The Idealist

My wife describes me as an idealist. Certainly I do not think that her view or definition view of me is incorrect. However I do not think having ideals is a negative attribute to own. I have always been told that if people do the right thing that they would be rewarded. When individuals do the right and honorable thing in the face of adversity and hardship isn’t their actions that much more noble? I am not one of those success stories that were rewarded for being courageous when I was faced with injustice and persecution. The conviction of my character has a price that at times I feel is too costly. My relationship with my children has been impacted in a negative way because doing what was right meant that I needed to adjust the terms of our relationship. I desperately wanted to be close with my daughter and was willing to be exploited by her to achieve that goal. Interactions such as that are not how healthy relationships are defined and ultimately would not be beneficial for either party. Fueled by the deception and manipulation of her mother and my unwillingness to maintain the same terms my daughter had been accustomed to resulted in her not wanting to have contact with me. Which I am sure you can imagine hurts me immensely. My daughter viewed me as somebody that she could get the things that she desired from. Like any other loving father I wanted to make my beautiful daughter happy, so I gave into her demands. When I refused my daughter behaved in a negative way until I did as she wanted. At times my actions would cause turmoil between my wife and me. My wife could not and would not live in a marriage while her husband was continually spoiling his daughter. (My daughter is a child from my previous marriage. This is why I say my daughter and not our daughter.) The definition of the word “spoiling” when referring to the treatment of children is “rewarding bad behavior.” There are people that misuse the word “spoiling” and I wanted to make the context clear. My wife demanded that I quit acting that way, even if it meant that my daughter would want to go back and live with her mother. I knew that my wife was not incorrect in her assessment of my relationship with my daughter so I complied with her request. My daughter no longer wanted to live with me and she decided to go back and live with her mother. That was over a two years ago.

I am positive you want to know how all of this fits into AD/HD and rehabilitation. I’ll explain that in a moment. Please bare with me because I have a point, really I do.

I am guilty of performing the responsibilities that parenthood demanded. I had to do that which was right and I knew I could not afford it. The price for being an individual of high moral character has proved to be too much. I do not have the luxury of contemplating whether or not I can abide these demands. This is the way it is and I must endure the tolls.

Why though? Why does it have to be that way? My relationship with my daughter is just an example of how unfair life situations can be. I do not foresee that my decision will be rewarded at all. Certainly if the course that has been determined in my daughter’s life is not altered future event have a very bleak outlook. I envisioned a Spielberg ending while the music of John Williams was conducted in the background and my daughter returned running into my awaiting loving embrace. Fade out white, roll the credits, and the audience has a feeling of immense satisfaction and that everything would be alright.

I promised I would explain what this has to do with AD/HD and now I will. Persevering that which I must is much like what we who have AD/HD have no choices over. Abiding the chaos we have created through no fault of our own is too much to endure at times. However we are left with little or no choice at all. Those of us who have AD/HD fighting the injustice of it all each day are a struggle. The hardship and tribulations that we all have encountered is overwhelming at times. Competing with our peers in workforce who do not have AD/HD is unfair and unequal treatment. We either educate our employers of our affliction and take the chance that we will be fired or live in fear each day that our employment will be terminated at any time. Attempting to compete with our un-afflicted counterparts is an insurmountable undertaking. However compete we must. Why do we have to display such constitution and continually be in a strong confrontational state of affairs, while other people have the ability to excel with little or menial effort? Why does our own pursuit of fulfillment and happiness have to be fraught with such extreme adversity? In an ideal world it would not be like that and it should not be this way now.

30 percent of all inmates have severe AD/HD. I cannot help but to believe that some of those people had little or no choices available to them. Certainly when individuals are confronting such drastic situations in their lives and they believe that breaking the law is a viable solution, then it’s safe to assume that the state of their affairs are dire. Should we not as a civilized and compassionated society help these people who resort to such drastic measures? Then why are people with neurological disorders being sent to prison? Incarceration will not improve these people and the argument could be espoused that they are learning how to better further their careers as criminals. I am not trying to suggest that they should not be punished. I am merely expressing my belief that once they’re convicted they should be punished with compassion and rehabilitation afforded to them.

I am an idealist that is my ideal world. However that is not the way things are.

Since this is my blog and journal entry and I am expressing my idealism, let’s call my imaginary civilization “Shane’s World.” In Shane’s World the criminals who have AD/HD would not endure a conviction at all. People who suffer with all neurological disorders would have services that they could take advantage of and receive help. Shane’s World would affectively reduce the self medicating population and thus eliminate the amount of drug addicts who are being treated as criminals. In Shane’s World people who have neurological disorders would have allowances made for them in the workforce and they will be given the chance to excel and achieve happiness. Shane’s World would be free of unjust and unequal treatment and people who have neurological conditions would not be afraid of divulging that information to employers. In Shane’s World those who have the strength of their convictions would be rewarded for displaying such admirable qualities. In Shane’s World people who persevere through hardships and tribulations would be afforded the opportunity to improve their circumstances.

In Shane’s Wor…In Shane’s. What I mean to say is that I, I, --- (sigh). Well there is no Shane’s World or any other imaginary fairy tale existence. There are no Spielberg endings with John Williams’s music playing in the background. For those of us who have AD/HD this is the way things are. We all must either learn how to persevere or stay down when Shit-head life knocks us out and adopt a defeatist mentality. Is it fair? NO! Is it right? NO! Is it equal? Not only no but, HELL NO!

I cannot leave this blog entry on that note. I am forced to remember a line in a fantasy book I read called The Dragon Reborn, written by Robert Jordan (may he rest in peace). The Dragon Reborn, known Rand Al Thor, had just won a key victory. Rand Al Thor is the reincarnation of a long since dead leader called Ulterior Hawkwing. Rand Al Thor looked over the landscape and saw all of the dead soldiers on both sides of the battle. As he did this he heard the voice of Ulterior Hawkwing speak up in his mind. “You will bury your dead and you will mourn their passing. But you will take any victory that you can, when you can, and take it you must.” I fight for each and every battle that I win against Shit-head life. I will mourn when I am defeated; however I will take any victory that I can and take it I must.

Yes I am an idealist. How can one survive through everything that I had endured and not think about the way things are versus the way things should be. Yes I am an idealist and I see nothing wrong with that.