messy.

Normal people utilize the top drawer to store their underware and socks. However I’ve never been capable of defining myself as a normal person. I cannot pay attention to where I set items down long enough to recall later where they're stored. Things like shades, belts, underarm deoderant, and Altoids. So instead of searching aimlessly for these elusive itmes I decided a good solution would be to just stuff everything in my

"TOP_DRAWER."

"This is me, yes I am a little upset. I just started taking my medication and the side effects causes irritability."

Normal people do not conduct themselves like that. Normal people can keep track of where they place their Altoids, or Ipod charger. I wish that I could be considered as normal too.

"The picture above are my friends celebrating the fact that I had lost 100 pounds. Yes I used to be 100 pounds over weight. I can transform my body by force of will and hard work. However I cannot use those same principles to evolve my mind."

After I was diagnosed with severe and disabling AD/HD it was like being struck with a sledge hammer. I do not want to be disabled. However it was also a relief.

I wish I could explain to people what it is like to live in my head. How painful it is for me to work so hard and never achieve success. Do you know how humiliating it is for me to come home and face my wife with the news that I had lost another job? Can you imagine telling your significant other four to five times a year that you had lost yet again another job. I do. I know what that is like.

I would tell my wife that I would just get another job and work even harder at that job. I did do that too. I worked harder than my coworkers and out performed my entire department. I was aware that I had AD/HD, I just convinced myself that I was not going to let that fact prevent me from being successful. Inevitably my superiors would all terminate my employment because I was guilty of making so many mistakes. I've since then been enlightened to the fact that if hard work alone could do away with AD/HD nobody would have it. One cannot by force of will do away with a neurological disorder.

I want what other normal people desire out of life. I want to pursue that which contributes to my own happiness. I want to work and contribute to my household. I want to make my wife proud of me, because right now I don't believe that she is. I do not want to feel stupid and worthless all the time. But most of all I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. My psychiatrist believes that I can make a full recovery and reclaim my life. My symptoms will never fully disapear, but they will become more manageable. However I will never be normal and I just have to learn how to accept that fact.

Watch the video and get kind of an idea what it is like to live in my head.

Now that I am properly medicated my wife and I are cleaning up and organizing our house. This is just a piece of the work we have to do so far."

April 7 I went to D.V.R (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) to discover if I could qualify for services. When a person applies for aide from DVR a case counselor will evaluate the severity of the applicants' disability and determine the appropriate designation. My disability warranted that my case should be classified as category one. Which meant my case will be considered as a high priority. Next Month on the 14th my vocational rehabilitation will begin.

Yesterday during my session with my psychiatrist I told her that I've experienced real relief that for the 1st time in my life. I informed that I can finally focus and concentrate without great effort. She told me that she believes that I am properly medicated. Being properly medicated is only a part of the process on the road to rehabilitation. The other part is learning to adopt positive behavior. I need to train myself how to become organized and that task is so overwhelming and incredibly difficult for me. Right now as I am writing this for my blog it is 11:23 in the morning and I haven't eaten breakfast yet. Not having an appetite is one of the side effects of the medication I am taking.

I am properly medicated now and the symptoms of my AD/HD are not so intense for me, I have begun the process rehabilitation. I am going to get my life under control. I wish I could say that I am going to get my life "BACK" under control. The truth of the matter is that my life has never been under control. Its my goal to become a productive member of society.

I am making this blog both as therapy and to chronicle my rehabilitation process. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. losing 100 pounds is easier than it is going to be rehabilitating the way I think and live. My entire life I conducted myself like a devestating train wreck. For the 1st time in my life I have my mind under control. Now that I can think clearly I need to educate myself how to operate as a thinking entity. I do not know to act now that I am not a slave to impulse all the time.

This is going to a long and dificult journey. I am positive that I will be able to accomplish my goal of becoming productive. I am sure I'll be able to achieve success too. However nothing I've done thus far in life has compared to how important this is going to be.

Writing in this blog is on my master list of things to do daily. Please check back and see how my progess is coming along.