I've suffered enough

I feel like I have finally made a real breath through, I have come to the place in my life where I have come to terms with having severe AD/HD.

It seems like; well at least for me it was this way. I was diagnosed with disabling AD/HD and then I became seriously depressed. Then I entered into an acceptance faze. Then finally I needed to transition into accepting terms with having AD/HD and being disabled. This I discovered was very difficult for me. I did want to be disabled; I have no desire to be like this. I had a plan for my life, and it did not include having severe AD/HD and being disabled. I want what normal people take for granted. Which is the ability to perform their chosen vocation, and maintain active employment.

So coming to terms with having AD/HD has been very difficult for me. I looked for everything else that defined me and said to myself “see AD/HD is not defining you. You are an artist that happens to have AD/HD.” I was just avoiding having to come to terms with my disability, dealing with all of this. Who am I kidding? AD/HD does define who I am.

When I was a child I had a very difficult time learning how to reading. Then my mother purchased comic books for me, and I learned how to read. Then I noticed all of the pictures in these comic books and decided that I could draw like that too. Thus I became an artist.

My teachers and some adults all said that I was stupid and would never amount to anything. So I decided to prove them all wrong and work harder than anybody else in my office. Every job I lost, I worked that much harder on the next job. I developed iron will character.

Because of my AD/HD I cannot drive. Well actually I can drive, I just choose not to do so because I am incapable of paying attention to traffic and the road. I hate taking public transportation so I decided to bicycle everywhere I go. Thus I became an accomplished bicyclist.

The person I am today is because of the trials and tribulations of my past. I am defined by my life lessons. I am an individual that has the strength and fortitude of their character, BECAUSE of AD/HD. I need to embrace who I am and be proud of every aspect of my personhood. There are not a lot of people in this world who can say the same things about themselves.

The only thing that has changed about me is that I am finally diagnosed and aware of the fact that I have disabling AD/HD and that is it. This means I may not have to work so hard at failing anymore. My life may become easier to manage for me now. Plus I am still the individual that lost 100 lbs. I am still a man that has the strength and fortitude of his character.

So I went on a bicycle ride 4:00 AM this morning and I finally came to terms with my disability. Go to my Blog www.mytopdrawer01.blogspot.com and watch my videos. I took some amazing videos all over Seattle.

I actually woke up before 4:00 AM and I could not get back to sleep. I had a million thoughts going through my mind and I could not focus on any of them. I was just feeling sorry for myself because I am disabled. So I decided to get up and go bicycling. When I am bicycling my thoughts slow down enough that I am capable of focusing and ultimately concentrating. It’s the only time that when things make the most sense to me.

I raced up this one hill by my house and when I reached the top I laughed to myself and thought “haha, who else can do that.” And then I realized that I have this fitness because of AD/HD.

(There is a video there...)

(Just play it....)

I finally realized that I needed to embrace everything that contributed to the man I am today. I saw the statue below again, but this time in the darkness of the morning, it had a whole new meaning for me.



My entire life was and is defined by my willingness to take on any challenge head on, and do what ever needed to be done to over come any and all obstacles. Like the vikings, I too had to fight harder than anybody else just to gain what little measure of success I achieved.

I suppose it is the artist in me that looks for visual representations of to describe how I feel.



Which is why when I saw this bridge shrouded in darkness in morning, I needed to stop and just take the moment in.

I never intended for this blog to become another bicycling journal. I created these online chronicles to record my rehabilitation with AD/HD.



However I believe that it is very fitting that I discovered my epiphany, my defining moment, while riding on my bicycle.

I can't imagine a better time then while doing one of the things that defines me the most.

For those of you that do not know where that hill is below. Its a hill in Seattle that is called Stone Way hill. It is exactly one mile long and it is rather steep.



I can now ride up this on my bicycle, standing erect on my pedals, and never stopping once. Plus it is not even that hard for me any more. There was a time when it was extremely difficult for me to ride up that hill. But now, because of AD/HD I have the fitness to do, what most people will never attempt to accomplish.

AD/HD has defined my life, molded me into the man that I am very proud to be. I embrace who I am and what I am. That includes having ADHD.

I finally saw the sunrise and that just helped to bring everything together for me.



I think this really has to be one of my best moments in my life. I finally worked myself out, came to terms with my disability and being disabled.

However there is just one more thing that I must do.

Time to clean and organize my top dresser drawer.



I've been putting this off for a while, I just didn't want to organize my drawer. It seems like such a stupid and insignificant thing. But keeping this drawer a scattered mess was a representation of my old self. Now that I have come to terms with my disability and I am looking forward to the future. It is time that I organize my drawer too.



I am not trying to give the impression I will not be blogging anymore, because that is not the case. I still have D.V.R to go through and I still have a lot of work to do. Its just that I have finally come to a place with myself that I am at more peace with myself. I have suffered enough, it is time to take this sinking ship and move on.

This song means so much to me now, this song helped me to move on, come to terms with my AD/HD and my disability. 05/17/08