Interviewing Wife, dificulties having spouse with AD/HD

Dear Friends and Family

I am encouraging all of you to take 40 minutes and watch an interview I had conducted with Jenny (my wife). I had originally made this video four days ago and posted it on Youtube but they do not allow anything to be posted that is over 15 minutes long. So I had to edit the video into five different installments titled "Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD. Part 1 - 5" In the interview we discussed how difficult it has been for her being the pillar and support of our family while I am rehabilitating. I made the video for our friends and family that have expressed concern about me. Also for those of you whom I may never meet but you visit my blog (www.mytopdrawer01.blogspot.com) leave comments, and are following my progress. I wanted to show all of you that we're doing alright, we're getting through this tribulation together, and we're going to make it. I wanted all of you to see the better side of me, well actually you only get to get to hear her. The Grand Wizard behind the curtain.

Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 1


Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 2



Interviewing my wife, managing husband with AD/HD part 5


Usually I make journal entry's on my blog that are very personal. I am brutally honest about myself and very revealing. I do this as a way to record my rehabilitation progress and as a form of therapy. When I have completed my rehabilitation with D.V.R. (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) and my life living skills, I want to remember and visualize just how much progress I've made. To accomplish that goal I need to be honest with myself and with the world. Also if there is a possibility that somebody else may be going through the exact same thing that I am. If there is the slightest chance that I can help such an individual, just knowing that they are not alone, that I am experiencing the exact same thing that they are. It is my fondest hope that I may offer them assistance in their struggle. Even if my contribution may prove to be small, having the knowledge that they, that we, are not isolated nor alienated is a big measure of hope for recovery. I find solace in the possibility that my experiences may help somebody that I would otherwise never reach without transparent honesty and my blog.

I did not show Jenny on any of the videos, you can only see me during the entire interview and hear Jenny's voice. As I said earlier I am not asking questions that are overly personal, had I done that she would never have agreed to the interview. However I am showing a side of me, a side of us, that makes me the most fortunate man alive today.

For those of you who share my neurological disorder and whom I'll probably never meet in person, the person answering these questions is no different than your significant other or spouse. She experiences every hardship and tribulation that I endure. She does that while keeping a marriage and a family in a cohesive state. The kind of character and internal fortitude that my wife displays is nothing less than true strength personified. For those of you who visit my blog and on ADDER World, take 40 minutes and listen to the most intelligent, compassionate, understanding, and strongest person in my life. Until now all I've ever done is talked about her. Now you have the chance to listen to her for yourself.

Also if you have a spouse or significant other that is your own pillar of strength and support. These two videos would be ideal for them to listen to. I asked Jenny what she has done to help me but herself as well. I must admit and I am not saying this because she is my wife, she has a lot of fantastic ideas and advice.

One more thing before I end this journal entry. We who have this neurological disorder understandably get preoccupied with just struggling and coping with our disabilities. We cannot avoid getting wrapped up in everything we must endure to just live each day to the next. Rehabilitating, learning positive habits, unlearning negative coping skills, is overwhelming I know this all too well. However if we're fortunate enough to have somebody that loves us and is supportive, then all of our tribulations and hardships are theirs as well. Plus this person of support has the responsibility to keep a household in a cohesive state. Can you imagine how difficult it must be for them? Can you imagine how much strength that they need to have just to get through their day? They do not have the luxury of deciding if they have the internal fortitude each and every day, it's imperative that they must have it. They need to hear nearly every day how much they are loved and appreciated. Have you kissed your wife or significant other lately and thanked them for being your PILLAR, your ROCK? If not you should do so now. If you can't kiss this individual then call them, email them, and inform them just how much you love and appreciate them.

I made music video of the morning I came to terms with disability.

This is a short music video.


The morning I came to terms with having AD/HD and being disabled was a defining moment for me. My depression that i was in was over and I felt a lot better.

Today I am going Sircrazy. Discover my average day being disabled with AD/HD and see for yourself how mundane, menial, and frustrating it is for me.

Today I feel like I am going insane. Why? I feel like I am going batty today because I just really wanted to go bicycling on a long 50-80 mile ride. I love bicycling. Other than creating art, bicycling is my favorite thing todo.

I am so sick of being couped up in the house while my wife labors to keep our lives together. I am so sick of waiting to get things going with DVR too. I want to get on the road to recovery and gaining control of my life. Sitting at home doing nothing knowing that my wife is working hard. It just makes me feel so useless and worthless.

However, when I am bicycling and exercising intense veracity and my blood is pumping so hard that I can feel the THUMP, THUMP. THUMP, in my neck, I feel fantastic. Breathing the fresh cool air in the morning also makes me feel fantastic. All of my problems seem to disappear when I am engaged in bicycling. Bicycling has enriched and enhanced my life in so many different ways. It is more than a tool to maintain my fitness, its my therapy, it's my passion, its a love affair. When I can't bicycle, I get very irritated.

So what am I going to do with myself today. (LOL) I already looked at all of the good internet porn over the last 2 months. Nothing new or exciting there.

I know, why not show all of you my average day being disabled and see for yourself how mundane, menial, and frustrating it is for me.



Its raining in Seattle today.


Its a myth that Seattle gets a whole lot rain every day. But it does rain more here than other parts of the United states. I really, really, wanted to get out of the house today and go on a huge long bicycle ride. But if I can help it I will not ride my bicycle in the rain. Perhaps one of these days I should just say the hell with it and go riding in the rain anyway. I remember this one time riding to Kevin and Shellies house that it was pouring outside and I rode to their house anyway. I showed up soaked, and I got their hardwood floors all wet.


Making breakfast.


What else is there to do today? Other than blog about my usual day being disabled?


I do not know how stay at home moms, or other people who are disabled do this.


There is absolutely nothing, I mean nothing on TV. I have over 500 channels of shit.


(LOL) This my journal of descent into madness.


Elllen dancing. Do people actually enjoy watching Ellen dance.


More of Ellen dancing.


Actually I may regret admitting this later. But I do enjoy watching Ellen, but not her dancing. I like her ethical code of conduct and character.


My cat meowing.


That cat drives me insane at times. She will stay at that door and other doors just meowing "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" "meow" until I let her in or out. She learned that if she does that long enough I will give in. Later she will just stand outside the closed door wanting back in and do the same thing over again until I let her in.


One of the other things I do during the day is go on Adder World.




http://adderworld.ning.com

Adder World is a social networking site that is designed for people with AD/HD. I love contributing to this forum but it does not kill the endless monotony that I go through each day,

1st Support Group Meeting

Tonight I attended a support group for the first time. I also experienced what it’s like to be truly alone.

While I was attending the meeting tonight I could not help but to fidget in my seat and tap my foot continually. I knew that I had this meeting tonight; I had marked it in my daily planner, my Outlook calendar, and on my online calendar as well. However for all my planning I did not prepare directions or medication. (sigh) I really get discouraged with myself at times.

Paying attention to everybody that was sharing their personal experiences coping with their symptoms was a challenge for me. However I managed well enough and I noticed that every that was in attendance at the meeting had one thing in common with each other. That is with everybody but me. The discoursed that they were sharing dealt with the challenges they have met maintaining active employment. Some of them have kept their jobs for two years, five years, and one guy even managed to keep his job for nineteen years. NINETEEN YEARS! He felt that he was underemployed.

I can’t even remain employed for four months, let alone two years. I realized that I was a minority in that room. I finally spoke up and said “I do not mean to be a negative asshole about myself. But I’ve finally realized just how ****** I am.” I added that I’ve gone through one marriage. The one person who was supposed to love me the most said that I was stupid and asked why I was the way I am. I continued on and said since 1992 I’ve been incapable of holding a job for longer than four months. That I would go through five to six jobs a year. I would be happy with just keeping one of those jobs, even if it meant being underemployed. I said a lot of other things that I’ve already mentioned on this blog before.

The defining aspect of that meeting was so glaringly obvious to me tonight. I was not like them, I am singularly different then all of them. In a room full of people who are afflicted with AD/HD and ADD I was still different than my peers. I stood out. I took a moment just now staring at all the words on this Outlook page before I cut and paste it too my blog. I was not reading anything I had written; I was merely staring and thinking. My contemplations are filled with negative sentiments about myself.

My entire life I have always been different then other people because of my disability. Tonight I was in a room full of people who all have AD/HD and how sad is it that I am still different then all of them. How pathetic is my state of affairs that I still stood out.

My psychiatrist frustrates me

My psychiatrist is really useless. She never listens to me, she interrupts me, and when I have a real problem that I want to tell her about she just ignores me. I do not know how many times I've told her that yes I have a son, yes he has AD/HD, yes I have a daughter, yes she has ADD. I told her that now that I am medicated I am having real complications in my life and she just says "Mmmhm tell me more about this psychologist you're going to see. I had already told her that I am being sent by DVR as a part of my rehabilitation program.

The only thing that she is good for is writing prescriptions.

Let things go.

It has come to my attention that I just need to chill out. My mother-inlaw was worried that I am just getting way too worked up over small things. She offered me some wonderful advice that I do intend on taking under deep consideration and remembering. If something has me upset I now have the ability to focus on it and decide if it is really worth getting upset about.



So this is my official kick off just chilling out. However it is difficult for me but, not impossible, because my medication causes me to be irritable at times. It also just amplifies my emotions. I am learning to work through it.


"That which does not kill us only makes us stronger"
Frederich Nietzsche

I remembered an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation the other day while I was reflecting upon past events. It was a Picard centric episode where Q was showing him what his life would had been like had he not been stabbed in the heart. Picard then received an artificial heart. Q showed Picard that he would never have had the same courage, ambition, not afraid to fail, and he would never had the drive to succeed. Remembering that installment made me wonder if I had not been afflicted with AD/HD my entire life, would I have the same character that I now possess today. The will to succeed no matter how many times I fail. The ability to get back up after I've been knocked down and out. I seriously doubt that I would.

"If it does not kill you, it will only make you stronger." I pulled through every tumulus event in my life. Granted I did have assistance at times. But for the most part I only had myself to rely on. I had no other option at my disposal. What was I going to do? Just stay down and give up? What people do after they get beat up by life and knocked to the ground is what defines them. That is how people are going to remembered.

I never realized that until just recently. We are defined by our past experiences and it is through hardships and tribulations that we learn how to construct lasting and real character. So if something is not worth expelling energy over, let it go. Save your emotions for something that will require your attention.

Thanks Chris

One of the worst days in my life.

I just got back from bicycling half way across Seattle and back again. The weather was perfect and I felt fantastic. Too bad the meeting that I was scheduled to keep I really wasn't looking forward to. Recently I've gone through my comic book collection and I've been advertising them on Craig's List and I am preparing to auction them on Ebay as well. I jus t s old some my prized possessions at a price that would make any comic book collector’s mouth drop to the floor. A few of those comic books I've had since I was a teenager. I cannot describe the intense pain that I felt inside, it hurt me so deeply to part with my Wolverines and Spider Man. I wanted to just turn and walk out of that cafe. And after I sold them I wanted to chase the collector down screaming at the top of my lungs "no, no, stop, oh please for all that is good in this world NOOOOOOOooooo! I changed my mind."



Today is literally one of the worst monumental biggest days of my life that I will remember for as long as I am alive. I am not exaggerating at all, I could not be more serious. I am going to mourn this day, mark it on my calendar, and remember it every year for as long as I am alive. And each passing generation it will be one of my dying wishes that this day be remembered. Do you think I am over dramatizing this? Please understand that I am not. Today is one of the saddest days of my life.

There are probably four days that I can mark in my life that I will never forget because it hurt me so much. The day that my grandmother died. The day that I got divorced from my 1st wife. And the day that I heard the judge say "the mother shall be the custodial parent and children shall reside with her. The father shall have visitation rights every other weekend and holidays." I was reduced to a part time father and all of my dreams, hopes, and aspirations were crushed. And today is the fourth day that I will mourn for as long I shall live. The day that I left my ex wife and the life that I created with her I had packed my car with every meager possession that I owned. I took my clothes, my car, and god damnit I had my comic books. Matter of fact my comic books were worth more than my car was then. My comic books are still worth more than the car I have today. They're worth more than the bicycles I depend on for transportation too. And anybody that knows me can attest to the fact that I spend a lot of money to maintain my bicycles, because I do rely so heavily on them for my health and transportation. You may take the liberty of comparing my relationship with comic books to that of a love affair. Because that is almost what its like for me, it has been an affair that is kind of secret but not really. However I've never educated anybody how deeply I love comic books. I was afraid that they would think that I was being childish and silly for being so obsessed. Every serious relationship I've been involved in since high school and that includes my ex wife and current marriage. I've concealed my abiding love affair with comic books. So that may give you some idea as to how long I've been collecting comic books and what they mean to me, every single one of them. Granted I do not collect like I once did, but I never really stopped our love affair.




I was of the age of 10, I may have been 12 years old. I remember the day so vividly and intimately when my love affair with comic books had begun. My first comic book, was resting on my lap that my mother had just purchased for me at the gift shop of a Seattle hospital. Earlier my mother wanted a bottle of Coca Cola to quench her thirst so we stopped at the gift shop. Little did I know my moment of destiny was going to be realized. As my mothers beverage and other items were being calculated my child eyes had rested upon the one comic book that has determined the events of my life to this very day. When I saw the printed media on the news stand I was entranced and needed to have it. I eagerly grabbed the magazine and I requested that my mother add it amongst her purchases. It was good thing that she complied because I was not going to accept no as an answer. After we had departed from the gift shop my mother and I were sitting in a waiting room anticipating the time when my name would be called for an EKG. My first grade teacher noticed that I would frequently be in a daze. After many doctor appointments and tests I was diagnosed with petty-maul Epilepsy. I was in the hospital that day for one of those numerous procedured. As I was looking through the pages of my new comic book I did not comprehend how so much excitement could be printed upon such the flimsy news print. The pages were leaping up at me and I could identify that a story was unfolding upon my lap. As I my small fingers were thumbing through the printed media I became unaware that there was world beyond the pages of my newly purchased comic book. It was as if everything had come to a complete halt and my tiny boy-hood ears did not register the octaves of the hospital transpiring all around me. It was as if everything in world had stopped and I could not take my eyes away from the pictures that were obviously conveying a story that had been preordained for me to see. My adolescent mind perceived that the events of my life had all been predestined and culminated to the day that I would be sitting in that Seattle hospital waiting room with mother and my comic book. I can still remember the title; it was Ghost Rider series one #3. Or it may have been Alpha Flight #19. I knew then that comic books would occupy a special place in my heart and mind. I was so secure in this knowledge that I knew nothing else would or could ever take its place or even compare. The magnitude to which comic books would enrich and enhance my life I was completely ignorant of.

What a cruel joke the powers that be had played upon me that day. I had my comic book nestled against my tiny lap and I was incapable of reading it. When I was a child my class mates taunted me relentlessly because I did not read very well. My mother refused to read my newly discovered passion that day and every day that proceeded. She always said to me that if I wanted to know what the words were in the bubbles, what the characters were saying, I had to read it for myself. I still have that 1st comic book that my mother purchased for me today. During the commute home I was completely engrossed in my comic book while my mother drove the 36 miles. I immediately retreated to the confines of my bedroom where I spent the remainder of that day sounding out the syllables in every bubble on all the panels and pages. It took me one long frustrating week to read my very 1^st comic book but I did read it eventually and I completed that task all on my own accord. I was informed by mother that if I wanted a new comic book I had to first demonstrate my newly discovered skills which I promptly did. My imagination was expanding as I received three or four new comic books at a time. I escaped to my bedroom which I imagined was my personal Bat Layer. My small mouth repeated the process again when I labored to construct the letters into words that were in the bubbles on all twenty of the pages that contained the elusive story. Over an extended period of time my reading skills improved and I raised my grades from D- to C+ and B-s. Unfortunately the frequent harassment my school mates visited upon me never ceased. After enduring those long days and constant bullying I was subjected to, I would nurture my blossoming relationship with comic books. My collection of printed media that I accrued did not match passionate affection I had for them. I could never bring myself to discard any of my comic books because they were my comic books and mine alone. My father would often trespass in my Bat Layer and take one of my comic books to read while he bathed. The thought of all that moisture collecting upon the pages of MY COMIC BOOKS filled me with rage. I was also jealous of anybody touching my comic books but me. One of the other many gifts I received from my love affair with comic books is that I became an artist myself. I was reading Conan the Barbarian one day while laying on my Bat Bed and as I turned one of the final pages I saw the most incredible pinup that my eyes had ever beheld. I inspected the amazing drawing closely and I was confident that I could draw it. I got a large piece of paper from somewhere and I set my mind to drawing that picture. Over time copied other pictures and my father purchased my 1st real drawing pencil for me that still I have inside of my art supplies today. I've worn it down to barely a nub that is slightly bigger than my 1st knuckle on pinky finger but I kept it. I traded those same drawings with my friends in the neighborhood for a brown bomber leather jacket that was too small for me. Later my friend’s parents saw the drawing and he got in trouble for having satanic pictures and they made him destroy one of 1st drawings (stupid fundies). My pictures that I copied from comic books were hung in my JR High School. The artist that I am today is the direct influence that comic books have had over my life.

Comic books provided me an entry way into separate world that Stan Lee or Bob Kane created. I could ride a silver surf board with the Silver Surfer and deny the will of the planet destroyer called Galactus. Or I could join Conan as he got drunk and womanized. Later when the worshiper of Crom sobered up I would join him as he cleaved the Devourer of Souls down the middle with a battle ax or with the sword of his dead father. When I wanted something on a slightly smaller scale I would join the Micronauts in an alien universe called Microverse and watch as they foiled the latest plan of Baron Karza. For my personal finale I would join Charles Xavier as he sat in his wheelchair and bravely led the X Men on mission to deliver humanity that despised all of mutant kind from a sinister plot that Magneto devised. Every news print page that I turned held either the salvation or the demise of the planet. The 20 page stories that unfolded in front of me were my 1st real love in life. The love affair I had with comic books was my one and only form of escapism that I had. The love I have for comic books is something that I've been nurturing and fostering my entire life. When the tantalizing story I was reading had concluded I knew it would be another 20 days before our flames would be rekindled. Next I would then retreated to the confines of my own alien world that I created with my own pencils and I was the lord over all I surveyed. I alone was god over the characters and landscapes that I sketched and I controlled the fate of everything. I still have those drawings and comic books that I drew and created as teenager.

I feel like I've betrayed my first love. I have a sense that my beloved is sharing our intimate moments right now that were once reserved for me. Those quite moments we spent late at night by the moonlight when nobody was watching us and it was school night and I supposed to be sleeping. I would carefully lick my finger tips with just enough moisture to turn the delicate pages so that I would not stain them or create a bend that would damage fragile newsprint. I am really jealous that somebody else is enjoying the pleasures those pages brought to me. I cannot help but to feel like I have a strong sense of ownership over that, like I have it patented.

So if you read all of that then maybe you’re willing to discover why I sold my beloveds today. My wife has sacrificed so much to make sure that I am going to get the help that I need to gain control of my life from AD/HD. I am not brining in an income and I want to contribute to our home as much as I can. I wanted to give something back to Jenny, and I had this opportunity to do it that for her. Selling some of my prized comic books was the very least that I could do for my wife who has sacrificed so much to make sure that I will get well. I am devoted to my rehabilitation and I am going to do absolutely anything that it takes to insure my success. The sacrifice that I made today and am going to do with the rest of my collection is necessary. This is a fact, SO BE IT.

So be it. I like that. I think that is going to be my new motto for my recovery. “Hey Shane what is needed for your rehabilitation? Anything that is required of me. SO BE IT.

Obama has “Yes We Can!”

I have SO BE IT. I think its kind of catchy in a way.

I just wish that sacrificing something you love a lot that means a lot to you, did not hur t s o incredibly much.

I am returning to Buddhism again.

First let me start this blog journal entry off by stating that I am an ATHEIST. The word “atheist’ was all capitalized because I feel for the purposes of this post I establish right away my philosophical world view. I am very well educated to what that word “atheist” implies. Philosophy really is the art of thinking, and the word atheist simply means without a god or gods. I am not one of those atheists that are pissed off at my perception of god, or an angry ex-Christian. I’m also not one of those atheists that is undecided if there is a god or not. I can already see some of your mental gears and wheels turning in your heads. Yes it is true, I do not know if there are or is a Supreme Being that some people call God or Gods. I do not know if such an omnipotent and omniscience entity exists. “Well then Shane, mister know it all, that makes you an agnostic then. You’re not an atheist at all.” Like I said earlier in this paragraph I am knowledgeable to what the word “atheist” implies. I do not care whether or not a Supreme Being exists or not. This supposed all powerful entity or entities does not even do my laundry, pay my bills, or even cook for me. There is no evidence that a supernatural being has interjected or guided my existence in a divine what so ever. Because of those reasons I am left with the conclusion that there is no God or Gods. Thus I do not offer my allegiance or my devotion to any God or Gods. So by definition of the word atheist “without a God or Gods” I can be considered an atheist.

Now that that is out of the way let me get to topic of this thread.

The books that helped me the most are not necessarily self help books. The books I read are mostly philosophical in nature and science books. Books like Frederich Nietzsche, The Genealogy of Morals and Charles Darwin The Origin of Species and The Descent of Man. I read more contemporary science books as well. Authors like Stephen Jay Gould, The Structure of Evolutionary Theory, Ian Tattersal, The Fossil Trail, and Robert Broom, Getting Here. I also like reading about what our great American forefathers had to say so I read the memoirs of Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin. When I want something a little more on the lighter side I like to read science fiction. My favorite novels are Frank Herbert’s, Dune, Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451, and Philip K Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric sheep. All of those books have philosophical messages that the reader can really gain insight from about life in general.

Because I had suffered from a very poor self esteem I felt a profound need to expand upon my knowledge. I completed reading philosophical books like The Genealogy of Morals and The Art of War. Next I added science books to personal library and when I finished reading them I had learned a lot, and yet I was also left with what seemed to me like very profound questions. So it was at that juncture in my life that I felt an uncontrollable need to discover what my place in this world was. Who are we? Why are we the only sentient species inhabiting this third rock from the sun ? What is our purpose in life? What is life all about? Why are we here?

I wanted to become more intelligent because I drastically needed to build upon my self image. However at that point in my life the quest that I had embarked upon seemed to like it had ended at an impasse. I arrived at an intellectual fork in the road. One road would yield more knowledge and education that I desired but it did not even attempt to answer the more interesting questions I had. Then there was other road that did offer some explanations to the inquiries I had at that time. However these supposed solutions were purely speculative, hardly even hypothetical in nature, and in no way based in real science or research.

Let me set another record straight that I am a huge skeptic. I do not accept something as a fact until that which is in question can be empirically confirmed. If claims cannot be verified by scientific research I do not place my confident s or trust in them.

So I decided that the questions I needed answered may be found metaphysical philosophy. Siddhartha, the founding father of modern day Buddhism said a lot of very fascinating things. He taught the Eight Fold Path and the Four Noble Truths. Learning the philosophy of the Buddha offered me a way of thinking, and more importantly a way of life. Buddha espoused that all of us, everything in this world, and even our galaxy is transitory. Because all sentient beings and all things have a temporary nature, it is imperative that their time be spent maximizing their existence. Simply stated, this is the only life we're ever going to have, so you better make the best of it.

Buddhism enriched my life and gave me purpose. Becoming a pupil of the Buddha offered solutions to all of those very interesting questions that we all have. My purpose in life is to be the best me that I can possibly be. I learned that practicing acts of compassion we not only help those we're assisting we ultimately end up enriching our own lives. Mankind should not be charitable towards our fellow man for promises of rewards; instead men and women should assist one another for goodness sake alone. That act of kindness would then leave the benefactor free of debt and allow them to have the capacity to repeat the same process to those who are in need as well.

At one point in my life those were my reading habits and what I had learned, and that is how my life was enriched. It was at that time that I started attending a monastery and I became pupil of the philosophy of the Buddha. I took refuge in the Buddha and Sangha and according Buddhism I was considered a Buddhist. I devoted my life to the teachings of the Buddha and it was not until I acted upon the knowledge that I gained that I acquired an education about my purpose in life.

Last night my wife and I went to the grocery store to get dinner. While we were leaving I saw these statuettes of the Buddha in the garden center. Well actually they were not the Buddha, they were Hoatia. They laughing fat guy most people associate as the Buddha is not Siddartha. That is not important right now for the purpose of this entry. I commented to Jen that I liked those figurines and that I wanted one of them. It was while we were going down the elevator that remembered everything that Buddhist philosophy did for me. How Buddhism both enriched and enhanced my life. It occurred to me that that way of living must be a lifestyle choice for me again. I knew how was going to recover from the devastation that AD/HD caused in my life. I am so confident in my decision that not following through with my plans will never be a viable option. The tools Buddhist philosophy can offer me are going will play an intricate role in my rehabilitation. I feel a PROFOUND need to return Buddhism. I believe that this is going to be a FUNDAMENTALLY important to my recovery and ultimately my rehabilitation. My mind is made up, I am going to do this.

When I was at a very unhappy point in my life, I was also the most at peace. I was working in a warehouse that I profoundly disliked. I had to get up at 4:15 AM so that I may catch the bus and start my commute. After spending two hours on two separate busses, I would then walk two miles just to get to work. Then while I was working I had to endure the abuse of my superior who was a very negative and unhappy woman. This person had no right being in the position of power over employees because she did not even know correct procedures while searching their personal belongings that she suspected of theft. One day she assumed that I had placed company property in my backpack and she proceeded to inspect my baggage in front of my entire department and coworkers.

I continued getting up in the early AM hours every day, I walked the two miles every day, and I did abide the horrible working conditions every day. I did all of that because to a certain degree that AD/HD would allow my mind was at peace. Buddhism offered me a way to not be at odds while engaged in an environment that was very negative. Buddhism empowered me; it allowed me to be in a peaceful state of mind. I need to return to that philosophy once again. I must go back to a way of living that can give me the tools needed to rehabilitate and gain control over all the dysfunction that AD/HD and my destructive habits caused.

I said earlier on in this blog that I am an atheist and that I am a huge skeptic. Those two facts have not changed at all. Buddhism does not make claims that a Supreme Being exists. Any demi-gods that Buddhism says exists are extensions of our own selves. Buddhism teaches that universal karmic law is a fact and that we all have had past lives. Perhaps karma is true and maybe I was a slug, duck, or the queen of Sheba in a past life. It would be wonderful to have the chance to eat chocolate again, have sex again, love the people closest to me again, and fall in love with my wife all over again. It is my fondest hopes and desires that everything that I just said above is all true. The word “hopes” does not mean “faith” the two words are the exact polar opposite from each other. I do not live my life by faith but by trust and confidence. I do not have faith that the ignition key on my vehicle will work because I conducted, observed, and repeated that process many time.

Everything, this whole entire long post is leading up to this moment. I AM GOING TO BECOME A BUDDHIST AGAIN! That does not mean I will wear robes. It does mean I am going to attend a monastery again. It does not mean I will shave my head, and if I do its not because I am a Buddhist. It does not mean I am no longer an atheist and it does not mean I am no longer a skeptic. It does mean I am returning to a way of life that brought me happiness, clarity, and peace of mind. I need this in my life now more than ever before.

Like Kevin.

It’s not really difficult for me to say who my closest and dearest friend is in this world. That person is my wife of course. That is not a cliché patented answer, it’s the truth. Other than my wife my closest and dearest friend in this world is also a woman named Shellie. I was given the privileged honor of being considered as one her friends while living in Tacoma WA 5 years ago (five years! It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long.) Since that Shellie moved to Seattle, married, and is now pregnant (due July 8th) to a wonderful person whom I talked about before. His name is Kevin and today I am going to dedicate this part of my journal to him.

Webster defines Character:
3. The inherent complex of attributes that determine a persons moral and ethical actions and reactions: "education has for its object the formation of character"- Herbert Spencer.

I felt that it was pertinent that I establish that definition first before I attempted to describe Kevin. I say that because he is a man that is not in any way shape or form transparent. He is a very complex person that has many different layers that comprise his personhood. Which isn’t surprising to me at all because his wife (Shellie) is as equally complex.

Yesterday I helped my good friend Shellie and her

husband move, and today I really feel it in my arms.

It was hot and everybody got really sweaty. As you

can see in these videos and photos. Mason whom I just

met yesterday worked his off, well we all did, but man did he work.

Kevin stacked nearly the entire inside of that truck himself.

We carried all the boxes to him, but he stacked nearly all of

it himself. We all helped with the big stuff though. Shellie is

8 months pregnant and she was made to sit down and just

put her feet up. I did not take any photos or videos of her.

First I would have to say that Kevin is a man that has the strength of his character. There are so many positive attributes to his character; I find it very difficult to list them all. Kevin’s sense of morality is very well matched his perception of justice. His ethical codes of conduct are woven into individuality to the point that they cannot be dissected. It begs repeating again that it’s not surprising to me at all that Shellie married him.

KEVIN FEELS! I typed that all in capitals and in bold print because I want the reader to understand what I am trying to illustrate with words. I do not mean to sound like a broken record, but Kevin’s emotions, his feelings, are very complex to describe. Kevin is in touch with his emotions on a very deep and personal level, which makes him very. He feels absolutely everything. Kevin's compassion for the people closest to him is only matched by his love for them. Matter of fact I believe that these two emotions alone overwhelm him on a monumental level at times. My friends love for life brings excitement and joy to all that come into contact with him. One does meet Kevin, they encounter Kevin.

When Kevin confronts obstacles, situations, and problems he is very methodical is his plan of execution. Most people go about accomplishing a task with some idea how they are going to complete it. Not Kevin! He is like a grand chess player where every move is already carefully planned out. When Kevin goes about accomplishing his goals, he does so with iron willed determination. He will not be detoured from his plan, and the word “can’t” is not a part of his vocabulary. On that thought I have to add one more thing my friend. Like everything else, Kevin Feels! He feels situations, problems, and obstacles, which makes it all very personal for him.

This video of this pond was dug out by hands

and sweat. Shellie likes to joke around that the

pond nearly divorced her and Kevin. But very

amazing to look at.

This pond really is a testament to how hard the two

of them work. They deserve all of the happiness

that they can get.

Not everybody who Kevin ask ed to help
him move showed up. Those that did show
up he was very thankful for.

People like his JR high sweetheart with the dark hair.

Kevin asked that I go around and take pictures of everybody.
He jokingly requested that I get pictures of the girls kissing.

So here they are Kevin, locking lips. I am
joking. That picture isn't even them.

I am really going to miss this house that Kevin and Shellie

lived in.I used to bicycle to there house rain or shine.

We had many BBQ’s in their back yard. We walked to the

beach on the 4^th of July.(sigh) Sad.

Here is a picture of sweaty hard working Mason.

That Guy is not afraid of hard work at all. I was very, very,

happy that Mason was there to help Kevin. Because I would

have had to help Kevin do some of that heavy lifting. I mean I

did my fair share, but the huge ass stuff they did,

Kevin is a man that can apply himself to any situation and evolve. When he is confronted with a crisis his adaptable nature enables him to persevere. Kevin is the kind of person that is capable of learning everything and anything he wants. I have never seen him not finish something, or complete that which he set out to accomplish. When I first met Kevin he was working in a paint shop, making $12.00 an hour. After he married Shellie he entered into an electrician’s apprenticeship program. He is now making $25.00 an hour and has two years left on his apprenticeship program before he will become a Journey Men. The complex mathematical equations he is learning is absolutely amazing to me.

I never felt like I had to earn the honor of being considered Kevin’s friend. That is exactly how I feel about his friendship too, that it is a privileged honor. I feel that way about all my close friends, but especially so with Kevin. When I am around Kevin I have a feeling like I am in the club. I’m not talking about just any ordinary club either, NO! When we’re together I feel like he is making a part of The Fucking Club Man. Like he is one of those guys. He truly is the prime example of a real mans man. He is not a snob either, he doesn’t believe in classism, and he does not have an elitist personality. However everything that I just said above, I know that those he considers as his closest friends, he didn’t just give that friendship away. The kind companionship that he feels, the close brotherhood he offers to his closest friends. That is not something he just offers to anybody. For Kevin to make that kind of emotional investment in somebody they would need to be very special.

Kevin suggested that he should take the scenic route out West

Seattle to prevent from going down hills and shifting the load.

So Kevin, Mason, and me we’re all riding down this beach in along

Alki in the moving truck. There were a whole lot of bikinis on the

beach and we were verythankful Kevin decided to take that route.

At one point Mason got out of the truck and got us all free
ice cold energy drinks, which we all consumed much later.

Here are some photos of Kevin and Shellie’s new home.

I am very happy for the two of them.

They both deserve, especially Shellie, all the

happiness that they can get.

After the long hot day we all finally got Kevin and

Shellie moved. We could not wait to get the rental

truck returned and go home. At least I got to go

home and relax. Kevin still had to unpack.

Kevin and I get to the moving company and we could

not believe it. The gates were locked and his was inside.

Kevin handled it very well. He politely called the company

corporate head offices and they contacted the manager who

in return called Kevin and we got the truck inside and Kevin

drove me home.

If there was just one person in this world that I would want to be, that individual would be Kevin. If I was Kevin I would be smart and good looking. Which two great attributes to have. If I were him I would then have a huge affinity for life and infect other people with it. If I was Kevin I would have the uncanny ability to adapt. I could make people feel like that they are a part of something special by just being around me. I would make people feel like that they are in THE FUCKING CLUB MAN! If I were Kevin I would be able to work and succeed, and not work at failing all the time. If I were Kevin I would have a wonderful house and great big fucking dog. I am not saying all of that to put myself down. I’m just saying it because it’s the truth. I wish I was like my best friend Kevin.

I felt like a huge asshole yesterday because when we got to Kevin’s new home I went around investigating it for the 1st time. I proceeded down stairs where there is practically another whole entire living unit and I saw his wife sitting on a bed with her feet propped up. I went looking around the huge down stairs, stared out one of the window at their nice back yard, and I started crying. I’m such an asshole. Here I am crying in front of this 8 month pregnant woman, on what should be one of the happiest moments in her life.

I was crying partially because I was happy for her. I mean she has worked so hard to succeed and get that house life. She has finally done that. She has a wonderful husband and a wonderful house. She deserves to be happy. I was also crying for myself, because I had a plan for my life too. Except the plan I had did not include having to work and fail at every job I ever had. It included working hard, and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

I find it increasingly difficult to believe people when they say that I am smart. I don not feel smart at all. I mean it too; I am not saying that just to get attention. Anybody that knows me can attest to that fact. Since I was 20 years old I’ve never been capable of maintaining employment for longer than 6 months. If I could keep a job longer than that I was extremely fortunate. It did not matter how hard worked or tried either. I could not learn fast enough to keep a job. So when people tell me that I am not stupid, or I am one of the smartest people they know. I feel like they are either trying to make me feel good about myself or they do not know me very well.

I’m being brutally honest about myself here. I want to be totally transparent on this journal. I cannot help but to feel that way about myself. My entire life I’ve been beat down time after time AFTER TIME! It never mattered how hard I studied or how much I applied myself I always failed. I wanted and did my absolute best to be different and I just could not change.

I do not know how feel differently about myself.

DVR, starting vocational rehabilitation.

Hello friends.

As some of you may know I have been diagnosed with severe AD/HD and I am currently disabled. Today I had my 1st appointment with D.V.R (department of vocational rehabilitation). I believe that everything is very positive, I feel good about my counselor, and the direction which she guiding everything thus far.

All of the rehabilitation I am going to be undergoing won't do me much good if I cannot learn to manage my daily activities. I do not have basic life skills, I am incapable of surviving on my own right now. From the moment I got up in the morning in the mornings for 36 years, my mind has been assaulted with so many different thoughts and ideas. I was not able and I cannot filter or decipher the overwhelming amount of stimuli and information that my brain receives. For 36 years I've been reacting to impulsive behavior because for the most part I was incapable of thinking about consequences long enough to moderate my actions. So for 36 years I created dysfunction and chaos all around me. In the wake of all that insanity I never learned how to live, how to survive. I mean I never even learned how to wash my own clothes.

D.V.R is providing me with a Independent Living Counselor. This person is going to come to my home and, and...well. teach me how to live. I've already briefly met with this individual and I am very excited about finally learning how to live. The prospect of being educated on how to balance a check book and expenses, its all too much. I am very giddy about all of this. When I started take my medication I tried to sit down and write a schedule that I thought I could follow while I am rehabilitating. However though I am medicated, I just could not focus long enough to think of everything. Having somebody else who can help me achieve that task is going to be so wonderful.

I am also very upset and depressed, about all of this as well. I mean I am 36 years old, I do not have a career, and I am incapable of maintaining employment. In addition to not having a vocation or having capacity to keep a job. In the 36 years that I've been sentient and bipedal, in all that time I never once acquired basic life living skills. If I was left to my own devices tomorrow, I would not know how to survive.

If one word could sum up my existence right now, my personhood, my individuality, can be described as pathetic. I am the institution from which all other think-tanks derive their definition from for how pathetic something or someone is. I know how I must sound right now, and I apologize. If you can, try to imagine yourself as tremendously relieved and at the same time extremely depressed. To complicate things more add hope and excitement to that emotional gambit. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster right now.

I've made my decision on what vocation i would like pursue, no it is not going to be art. However I am positive that I am making a good decision.

Shane

I do not have the answers.

I’ve been getting a lot of emails from mothers, fathers, and wives of people who have AD/HD. And even some people who have it themselves. People asking me for advice, what they can do to help themselves or somebody they care about.

(Freaking Blogger is really pissing me off. I can load this very same video on YouTube a lot faster than it loads on Blogger. And I started uploading on Blogger 1st.)

The truth is is that I do not know, I do not have the answers. I only know what worked for me and how I came to terms with my affliction. I cannot give anybody advice because I barely know myself.

So my best advice for anybody asking what they can do for themselves or somebody they care about. Find a psychiatrist and get on medication.

I start my vocational rehabilitation tomorrow. I am excited about that.

I've suffered enough

I feel like I have finally made a real breath through, I have come to the place in my life where I have come to terms with having severe AD/HD.

It seems like; well at least for me it was this way. I was diagnosed with disabling AD/HD and then I became seriously depressed. Then I entered into an acceptance faze. Then finally I needed to transition into accepting terms with having AD/HD and being disabled. This I discovered was very difficult for me. I did want to be disabled; I have no desire to be like this. I had a plan for my life, and it did not include having severe AD/HD and being disabled. I want what normal people take for granted. Which is the ability to perform their chosen vocation, and maintain active employment.

So coming to terms with having AD/HD has been very difficult for me. I looked for everything else that defined me and said to myself “see AD/HD is not defining you. You are an artist that happens to have AD/HD.” I was just avoiding having to come to terms with my disability, dealing with all of this. Who am I kidding? AD/HD does define who I am.

When I was a child I had a very difficult time learning how to reading. Then my mother purchased comic books for me, and I learned how to read. Then I noticed all of the pictures in these comic books and decided that I could draw like that too. Thus I became an artist.

My teachers and some adults all said that I was stupid and would never amount to anything. So I decided to prove them all wrong and work harder than anybody else in my office. Every job I lost, I worked that much harder on the next job. I developed iron will character.

Because of my AD/HD I cannot drive. Well actually I can drive, I just choose not to do so because I am incapable of paying attention to traffic and the road. I hate taking public transportation so I decided to bicycle everywhere I go. Thus I became an accomplished bicyclist.

The person I am today is because of the trials and tribulations of my past. I am defined by my life lessons. I am an individual that has the strength and fortitude of their character, BECAUSE of AD/HD. I need to embrace who I am and be proud of every aspect of my personhood. There are not a lot of people in this world who can say the same things about themselves.

The only thing that has changed about me is that I am finally diagnosed and aware of the fact that I have disabling AD/HD and that is it. This means I may not have to work so hard at failing anymore. My life may become easier to manage for me now. Plus I am still the individual that lost 100 lbs. I am still a man that has the strength and fortitude of his character.

So I went on a bicycle ride 4:00 AM this morning and I finally came to terms with my disability. Go to my Blog www.mytopdrawer01.blogspot.com and watch my videos. I took some amazing videos all over Seattle.

I actually woke up before 4:00 AM and I could not get back to sleep. I had a million thoughts going through my mind and I could not focus on any of them. I was just feeling sorry for myself because I am disabled. So I decided to get up and go bicycling. When I am bicycling my thoughts slow down enough that I am capable of focusing and ultimately concentrating. It’s the only time that when things make the most sense to me.

I raced up this one hill by my house and when I reached the top I laughed to myself and thought “haha, who else can do that.” And then I realized that I have this fitness because of AD/HD.

(There is a video there...)

(Just play it....)

I finally realized that I needed to embrace everything that contributed to the man I am today. I saw the statue below again, but this time in the darkness of the morning, it had a whole new meaning for me.



My entire life was and is defined by my willingness to take on any challenge head on, and do what ever needed to be done to over come any and all obstacles. Like the vikings, I too had to fight harder than anybody else just to gain what little measure of success I achieved.

I suppose it is the artist in me that looks for visual representations of to describe how I feel.



Which is why when I saw this bridge shrouded in darkness in morning, I needed to stop and just take the moment in.

I never intended for this blog to become another bicycling journal. I created these online chronicles to record my rehabilitation with AD/HD.



However I believe that it is very fitting that I discovered my epiphany, my defining moment, while riding on my bicycle.

I can't imagine a better time then while doing one of the things that defines me the most.

For those of you that do not know where that hill is below. Its a hill in Seattle that is called Stone Way hill. It is exactly one mile long and it is rather steep.



I can now ride up this on my bicycle, standing erect on my pedals, and never stopping once. Plus it is not even that hard for me any more. There was a time when it was extremely difficult for me to ride up that hill. But now, because of AD/HD I have the fitness to do, what most people will never attempt to accomplish.

AD/HD has defined my life, molded me into the man that I am very proud to be. I embrace who I am and what I am. That includes having ADHD.

I finally saw the sunrise and that just helped to bring everything together for me.



I think this really has to be one of my best moments in my life. I finally worked myself out, came to terms with my disability and being disabled.

However there is just one more thing that I must do.

Time to clean and organize my top dresser drawer.



I've been putting this off for a while, I just didn't want to organize my drawer. It seems like such a stupid and insignificant thing. But keeping this drawer a scattered mess was a representation of my old self. Now that I have come to terms with my disability and I am looking forward to the future. It is time that I organize my drawer too.



I am not trying to give the impression I will not be blogging anymore, because that is not the case. I still have D.V.R to go through and I still have a lot of work to do. Its just that I have finally come to a place with myself that I am at more peace with myself. I have suffered enough, it is time to take this sinking ship and move on.

This song means so much to me now, this song helped me to move on, come to terms with my AD/HD and my disability. 05/17/08

The world is just a click away.

Since I’ve been properly medicated I am capable of retaining so much more knowledge. In my quest to become more educated I’ve been learning computer programs and stuff like that.

Its amazing to me what one can do on the internet today. Just yesterday I watching TV in Iraq. Then I wanted to see what traffic was like. Then I wanted to know what the weather was like in Seattle. Then my wife wanted to order pizza. Later that night we sold our a mini trampoline and a printer.

We did all of this by just tapping our fingers on a mouse, and moving our hand two inches to the right and two inches to left. We brought the world to us, and never before in the history of mankind has anybody ever been able to do that, bring the world to us.

I am so happy that I am properly medicated now, that I am able to learn these things. Because before I never had the patients to learn new computer programs. I stuck with the old Yahoo program for so long because I knew it, and I just did not have the patients to learn a new program because it was so hard for me to pay attention. Now that I can learn better, and pay attention, I have a lot more patients.

Wives Thank you

Having technology is so wonderful. I have my cell phone linked up to my Outlook now, which is really helpful. First thing I do when I get up in the morning besides go to the bathroom is check my phone for messages. One of the first things I see is a reminder of what I need to get done. Having AD/HD that is really helpful.

However it has also proved to be a huge distraction. I have my cell phone also linked to my email, and every time that I get a message my phone chimes. So while I am performing what ever task needs to be done, my phone is distracting me.

Speaking of distracting emails. The emails I am receiving has been from a lot of people who have visited my blog because they have seen my posts in the forums. Thank you, it really does mean a lot to me. I understand what you’re going through.

For those of you who have loved ones and significant others with AD/HD I am so, so, sorry. Especially you wives who are so very patient your husbands, I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

TO ALL OF THE WIVES…..THANK YOU!

It is because of my wife that I finally got the help that I desperately needed. Had it not been for her support, her love, and her patients I do not know what or where I would be today? I would probably be in another job desperately trying to do a good job. Working harder then all of my coworkers, and causing more problems than all of them put together.

You wives are our strengths and our pillars. You wives are what keep us men strong when we are feeling weak and defeated. If your husbands are not acknowledging that fact and telling you thank you, I’ll say thank you for them. THANK YOU.

I love my wife.

"Advance Settings" does not mean that you check it.

When a setting on technology says "Advance Settings" it does not mean that ones needs to check that.

Especially if that area states "Advanced Network Settings."

I was synching my phone with my Outlook, the very cell phone that I use to video blog with. Everything was working wonderfully and I saw an area that I did not populate. So I thought "advanced setting, why not. I am connected to a network." Thinking that our internet connection is a "network" too.

After 4 hours, FOUR FREAKING HOURS!!!! Trying to figure out why it was not connecting with Outlook, my intelligent wife looks at everything and corrected my mistake. Of course I felt like a dumbass after she explained to me why it was not working.

Friends

Hey Paul

So if you see this, we need to get together and go bicycling. Right now more than ever I could really use the companionship. I could really use your encouragement and support.

For those of you who don’t know who I am talking about. That’s O.K. Paul is the kind of guy that doesn’t like to be in the spotlight. However that being said, Paul is one of the greatest guys that I know.

Also, Paul. I promise that I won’t yell at people when we go bicycle together. I am no longer a slave to my impulse and I have a lot more patience now.

I made a quick video of that faucet for two reasons. I want to look back on that moment and laugh at myself.

I could not get that water to turn off. And what you did not see was me throwing a complete fit. (Sigh) I’ll take not patience because more than learning how to control my irritability, and temper. This medication seems to amplify all my emotions.

So I was up all last night because I took my medication too late.

I finally got to sleep at 6:00 AM, woke up at noon, and my whole day was lost. I didn’t go bicycling today, which is very important to me. How pitiful am I? I did not remember to eat today. Who has to remember to eat. I have not eaten anything all day today, and it is 6:28 PM. My daily schedule was all screwed up, and on top of all of that, I can’t remember to eat because I have no appetite. If one does not have an appetite how can they remember to eat?

I started another video blog on Youtube today.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LeesShane

It’s basically going to be the same thing as this blog but without the text. I am not going to make additional videos for Youtube.

I’m going bicycling tomorrow early. I am going to ride 45 miles and then come home and help my wife organize the devastation I caused over the last 5 years. We’re cleaning and organizing our house.

Psychiatrist Appointment Today.

I had a psychiatrist appointment today which went very well. I am getting better, which is wonderful news. I am able to concentrate more and focus as well. My wife attended my session with me today.

Afterwards I felt very good about the appointment and talked about a little. I like to use windows that show my reflection when making my videos.

I know I wanted to add something else how everything went.




But sometimes even medicated I get distracted and forget what I wanted convey.

Getting Back To Good

I decided that I am going to make this Blog unlike my last one, as interactive as I can for my few readers.

Today I decided was going to be a day of therapy for me. Today was all about getting back to me, connecting with me, getting back to good. There are so many aspects that define me and I haven’t connected with any of those things in a real long time.

Wendy is a very good friend of mine she has gone bicycling with me a few times and has been a very good friend to me. You can visit her website and discover what kind of a wonderful person she is for yourself.

http://wendita.com/index.php

I feel very fortunate and privileged that she considers me a friend. Click on the video below and see what she did for me.

Dave’s Killer Bread. Click on the video and discover the kind of bread that Dave makes

So if Dave can get his life back together after being in prison for 15 years, then why can’t I get myself together too?

I’ve slacked off on bicycling for the last two weeks. Not to say that I haven’t bicycled, just not as much. I was happy to discover that I hadn’t lost any fitness. I wanted to show how I prepare to go bicycling and talk a little about the things that make up me.

That bicycle is one of my favorite bicycles I ever had. I’m just showing my drawing pad why I love to draw.

Ever since I lost my last job I feel like I am washed out, that my life is washed out. I’m talking about when I was a customer service rep for a porn company. Not the stupid warehouse job that I lost. But even that job I could not keep. I mean I got fired from that job even. Because that job required me to concentrate and focus fast, and I have to pay attention to everything that I read when. So even that job and I could not keep. So not only was that a cool place to record a short video, it was great way talk in metaphors and get my feelings out. Because after all today was a therapy day for me.

So if anything, do click on the video below, the washed out road is really cool.

This is a cool video of me recording myself in the reflections of long widows riding my bicycle and through the park. I always wanted to make a video of me riding my bicycle like you would discover on Youtube.com. So this is kind of like that.

Cool video of Lief Erikson, I am assuming you know who Lief was right? This video is a very cool statue of him. I spent an hour drawing that statue today. It was the 1^st time I’ve drawn in a year. Was great therapy for me.

I am no longer as depressed as I once was. I just hope that people can read my Blog and listen to these videos and understand what it is like for people who have severe disabling AD/HD. I explain a lot of things about myself, and really talk about my feelings a lot in this video.

After I got home I made the rest of these videos. I feel like I made a real break through today, that I really connected with myself. I need to discover how I am going to become productive again and rejoin the work force successfully. However I am going to get through my rehabilitation, I need to figure that out.

When I decided to lose 100 pounds there was a defining moment for me. There was second in time where I decided that nothing or anybody was going to keep me from my goal. I did not care what it took, how I was going to do it, I just knew that I was going to achieve my goal

Today was all about finding that defining moment, rediscovering me. Getting back to those aspects that make up my personhood, and discovering that inner fortitude to accomplish what I need to do to get well.

I decided to add this very last video because I just did not like the way I was going to end this blogisode.

So I made this one which I think ends things nicely. But I'll end this journal entree with something even better.

Regardless of how one may feel about Pop Music, this song says so much, explains a lot how I feel.

"Everyone gets caught up in the pressure of the pain."

Matchbox Twenty "Back To Good."